To regularly spend weekends away when SC are here?

Tell him you are having ‘family time’ with your parents and siblings… it’s important your children have a relationship with your parents and friends…tell him to put on his big boy pants and manage for a whole 2 days without you cooking and cleaning up afte him!

@Estebanjo This.

You’re doing a great job. Seem like a good balance and you understand the (complicated!) dynamics at play.

There is no way I’d be going when SC’s not visiting so he gets a weekend to himself - cheeky f’er! Unless you’re leaving the DC’s behind so that he can have quality time with them while you take a break!

I haven't a clue what you're talking about.

I think it would be fair to compromise and go on a weekend when your SC aren't there if your DH comes too. Otherwise, no, carry on as you are. He doesn't get to dump a bunch of work on you and manufacture himself a weekend alone every month.

If he felt that sorry for his children having to deal with half siblings and step siblings, he would not have gone on and thrown more half siblings into their lives.
Quite frankly the number of parents who just don’t ever consider the damaging effect that having more and more children with different partners is depressing. It really is completely selfish. I cannot tell you the number of adults who have told me how fucked up it made them, it’s awful. Yes there are a few people who had a truly splendid time with all these half and step relations but let’s be truthful, they are the minority.
The op had 2 choices: either carry on as she us or go alone to visit her family and leave this Disney Dad with all his children.

99bottlesofkombucha she could do this if he pulled his weight with them all when his kids are there. Until then, he reaps what he sows. Women are not men’s service animal.

I agree, he's a piece of work, but he is her piece of work and she doesn't seem too inclined to confrontation. Her leaving is her removing herself from him, too.

Exactly. He wants to dip in and out and do fun bits with the kids while you cook, clean and entertain them. Of course he's miffed.
And you are doing exactly the right thing. Enjoy time with your friends and family.

Leave your DC with him when SC are visiting and go on your own, he can play happy families with all of them 'how lovely for the siblings to be together' and you get some time to yourself.
Would love to be a fly on the wall when you suggest that to him. Although of course he had no trouble suggesting you do all the childcare on your own while he gets a weekend off.

1 weekend a month sounds a good compromise to me. It would be a shame for the half siblings not to see eachother at all, but also understand why it feels like too much being there. It’ll only be a few more years before they stop coming, so time as a family is valuable.

He is trying to pull a fast one here.

Don't fall for it.

Cheeky fucker

She could do this if he pulled his weight with them all when his kids are there. Until then, he reaps what he sows. Women are not men’s service animal.

was this supposed to make any sense?

Precisely this.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, but, I want to address the 13 year old girl: That age is a dog eat dog age. You are likely in a better position to talk to her about these pressures than her mother because you are not attached. She might eventually open up to you if you are consistent, patient, and kind to her. She is not the adult, you are. It is up to you, not her, to bridge that gap. Don't stop trying just because she's a snot. That's a test you seem to be failing. You knew he had children when you got together. Them growing up to become teenagers was not a surprise event. Make a consistent effort because you are what? The adult married to their father. Try a lot harder to make nice with the child who is exhibiting signs of distress. Thirteen is a really hard age for girls.

Also, and this is important, unless you want him to have more custody of his older children, you might want to accommodate his desire for at least one big "happy family" meal. It's hard to be the parent who has significantly less custody and integrate all of your children. It's not unreasonable for your DH to try to have his children become more acclimated to each other by eating together.

It’s a no brainer to me .
Continue as you are OP seeing your family one weekend a month , so good for you & your kids .
Your children will look back very fondly on this in years to come .
Tell your husband it’s one weekend per month & let him shag off for himself !

Uuuhm, controlling behaviour?

Of course DH is unimpressed. He has to parent all by himself, just like your doing.

Sounds fine to me - the OP didn't marry a widower with two babies, she has inherited older step children. Surely her role is to be a friendly, reliable, aunt-type figure, not another mum.

I do appreciate the point about the children all spending more time together, but if that isn't happening anyway (due to activities, age gap), then they're hardly missing much.

If your husband really hates it , I propose you accept his idea of visiting with your kids on a non-step children weekend, but you also visit solo one weekend - giving him the wholesome family experience of having all his children together

Truthfully, too much math. Unfuck your situation and deal with your responsibilities. Average out the unreasonableness and decide if your current sitch is too difficult, on average, for your core family. If not, deal. If so, then work with your husband and find a more amicable resolution. In the meantime, stop with the acronyms and stupid maths. You're overanalyzing your story.

Hell, my drunken eyeballs are aching.

I guarantee you whatever justification he tells himself is the reason, it's 90% this.

You aren't there to facilitate his Disney Dad cosplay by taking on the domestic drudgery.

Going to your hometown once per month is fine.
Later, when your kids are older, they might want to stay in Z and play sport etc. so having them know their GP and cousins when young is great now.

Change it around though ..
Sometimes leave a pie or casserole to help DH out.
Some hometown weekends go for just a day trip.

Make a nice occasion of the meal you share as a larger blended family - even if it is breakfast.
Some times loudly invite DH&SS&SD to join you and let DH decide whether to come too.

Leaving on Friday night, every second weekend, would seem rude and as if you want to actively miss seeing DSC.

Couldn't read to the end was getting fed up with XYZ

Got it! My mistake. And I do understand and sympathize with you.

I'm one of those who many years (like more like eons) ago decided not to date men with DC. And the 'biting my tongue' thing was one of the reasons why. Lord knows it's hard enough to keep one's opinions to oneself about what everyone is doing 'wrong' raising their DC (joking, sort of)! To me it seemed it would be doubly hard to have it going on in my own home, especially if my own (at that point future) children were being raised differently.

I currently live over 400 miles away from my own hometown. Due to my DH's work it was hard for him to get much time off and when he did he usually wanted to spend it in more 'worthwhile' ways than going to 'my old stomping grounds' and all that entailed. TBH I would have felt the same about trekking off to his. So often I 'went home' with our DC without him and he was always fine with it. It was absolutely wonderful to see friends & family and 'go places and do things'* without having to consider whether or not he was 'having a good time'. So I say, GO FOR IT! If he's concerned that that means you aren't a 'cohesive unit' in front of SD, then he can jolly well come with you! But I hope he doesn't, for your sake.

*FWIW my old stomping grounds include the 'original' Disneyland, so there were great 'no budget' trips. He wasn't (and isn't) a Disney person so he was even more glad that he wasn't subjected to that form of 'torture'.

Yup, he's a Disney Dad.

Urghhh.

DH wants them to have fun here, and that he wants us to have a cohesive jolly time.

And do zero actual parenting by the sound of it. Does he step up at all with the older two?