Need help asserting myself with my resignation from a committee I'm on

Take all emotion out and say simply that you wish to resign in order that other people can have the opportunity to gain experience in this role.

No thats not what Im saying at all

Her falling over herself to show off is not very nice but its nothing to do with you
Its about her own issues and insecurities

People who have healthy childhood and healthy self esteem dont even register this type of thing because they know its not to do with them.
Their inner confidence and stability is innate
I had a traumatic childhood
I spent years tying myself in knots about what other people did until a 5 minute telephone conversation with a counsellor changed my life!
She was just getting in touch prior to my first counselling session but she told me the above and we explored it further over the weeks in therapy.

I wondered for years why I was targeted and it was mind blowing to finally realise other peoples bullshit is nothing to do with me so dodge the rocks and dont pick them up for someone.

I dont want to derail so will leave it there
All the best

Well that sounds like you are saying that it is my fault for feeling bulllied.

That's not how bullying works, which is why in good schools, it is the bullies that get into trouble. It's not the victims who are told to put up with it.

Behaviour that I have described in my PPs is all stuff like belittling me and putting me down in front of the group (and for context there wasn't just that one incident, there were many - it was part of a pattern of behaviour) . It's all about social dominance. A normal decent person would have replied, if at all, with a thumbs up or 'thanks for sharing'.

Again none of it was really anything to do with you

I never understand why people take things so personally, she was showing off, so what?
Why would other people have " stuck up for you" ?
Let people make a show of themselves, yiu cant control their replies
Either deal with it or dont
Cant bear all the silly drama in these type of groups
Bullies can only bully you if you feel what they are doing is anything to do with you, it never is, they are just looking for someone to take it personally

I ignored their comments and tried to not let them get to me. But in the end if there are two people bullying one other person in a group and nobody does anything to stop them and the bullies just carry on and on, the only options you have is to carry on ignoring it or leave the group.

As a domestic abuse victim, I know that the strategy of ignoring a bully doesn't work long term if they keep up with the bullying: Words are harmful.

I also got bullied in a WhatsApp group for a particular hobby. I would put neutral posts in the group, one was along the lines of "I listened to this podcast and thought some of you might like it." The instructor replied to this with 2 incredibly long messages about how she had known everything that was mentioned in the podcast for decades, and then some. She bought the product mentioned every month from an artisan producer in a particular region of Italy etc etc etc. It was honestly an absolute thorough put down for no reason and I'm pretty sure a total lie from beginning to end. There were many other times that I made innocuous comments and she decided to make them
Into a stick to beat me with. And again nobody stuck up for me in the group (although many of them did speak to me in private and say they were shocked and disappointed with the instructor's behaviour.) Again, I ignored the comments in the hopes my total lack of reaction would remove the fuel from the fire but it didn't. So again, I stepped out of that group. Although happily I'm still friends with everyone in that group except the instructor.

No need to care about what a bunch of people you don't respect say about you.

It’s not uncommon for people pleasers to over-assert themselves when they do snap. A lot of resentment builds up when you are constantly putting yourself out for others, thinking that they will eventually acknowledge and be grateful for what you are doing. Then they don’t / aren’t and it’s a slap in the face. Because you aren’t used to asserting yourself, you go ott and write an angry email like your first draft. Assertive doesn’t have to mean angry: you only think that because you are not used to asserting yourself or setting your boundaries, and it feels like you’re being aggressive in doing so. The more you do it, the more you will learn that being assertive can be a very calm, measured approach.

lots of ideas above for more straightforward, assertive, calm responses. I personally do like the ´grin fuck’ approach, it means you continue to occupy the moral high ground. I’d keep it as short and emotionless as possible and stick to the bare facts.

Some will.

No need to provide an email they can pass around which can be used as evidence for all kinds of stories

No need not to.

You can't control what people talk about. Gossips gonna gossip.

Sorry for the thread derail but I think its an important point when dealing with bullies.

@FlyBy2026 Step away quietly and maintain your dignity
Bear in mind what you experienced will not be in isolation

You are still misunderstanding @dizzydizzydizzy
Their behaviour, the throwing of rocks is designed to hurt you and draw you in, its what they want to do to make you feel bad
I mean catching rocks is going to hurt you ?
They hurt you so you carry their pain/ anger thats inside them
So dont involve yourself, step aside and let their words aka the rocks fall to the ground
You keep yourself protected, their words fall away ...
Their anger remains theirs

If you catch the rocks,get into an argument, ask them why they are saying that, explain or defend etc
They have then got you exactly where they want you and of course they will continue .

Please leave out the middle bit. No need to provide talking points for the gossips

I wouldn't use any of this obsequious "after careful and continued consideration" quasi-legal bollocks.

Just say what you mean.

Now that the [BIG TOURNAMENT/WHATEVER] has finished, I won't be continuing with the voluntary [WHATEVER IT IS] role.

I've found it to be a bigger commitment and a more thankless task than I was expecting.

Thanks to everyone who supported me in the role and best of luck in your search for a replacement.

Dear Billy Big Balls Nathan

Now that Project X is drawing to a close, I'd like to take this opportunity to inform you that I am stepping down from my role as committee member. My resignation will take effect from 31/03/2026.

I have recently been evaluating my post on x committee and feel that my time would be best used elsewhere.

Please let me know when you have identified a replacement. I'll be happy to hand over my notes/meet with them to update them.

Kind regards

@FlyBy2026

Hi op I would just tell them at the weekend this project is now complete I won’t be volunteering my free time any longer. It has come to a point in my life where I expect more respect and appreciation for my free time. I am no longer enjoying the role so it’s time to move on enjoy my free time with others who I love and care about and I hope you find someone else who is willing to take on this big commitment.

Oh I see. In that case, I did catch the rocks but it had no impact.They carried on regardless. They are not very nice people who are manipulative and full of their own importance (among many disappointing characteristics, they are friends of Nigel Farage!) I wasn’t like them, so they probably knew if they kept it up long enough, I would get fed up and leave.

You are misunderstanding
Catching the rocks is what they want you to do so that they can feed off your emotional reaction.
Its deliberate provocation
Step aside, dont give them what they want @dizzydizzydizzy
They then go and throw rocks at someone else

HI, OP -

Someone above suggested emailing your (professional sounding, understated) letter to the whole committee, not just to the jerk.

I am writing now to reinforce what a great idea that is. You need to stay in control of the narrative. As some posts above show, if you contact only him, he can say whatever he likes about you to the others. By including them in your message, you prevent him from starting a false narrative, at least this one.

Totally agree. I decided I had no chance of catching the rocks or persuading others to catch the rocks, due to their status. I actually think they knew they could bully me without any repercussions because they were local do-gooders, so nobody would dare to upset them. This is how some very wealthy people get away with awful behaviour. So, hence I decided to run away from the rocks.

The thing is, you cant control other people, only yourself @dizzydizzydizzy

Essentially they are flinging rocks at you.
Its up to you if you decide to catch them and their negative emotions
Or decide to step to the side

Once you understand that this is nothing to do with you and all about them, its much easier to dodge

Do not let your emotions run this
The type you describe absolutely feed on causing upset and emotional reactions, its the life blood they need to boost their self esteem plus they will weaponise and use it to tell everyone you had a huge strop and are unstable.
Put your sword down and walk away, head up , dont let them control your reactions

Send a perfunctary email
Dates of resignation etc
Literally NOTHING else
They dont care, they behave like this on purpose
Hold onto your dignity and self control

Say as little as possible, just state that you're resigning, don't give any reasons they can argue with and try to talk you out of. If they hassle you in person, just say personal reasons/family responsibilities/I'm not the right person for this committee.

This is a very smart tactic. I call it a grin fuck.
So be be OTT nice and they obviously know you're lying but can't say a word because you've been sooooo nice and polite on paper!!

Trust me, saying as little as possible will infuriate them even more. Then ghost the shit out of them.

Get your own back. Send a polite resignation letter but just say you know longer have the time to give your support.

And because of this also give you
apologies for the fact you have not have time to do much of the project. And just either do not hand any of it in. Or just submit the first few pages.

This man needs to learn a lesson and this is your chance. Let him do if he is so wonderful.

Step away and live for yourself in the future not for other people. Don't worry about what other people think of you.Just block them.

Good Luck
🤞