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Original poster

To go away alone for 40th Birthday?

81 replies

Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 12:52

It's my 40th soon and I have travelled alone plenty of times before usually tagging along holidays on to work trips. My 5yo son has ASD with PDA profile and my DH says he can't cope with him so I had originally planned a 4 day break with all of us but in reality I know it will likely be a disaster and any hope or expectation I had will be met with disappointment. I think i was kidding myself. I could do a mini break and I've thought about going alone - would that be really tragic? I just never get any respite, work full time and when I'm not working I'm caring for DS. There is no break.
I'm also feeling resentful as DH took 3 separate far flung holidays last year for his 40th and was able to do so because I CAN care for our son. Should I do the 4 day break with all of them or go solo - accept it might not be the adventure I was after but at least I get some time to myself.

OP posts:
Berlinlover · 04/02/2026 20:54

I spent four days in Berlin alone for my 40th nearly ten years ago, I had a great time.

ACynicalDad · 04/02/2026 19:12

Your husband should not have another night away until you've had a break, what's good for the goose...

sunshine244 · 04/02/2026 18:58

I know it's not what you asked but have you screened for adhd too? My eldest sounds very similar. High masking at school, meltdowns and lashing out at home. A lot of his ADHD symptoms are internal - more of a typical girls profile. The autistic rule following part makes him very well behaved at school so he would never run around the classroom etx. But when he had his assessment the OT observed just how much he was fidgeting and losing concentration etc at school. Not obvious to teachers as he's well behaved. ADHD meds have been a game changer (until hormones have hit now and 12 and back to big meltdowns again).

sunshine244 · 04/02/2026 18:52

Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:36

@sunshine244 yes hit the nail on the head that's exactly it. DS has a strong preference for me and is alot more regulated when I'm around. I suspect DH has ASD also - he and DS are exactly alike and just clash - im constantly trying to resolve whatever conflict is happening between them. I travel abroad every other week for 1 night and DH manages but it's not ideal - usually DS barely eats, alot of meltdowns, cries alot as he misses me. So whilst I acknowledge how unfair it is and how I desperately need a break I think I'd feel guilty about going. My mum is pretty good with DS but lives in another country and realistically can't look after him until school holidays.

I do have friends who I could go away with and did so last year but as DS behaviour has ramped up and I've started a business working full time I've had zero time to plan anything as I'm swamped with work and dealing with DS. I also feel like I would like some time to be entirely selfish, do as I please, and whilst I love my friends company I would love for a change to only think about myself for a few days.

Whoever suggested Maldives that is absolutely on my list. I'm tempted.

Totally understand! My now ex is likely AuDHD too which made things much worse.

I would suggest going now though as PDA often gets a lot worse as the social and academic demands at school increase. We had school refusal starting age 7 then puberty kicking in now is.. interesting...!

123123again · 04/02/2026 18:42

It’s a bigger deal as you want it to be!

I would 100% go. In fact I do.Saves at least a day of new place/familar people. Hit the ground running, doing it your way.

Original poster
Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:40

It's not easy dealing with DS. He's fine at school as he masks so well but he's very aggressive and violent towards me on a daily basis. Not all the time, but mid meltdown, other than that he's very loving. But its draining and I'm desperate for a break or something to look forward to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:38

DH had a holiday tagged onto work trip last year in Asia, then a lads trip with a newly divorced friend, then a group 40th with friends in USA. So big trips.

I had a 4 day break with the girls which was lovely and a week with my mum in UK. Will probably still do the week with my mum in the summer just wanted to be away for my birthday. But its not a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:36

@sunshine244 yes hit the nail on the head that's exactly it. DS has a strong preference for me and is alot more regulated when I'm around. I suspect DH has ASD also - he and DS are exactly alike and just clash - im constantly trying to resolve whatever conflict is happening between them. I travel abroad every other week for 1 night and DH manages but it's not ideal - usually DS barely eats, alot of meltdowns, cries alot as he misses me. So whilst I acknowledge how unfair it is and how I desperately need a break I think I'd feel guilty about going. My mum is pretty good with DS but lives in another country and realistically can't look after him until school holidays.

I do have friends who I could go away with and did so last year but as DS behaviour has ramped up and I've started a business working full time I've had zero time to plan anything as I'm swamped with work and dealing with DS. I also feel like I would like some time to be entirely selfish, do as I please, and whilst I love my friends company I would love for a change to only think about myself for a few days.

Whoever suggested Maldives that is absolutely on my list. I'm tempted.

OP posts:
Casperroonie · 04/02/2026 18:03

Go solo lady!!!!! Have fun!!!

Endofyear · 04/02/2026 16:32

Your DH is a cheeky fucker! He can cope, he will have to cope, he's the child's parent too!! Book it and tell him you're going, end of discussion. And have a fabulous time! 💐

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2026 16:08

Mizztikle · 04/02/2026 15:19

Take your big adventure. write him a list and some instructions, do the shopping and then sail off into the sunset.
If he's managed to keep himself alive this long he's capable of looking after his child.

I have a child who is ND. I go travelling solo. I have never written a list, batch cooked, done the shopping or engaged female relatives. DH is an adult, with a big boy job. He can shop.

How is the world run by men but they seemingly can't do basic tasks? Mine can thank goodness.

CheeseyOnionPie · 04/02/2026 15:55

“I can’t cope with him”

Translation: looking after the child means a lot more mundane work and drudgery for me and he’s 5 so his behaviour tests my patience quite often which makes me uncomfortable, plus there is the added pressure of always having to make sure the small child has everything it needs and is safe and happy. This means I have less time to relax and focus on my own needs.

ConstanzeMozart · 04/02/2026 15:55

DH took 3 separate far flung holidays last year for his 40th
Sorry, what?
He's a cheeky fuck (and that's me being generous). GO, and for longer than four days!

cestlavielife · 04/02/2026 15:48

Please...do not write him a list and some instructions, do the shopping

He is a grown adult not a baby

NancyBellaDonna · 04/02/2026 15:48

Go solo (for a fortnight). At the end of which time DH should have learned the skills required to start parenting. He can cope just like you can!

I like my own company so enjoy travelling alone. There's nothing tragic about it. Time slows down and the stresses fall away. You will return refreshed.

sunshine244 · 04/02/2026 15:36

Absolutely do have a trip away. Exodus do some great adventure holidays including short breaks if you fancied some company.

However I have two autistic kids, one of whom has a PDA profile. Lots of PDA kids Will have a very strong preference for one parent. It isn't necessarily about the other parent not trying or being as good. Be prepared for potential utter chaos afterwards. The first time I went for a weekend away my child basically didn't sleep for two weeks and just had endless tantrums.

Gowlett · 04/02/2026 15:29

How will DS get on without you?
That would be my main concern.

I’m leaving DS & DH for 4 nights.
DH won’t look after him as well as I do.

But, he can do it, of course…
As long as DS is okay, I’d go away.

Windday · 04/02/2026 15:23

Do it.
Don't allow him to say he can't cope.

Mizztikle · 04/02/2026 15:19

Take your big adventure. write him a list and some instructions, do the shopping and then sail off into the sunset.
If he's managed to keep himself alive this long he's capable of looking after his child.

PinkyFlamingo · 04/02/2026 15:16

Why on earth did he have 3 holidays for his 40th!

capybaraforlife · 04/02/2026 15:14

I have at least one solo trip each year and I will be doing two this year; you should totally go!

For a few years I did the Maldives alone: I cannot tell you heavenly it was!!!

PevenseygirlQQ · 04/02/2026 15:12

He can’t cope with your son or he doesn’t want to? He had his holidays now it’s your turn!

Wherenexttomorrow · 04/02/2026 15:10

I'd be booking several weekend breaks away and sounds like you deserve it. You have bigger problems than deciding on whether to take a break away - your DH sounds like a selfish git. Feel sorry for your poor child.

noidea69 · 04/02/2026 15:07

Tell him he is going to have to cope.

Alltheyellowbirds · 04/02/2026 15:07

JustGiveMeReason · 04/02/2026 15:02

Actually, @Alltheyellowbirds , she said

I could do a mini break and I've thought about going alone - would that be really tragic?

and

Should I do the 4 day break with all of them or go solo - accept it might not be the adventure I was after but at least I get some time to myself.

"accept it might not be the adventure I was after"

I think we’re reading it differently because we have different feelings about travelling alone.

Thats ok.

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