Husband touched me when I was sleeping

I'm sorry you're married to him.

I see the slime has oozed out of the Sex topic again. Funny how that happens on topics about consent like this.

You’re right, OP, his reaction is a huge red flag. You say that he hasn’t been coercively controlling lately. I’d be worried that this is his latest form of abuse and that he is always going to try to find some way to abuse you. Can you leave him?

depends on how it is approached.. My husband sometimes will put his hand on my back and do a light backrub..if i wake up enough, and am interested, i will move towards him.. If I am tired and cannot be arsed, I do not respond and he takes it no further. BUT he is a respectful husband. Nipple pinching. NOPE. groping NOPE...not until consent is given. I have no issue with my husband trying to start something...but he also has no issue with me not being up for it. I do not believe being married or in a long term relationship where you share a bed equals consent. Thankfully most decent men do not either.

I don't think waking up with your hands touching someone you are intimate with is quite the same as pinching someones nipple whilst they are asleep then denying it tbh.
Because you are intimate with someone and share a bed with them doesn't mean you consent to anything on any occasion.

I couldn’t stay with a man that did this. He is abusing you, and gaslighting you on top.

So sorry, you are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

@Booksandcheese men who quickly retract their hand when they have been “caught” having a fondle are men who did not want to be caught. They are not trying to arouse their wife, they are trying to get something while they are unconscious and cannot consent.

They are deliberately trying not to wake their victim.

If OP’s DH’s intention was to arouse he would have said that. He would have tried to wake his wife. He would not leap back in defence and gaslight her into thinking he didn’t touch her at all.

Tongue in cheek-hopefully?

Why bring up your relationship then or speculate on what's normal in relationships when OP has been clear it's not normal in hers? What was your point, if not to invalidate the OP?

This is sexual assault. I sent a man straight to jail for sexually touching me when I was asleep. Straight. To. Jail.

Stop sleeping in the same bed as this man immediately. He can’t even respect you enough to own up to what he did. The reason for that is because he already knows it is assault. Knows and does not care.

If my DH flinched back quickly from touching me when I woke up he would be out the home the same day. He has made it clear didn’t want you to wake up. He did not want to be caught. He wanted to assault you while you were not conscious.

I am so, so sorry.

So it's OP's fault for going to sleep in her own bed next to her husband? If she didn't want to be touched sexually without consent she should have slept somewhere else?

Yeah, which is why I said it depends on the relationship. I couldn’t have made it clearer. 🤷‍♀️

He has a quick fondle of your nipples to see if you are awake?

Jesus. Saying ' are you awake?' is a non-creepy way to find out if someone is awake.

Oh I'll put my hand up as another of those deep sleepers who has definitely woken up with my hand in all sorts of places from when I've been asleep. One time I pinched my husband on the nose whilst I was asleep. Another I pulled his armpit hair and only woken up when he ouched. He's also initiated sex in the middle of the night when fast asleep and when I've woken him (by saying oi leave me alone it's 3am) he's been very confused and apologetic!

Key thing here is the OP is unhappy with it and it sounds like there's other things going on in the marriage.

But I am going to debunk the idea that this would 'never' happen innocently.

He's an abusive man and will never stop being an abusive man.

What makes men abusers is the desire to control. That is what the coercive control was about.

That is what touching you in your sleep is about. Its about control. He can touch you as he wants and you don't know about it. All the knowledge and control is with him.

He will never stop being like this. You should leave him.

The creepy loser menz posters LOVE a thread like this, Gives them tingles I imagine. Saddos. OP this is TOTALLY unacceptable. I would be leaving the rapey weirdo personally. 💐

I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed and would be considering leaving. This does not sound like a safe and respectful relationship.

Can you not conceive of a relationship in which this was NOT normal, healthy, reciprocal affection?

Amazed people are going on about them doing this and it being ok and wanting to build a picture when its right there in the first post that this is not a normal thing in her relationship 🙄

Op he is sexually assaulting you in your sleep. He is a pervert.

In a normal healthy sexual relationship when you are sharing a bed with someone you love then for me it is understood that sexual intimacy is a possibility. If he fancies a bit and has a quick fondle of my nipples to see if I'm awake and in the mood this is in no way sexual assault. If I am asleep I will wake up and either say yes or no. And I say this as a previous victim of rape.

Context really is the key here. If you do not have any trust in the person sharing your bed or are no longer intimate on a regular basis then that is your issue is perhaps that person should not be in your bed. And, obviously denying that it happened is a big issue here.

But not all men who reach over and have a bit of a fondle to rouse you and initiate sex are committing sexual assault.

You fucking what?
This thread is full of gaslighting sexual assault apologists. Disgusting.

The first thing you do is say do not touch me in a sexual way, or hurt me, while I am asleep ever again.

Don't you think the fact that OP is posting a thread about it on mumsnet ALREADY tells you she's not ok with this? Why would she post otherwise?

Nope. Not while they're asleep.

Fascinating. I've managed to live a whole life without touching someone inappropriately whether during waking hours or at night.

I'm saddened that you can't see how unacceptable it is to touch someone without their consent, and that you go so far as to say "I know these things could happen". These things don't just happen.