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Original poster

To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

206 replies

HavocReap · 04/02/2026 11:07

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 04/02/2026 14:25

YANBU. Just sit him down and tell him you both need the same time to yourself, so if he is going 4 evenings a week then you will get your hours the other three evenings so he will need to be home and responsible for yea time, bed etc

NerrSnerr · 04/02/2026 14:22

What do the weekends look like OP? Does he do the lion’s share because he isn’t around in the week? Does he get up with your child? Makes their meals? Put them to bed himself? Or are you the default parent?

I agree with the others, he is massively taking the piss. Are you really in an equal relationship? Does he actually love and respect you?

TalulahJP · 04/02/2026 14:21

ZB22 · 04/02/2026 11:24

Well isn’t that convenient for him! Citing his mental heath too….what about yours? As for calling you controlling…..

In summary he can’t be arsed to do any parenting in the evening when he gets back from work so he takes himself out to the gym to avoid it which is knows damn well is the real reason. But of course he makes it all your fault.

He’s a twat imo.

this.

id be telling him i’d joined up too (even if you haven’t) just to watch his face.

double up on contraception. you domt want any more kids wirh this lazy selfish loser.

gototogo · 04/02/2026 14:20

2 times a week for 3 hours or more frequently but less time is fairer, perhaps going before work sometimes, it’s about balance

Lampzade · 04/02/2026 14:18

The truth is that your dh doesn’t respect your time . He couldn’t give a hoot that you work and take on a majority of the childcare and domestic chores .
As far as he is concerned you work PT and have a vagina so you should be doing everything
He calls you ‘controlling’ in order to stop you addressing the unfairness
This is the crux of the matter .

RedToothBrush · 04/02/2026 14:16

Your marriage will not last if he doesn't consider that leaving you four nights a week to put toddler to bed and then sit home waiting for him probably isn't good for your relationship or your mental health.

This might impact his mental health.

He's being a selfish prick at best.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2026 14:15

He can do bedtime 2/ 3 nights in the week then go to the gym

you need to go to the gym do a coffee or see a friend or just go to a pub with a book

MapleOakPine · 04/02/2026 14:14

You need the time to yourself as much as he does. If he disagrees, tell him he's being controlling.

BadgernTheGarden · 04/02/2026 14:14

HavocReap · 04/02/2026 11:07

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

What do you get to do that's just for you? If he wants to get fit he can run around after the toddler for a few hours a day. It sounds really unreasonable of him.

Mamabear487 · 04/02/2026 14:13

I’ve got 2 kids 8&4 my husband has always gone to the gym and unless it’s the weekend he 100% goes after we have both put the kids are in bed. Who needs to go to the gym for the amount of time yours does?! Mines gone an hour most evenings max.

Flowerytwits · 04/02/2026 14:08

HavocReap · 04/02/2026 12:17

some of that feels really extreme and i dont agree with all of it. hes not some monster who hates his child and i dont think its fair to say he doesnt want any responsibility at all. i think people jump very quickly to worst case on here sometimes. i get why but its a lot.

that said i do take the point that words clearly arent landing. ive tried explaining how it feels and it just turns into me being told im controlling or overreacting which shuts the whole thing down. thats probably why people are saying actions instead.

i dont want to stop cooking or doing normal life stuff out of spite because that just makes everything worse. and im not secretly plotting contraception or anything like that. i still want us to work. but i am starting to think i need to be clearer about needing actual time off and not just hoping he notices im tired.

i dont want tit for tat but i also cant keep just absorbing it. maybe it does need to be more practical like saying on x night im not here and thats that. not to punish him but to make it real. because talking in circles clearly isnt working.

im not writing him off. im not packing bags. but i also cant pretend im fine with it when im not. thats probably the middle ground im trying to find even if it takes me a while to get there.

Gosh how on earth can you be controlling when you want to discuss your partner suddenly disappearing and leaving you with all the childcare 4 nights a week - that’s gaslighting I’m afraid- big time

there are so many posts about this - man going to gym for lengthy periods several times a week

smellycat98 · 04/02/2026 14:05

I thought I would read this and say you’re being unreasonable but actually he is taking the piss. The gym for 3 hours 4 times a week? Dh and I both use the gym but we work around each other and have an hour to 1.5 hours each. Why is it taking him that long?

Yanbu to find this too much. When do you get your down time? Maybe tell him you’re thinking of joining too so you can split the evenings fairly.

Flowerytwits · 04/02/2026 14:05

I would approach it as “hey can we have a conversation about the impact on me your new routine is having and work something out”

MuseumGarden · 04/02/2026 14:03

Petitcha · 04/02/2026 13:51

OP, i understand you want to make things work, but in successful relationships that involves two people pulling together.

Not one giving the other taking.
Sadly for the selfish ones, it needs to be actions.

Counting up how many hours he is taking time out weekly.

IMO that tends to focus minds.

He is out 12 hours a week, that is 4 nights x 3 hours.

So you will be out for 6 hours both Saturday and sunday.
Women who do this because they have self worth, tend to get further than those who try and persuade losers to be decent men.

You have tried with words but he shuts you down .
That behaviour is from the abusers text book.

By all means stick to denial.
This is your life.

It really puts it into perspective when you realise its the equivalent of 6 hours on both Saturday and Sunday.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 04/02/2026 14:03

i dont want it to turn into tit for tat either because that feels childish. but equally i dont get evenings off and when ive mentioned that he says im home anyway so its different which i know isnt really fair.
morning gym might be an option and i might suggest that. or fewer evenings. i dont want to join a gym just to prove a point because i know i wouldnt actually go and that feels silly. but i do want him to understand that me being at home doesnt mean im resting. im parenting.

I do understand what you mean, but he's not going to understand it or change without some 'tit for tat'. There are two interpretations of his behaviour - either he genuinely doesn't realise how unfair it is on you, or he knows and doesn't care. Either way he needs to be placed in the same situation himself.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 04/02/2026 13:57

PullTheBricksDown · 04/02/2026 11:12

Join the gym yourself and then say you should do alternate evenings. On your evening just sit there with a coffee if you want. I would honestly do this to make the point

I was going to suggest this

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/02/2026 13:57

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/02/2026 13:49

Agree with him. Absolutely it's important for someone to take care of mental health and make time for self care. So you have decided to follow his example.

You are going out in the evenings on (x days). Doesn't matter if it's an exercise class, swimming, book group or coffee with friends.

He cannot decide to have all evenings whenever he wants. He will have to move at least one of his gym evening sessions to a morning. I bet he'll be quicker to complete his session in the morning.

Agree with all of this.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 04/02/2026 13:56

No op YANBU. Completely agree that he needs to do something that’s just his. Just remind him you’ll be taking your time that’s just yours. See if that changes his attitude.

ShakyFridge · 04/02/2026 13:55

You have to stand up for yourself. If he says you are being controlling you don't just stop the conversation. Yes it is annoying and he will say you're nagging or whatever but this:

when ive mentioned that he says im home anyway so its different which i know isnt really fair.

THIS is why he is a twat. How about he does hours and hours alone with the toddler from 8am to 8pm one Saturday, see how he likes it.

My husband actually quit the gym when DS was a baby - he didn't join one to get out of bed and bath time.

Petitcha · 04/02/2026 13:51

OP, i understand you want to make things work, but in successful relationships that involves two people pulling together.

Not one giving the other taking.
Sadly for the selfish ones, it needs to be actions.

Counting up how many hours he is taking time out weekly.

IMO that tends to focus minds.

He is out 12 hours a week, that is 4 nights x 3 hours.

So you will be out for 6 hours both Saturday and sunday.
Women who do this because they have self worth, tend to get further than those who try and persuade losers to be decent men.

You have tried with words but he shuts you down .
That behaviour is from the abusers text book.

By all means stick to denial.
This is your life.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/02/2026 13:49

Agree with him. Absolutely it's important for someone to take care of mental health and make time for self care. So you have decided to follow his example.

You are going out in the evenings on (x days). Doesn't matter if it's an exercise class, swimming, book group or coffee with friends.

He cannot decide to have all evenings whenever he wants. He will have to move at least one of his gym evening sessions to a morning. I bet he'll be quicker to complete his session in the morning.

blackpooolrock · 04/02/2026 13:43

make out a rota with the nights that you do baby stuff and the nights he does. Tell him you have joined a gym and would like the same opportunities he does.

Go out on your nights even if you do nothing. Let him care for your toddler.

He is avoiding parenting his child.

nixon1976 · 04/02/2026 13:31

I know you say you don't want tit for tat but you also say you can't keep absorbing this. So going for tit for tat is honestly the only way to get him to understand. It does work - I've done it. Be firm. Good luck!

nixon1976 · 04/02/2026 13:28

Honestly, I find the only way to deal with situations like this - which most of us face at one time or another - is insist on equal time to yourself. And not at other, more 'convenient' times for him, but at matching times. So, he has Tuesday and Thursday evenings 6-8 and you have Mondays and Wednesdays 6-8. Even if you don't fancy it you build it into the week in stone and go and sit in a cafe or in your car or whatever, You have to physically make the point to get it into their heads. Then you pull back and he continues to do it while you're in the bath or watching a movie in bed.

You can't control what they do or make them ditch the gym for 'family time' but you can insist on having matching 'me time'.

Furlane · 04/02/2026 13:23

He could go before work or when the child is asleep.

You say you don’t want to join a gym - don’t! But, if he continues to do this you really should get yourself out of the house and leave him in sole charge of getting the toddler dinner and to bed. Otherwise this will become a habit, he will have no idea of the work involved and it will just continue. Your child will grow up to think it’s acceptable for the majority of the domestic load to fall to the woman.