To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

He is being a selfish t**t

Based on his response when you raise it, I would say you’re not being extreme enough and it is fair to say he’s avoiding responsibility for his child - if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it’s fair to say it’s a duck.

And btw, this isn’t a communication issue - he hears you loud and clear when you raise it. A man doesn’t accuse you of being controlling because he has misunderstood what you are saying or because you aren’t being clear enough. He’s just choosing to gaslight you or guilt you into dropping it so he can keep doing what he wants to do.

I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

What do you mean by this, if you wanted to go to the cinema, out with friends, gym, club or whatever are you saying he might have a problem with you doing this?

You should be exercising too. Suggest 3 might him 3 nights you one night stay in together.

Is there anything suspicious about him suddenly working out? No other woman to impress?

4 nights a week is nonsense. There are a lot of different ways family structure leisure / work / parenting but a parent opting out of every worknight evening is total nonsense.

ha @Starlight1979 crossed posts. It sounds like all those male colleagues who call their wives pretending to be super busy and sorry, working late again. And then openly laughing because they just want to sit and wait until all the evening chores and bedtimes are done.

i dont think its fair to say he doesnt want any responsibility at all.

No. Just the fun weekend times. Assuming he works full time then he's out of the house for over 12 hours a day. So when does he actually spend any time with his child during the week?

also as a gymgoer, 3 hours is taking the piss. You say it's with driving, how far is the place and don't you have any closer ones? Not saying you can't spend 3 hours at the gym if you spend 20 min between each set on your phone and then an hour in sauna, but as a parent of a small child, you can certainly get a decent workout in much faster than that.

its travel there plus waiting for equipment plus him showering there because he says its easier than coming home sweaty.

How far away is the gym?!

I used to go to a busy gym which was 15 minutes drive. Even waiting for equipment and having a shower I wouldn't be out longer than an hour and a half / 2 hours max. And I didn't have small children at home!

3 hours is taking the piss.

This is completely unfair; I found it bad enough when DH joined a club and was out two evenings a week. If necessary he can go for a quick session after the kids are in bed. I’d be concerned about someone calling your opinions controlling and an overreaction.

He's Default Parenting. He doesn't need to think about logistics as Default Parent will sort it all.

This! 👆

But he is being controlling OP. He Iis controlling how you spend every evening, he is effectively telling you that you're doing bed time and staying at home every evening. If you didn't have a child, yes it would be controlling for you to tell him how he spends his time. If you have a child and you're equal parents, then his child is his responsibility half of the time he is not in work or commuting (eg evenings and weekends). So he is just giving you this responsibility without any discussion or agreement. And then calling you controlling when you object. That's awful behaviour

Partner joins gym but you have a toddler - not an issue

Partner joins gym but you have a toddler AND he is going 4 times a week until 9pm - big issue

Every single one of his arguments are bullshit. You’re home anyway… what the fuck does he mean by that? Because you’re home anyway why would you ever want help or going out yourself? It’s just random words stuck together… ‘so do you mean that if I got a good job so you could stay home with ds you’d never want to go out again or want me home in the evenings to help? Or is it actually mysteriously different for you- because you think you deserve free time and I don’t deserve either free time or help at home basically. I’m struggling to feel the part of this relationship where you care about me. If your mental health is that bad maybe you should see someone and take some proper timeout, not here. Because it’s not helping mine knowing you’re choosing not to be here for large chunks of the time and you’re choosing to treat me as someone who doesn’t matter, who may as well cook dinner and do bath because I’m home anyway. I think I choose for you to be a selfish asshole somewhere else.

He is going to the gym to opt out of toddler dinner and bedtime. He is massively taking the piss and he knows it.

Gym is great, DH and I go pretty much every day but when other family obligations allow

He should go to gym in the morning or later in the evening when toddler is in bed.

This

@HavocReap
ive tried explaining how it feels and it just turns into me being told im controlling or overreacting which shuts the whole thing down.

Sorry, that is bullshit behaviour from him. It needs to stop - communication is vital for a good relationship, he's shutting you down.

'You're home anyway so it's different' is a shit argument for a. Him having loads more time for hobbies than you and b. Him not running past you.

When you're at home you're probably doing jobs, listening out for the baby etc if you're the sole parent. If you've been at home all day it's not massively relaxing.

He needs to realise that looking after a baby / toddler is work. Going out to work is work. When neither of you are 'working' (either solely looking after a child or working out the home) the jobs / chicane/ chores etc should be shared. So, he is just unaterly decided you are doing his share of parenting / chores every evening. Which he is right is likely great for his mental health but not fair, or not good for your mental health. Would his paid work be happy for him just to not do his share, because 'his colleagues are at work anyway' and he needs some time off to feel better?

Fundamentally you should both do each other the courtesy of checking the other parent is OK being the sole parent, when it would normally be shared. And time off completely to yourself should be shared.

I'd be telling him again that it's not fair that he just assumes that I'm going to be doing his share of bedtimes / tidying up/ whatever the evening routines are he is missing, particularly without getting my prior agreement or offering to take my share of other parenting / chores to compensate. I'd also be saying that my mental health is equally important and asking how he is going to facilitate my need for time to myself (sitting at home while a child naps does not count here), time out the home, time on hobbies etc

You need to join a gym for your mental health and you both get equal evenings at the gym. You can go to the cinema, get a coffee, walk whatever.
This setup is totally unfair on you.
Also - and I speak as a dedicated gym goer with almost grown children- waiting for machines is not a good enough excuse to be gone from 6 through to 8.30/9. I do an hour at the gym because family life is important. I work around whatever scenario at the gym.

So 4 days a week you are unable to go anywhere?
I do hope that the remaining 3 days a week you go out for a couple of hours after work...

While it's good for him and as he says his mental health, he needs to also take into account your needs and you guys work as a team. Sit down and talk?

It’s both the timing that he’s chosen and the face he hasn’t thought that you might need some time out too!

4 nights a week is taking the piss tbf

This. While exercise and MH is very important, he also does not get to completely drop any parenting. When is you time to unwind and prioritise your MH.