To think you can never get rid of hypervigilance

It’s not an extra sense for me, it’s an exhausting strain that means my body thinks I’m in continual danger, so I’m always clenched to defend myself, absorb a blow, fight off an imaginary attacker etc. I’m still ten years old and a man is helping himself to me, not even because he’s attracted to children, just because I’m there and defenceless, and I live this in continuous replay, because my body thinks it’s been happening ever since and doesn’t have an ‘off’ mode. That’s over 40 years of being clenched against an imaginary blow, screaming if someone walks up behind me, checking every face from my husband’s to the postman’s to the goofy, harmless teenager behind the counter in the shop to my mother’s for the tiniest flicker of expression so that I can pre-empt it.

I do it too, for similar reasons to you op. I can’t not do it and I’m embarrassed to admit that, until fairly recently, I thought everyone did it. I am honestly still a bit confused by how people go through life without doing this? How do they know what’s really going on??
But, I don’t react to it like you do? I don’t change my responses, I just use it as information. It’s another “sense” like smell or hearing. In that context, it’s actually very useful. I can smell a bullshitter or a liar a mile away and I’m a really good judge of character (generally, I have been known to get it wrong!). I can tell when someone is struggling and needs help, when someone is unhappy, when someone is trying to be manipulative. I would add that home is my “safe space”. I don’t do it there because I’ve learned I don’t need to.
The only time major things have gone wrong in my life is when I’ve tried to ignore this “super power” so I’ve learned not to do that! Can you try to treat it like an additional sense? So pay attention to it, but react intentionally? For example, sometimes when I’m doing it, something will “ring” my bell. I’ll acknowledge but decide to think about it later. I can usually always work out what was happening but then I respond to it intentionally rather than reactively? Sorry, I don’t think I’m explaining this very well!

I have this too. It’s exhausting noticing everything all the time. It means you can’t switch off until you are alone. Mine was also a result of a bad childhood. Being on tenterhooks all the time as a child just carries on into adulthood.

Yes possible. Sorry for brief reply, but following quite literally hundreds of hours of work and therapy over decades, I've finally started to get there.

Every sympathy OP. I think things you leaned to do as a small child end up completely hard wired into your system. Doesn't have to be hyper vigilance - for me it's "change to make yourself acceptable". I don't even know what it is I need to change - I just know I won't do as I am.

Some therapist telling me I need to love myself can't change that.

I feel like it's just part of who I am. Even though I know it's not 'normal', it was my intensive training from infancy, so now it's just instinct. I actually don't mind it. I like the fact that I can essentially read people's minds and know everything that everyone is thinking and feeling. It does make certain relationships very difficult, though, and I'd definitely and happily give up the anxiety and sense of being unsafe and overthinking and insomnia and overwhelm and exhaustion that come with it!

It’s possible.

I had one on one sistemic coaching with the lead Coach in my ADHD group.

I have no idea how it worked. The coaching concept itself sounded very woo-woo so I was expecting placebo (or more likely nocebo, cos that one I’m extra good at) at best.

Nearly 2 years on and all the issues I’d been lugging from childhood, including hyper vigilence, have stayed gone.

I have to keep up on the taking care of myself aspects, and I’ve stayed in the group to make sure I do. But it is possible for at least some of the people, some of the time, with the right coach/therapist who chooses the right approach with a particular client.

It’s really exhausting isn’t it….

In the absence of all other strategies or as well as!!!! Acceptance - naming out loud (or in your head) that you feel hyper vigilant and is making me feel xyz and then re-affirming your safe. That the vigilance isn’t needed today thank you 🤷‍♀️😩

My hypervigilance relates to driving - so slightly different to yours.
In my case I have stopped driving because I couldn't turn it off

I feel like this too. I suffered no childhood trauma to speak of (apart from the sudden death of my grandad when I was 4 which I think has hard wired something into my brain). I’m hyper vigilant and it wears me out. I look at my husband who is oblivious to trivial matters that have no impact on him and I think “how”??? I can judge someone’s character very quickly. I can’t exactly explain how but it’s to do with the eyes and a certain upturn of the mouth. I’m astonished when others warn to that kind of person. Can they not see what I’m seeing? Can you not “see” a person and their motives? My best time is spent alone. Loud sudden noises send me into an inner meltdown. My worst “need” is having to be at the door watching as a family member leaves. I have to remember them leaving in case it’s the last time. (I hope this is all what you mean about hyper vigilance) x

Ah I've found my people on this thread :)

I also chose the seat with my back to a wall (though when I'm with someone else who's traumatised there's the awkward "you first" "no you first" negotiation).

I read subtle shifts in people's emotions, though don't always interpret them correctly (for example I tend to assume they're angry at me, when they might be angry about something unrelated). It's often useful, I think it helps me be a good judge of people, but it can be annoying for others in a close relationship.

Car horns are the worst for the adrenaline rush, really make me on edge, even if the hooting has nothing to do with me.

I think awareness is really important to identify the physical reactions as well the emotional. I find yoga and a focus on breathing really helps (guess that’s a kind of somatic therapy).

I also find being in nature, walking/being with my dog, exercise (swimming/cold water swimming) and watching tv where I just switch off. Things that bring you in the moment - maybe start clubbing again @MargoLivebetter ?! I think factoring downtime in between social and work events/activities. Time to just be off duty whilst practising techniques that help.

Can you find a therapist who also teaches yoga or mindfulness? They might be able to bring some breathing techniques or body sweetness into your sessions.

I also have ASC and ADHD and PTSD and I think it has saved my life multiple times I was able to dissociate during traumas - and I do feel like sensory overload or a meltdown was actually my way of dealing with acute trauma

Completely agree. I’ve done 15 years of “inner work” to overcome childhood trauma. I am much, much better, but I still have hypervigilance and what I call ‘background anxiety’ that I believe will never fully go away.

This it is in built and wired in my dna I listen to it. I go into a room and I notice the exits and how far away they are - and I sit with the exits nearby. I watch body language and walk away from any friendship or relationship because I listen to my gut. I hear it. I will say to my husband watch that car give him loads of room before the car does anything - it’s an extra sense and I embrace it.

Yep, me too @Cinquefoils - but I know it's just the waiter and I will not let the people (person) who made me like this win. I will live and I will live well. The waiter never hurt me, but the person who should have been my safest place did. I'm not afraid of the waiter and I'm not afraid of that person either.

And let's face it: if the waiter WAS dodgy, I'd already know... 😆

You're more graceful than I am, @BrokenButNotFinished -- I stop short of asking someone who's already seated to move, but I recognise that I will be a much nicer and easier person to have dinner with if I can sit where I feel safe. (Which is something I was completely unaware of till quite recently. I chose a seat, but couldn't have told you the grounds on which I chose it...)

I find someone jostling past the back of my chair, even if I know perfectly well that it's just a friendly waiter, whom I know, in a busy restaurant with closely-packed table, unbelievably activating!

That's what I WANT to do in a restaurant @Cinquefoils but I let it go. 😊

If you can find a good somatic therapist, that's what I'd recommend. I did try EMDR, but didn't particularly get on with it, though my current therapist occasionally uses it along with other things.

I don't think CBT would work at all.

(And yes to the violent startle reflex! Though I prefer to choose the table or place at a table, and will choose the one with my back to the wall but which also has a clear escape route -- I absolutely cannot eat in a restaurant with my back to the room.)