To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

Oh OP, you are very defensive of this man.
He is running you into the ground. Every time you try to communicate your needs, he accuses you of being controlling. You shouldn’t even have to explain to him that it is not on to be out for hours four evenings a week at the most crucial time when you have a toddler.
You seem to be at the very initial stages of opening your eyes, I don’t think you fully realise the selfish article you have at home. Your expectations seem very low. You will be back in a year or two with more of this. It will happen when you have your second child. It is a path well trodden by thousands of women. Take heed and take control, you need to make a stand now.

It’s good he’s going to the gym, but it should be at a time that fits in with family life. When would you rather he go? I go early in the morning so I’m back on time to do the school run. My kids are teenagers though so less hands on.

It’s wise to resist the knee jerk reactions on here to just end a relationship. Many problems stem from normal mismatches rather than irreparable faults. Relationships require two people working together, and challenges are to be expected. For fitness, recommend early‑morning sessions rather than peak evening times. Gyms are far less crowded before work, and a three day strength programme is enough and effective because muscles need about 48 hours to recover for optimal growth. I work out between 6am and 8am then take kids to school. When it comes to parenting, recognise that people engage differently. Some men genuinely enjoy hands on childcare, others like myself don't, but nonetheless contribute in different but valuable ways. Rather than fixating on one specific task, look for other ways a partner can ease the load. I balance the equation of raising our children by:

1. Cooking a weekly sunday roast
2. Taking on majority of school runs and parents’ evenings
3. Handling the majority of washing and ironing the family clothes
4. Share the household house cleaning
5. Doing majority of food shopping after the gym.
6. Majority of household administrative tasks etc

Your child needs adult parents. Is looking after him/her a chore? I think your husband was unreasonable to do this without your agreement.

OP you are making a lot of excuses for him and yourself which make no sense.

You say you need a break, and so many have wisely suggested you alternate evenings off with him whereby you get your break (gym or otherwise) and he gets his. But apparently that’s not the break you need; you’d rather stay home but make sure he’s there to help too.

But the thing is, he’ll never understand how tiring the arrangement is for you unless he experiences it himself. And he will only experience it if you allow him to, by getting yourself out the of the way and letting him do 2/3 evenings alone a week while you’re having a break after work.

I very quickly learned that the best way to get my point across to my husband was not through words but through actions. His first weekend alone with the two little ones was the last time he booked work trips that meant he was away over the weekend. I didn’t even have to ask him again after he had experienced for himself the point I had been trying to express through many words, explanations and arguments - none of which were as effective as his exhaustion from a weekend alone with the toddlers on the back of three working weekdays alone with the toddlers (we both work full time).

Another day another DH thinking he can just tap out of parenting. He says it’s easy for you because you’re home already?! Uh hello that’s why you need a break because you’ve been home all day with a toddler and you need somebody else to tap in and help out!! Looking after a toddler is mentally exhausting. Going to work is easier imo!

He can absolutely go to the gym, nobody is saying he can’t but you need to agree on a schedule that works for the family. Calling you controlling for pointing this out is absolutely ridiculous and a perfect way to just shut down the conversation and make you feel like you’re being over the top. If you are saying to him “I need support” and he is casting your needs aside that is not ok. We all deserve to have our needs met and to be able to compromise with our partner to figure out a solution that works for everyone. That’s called teamwork and that’s what marriage is about.

Do not let this man make you feel like you are being unreasonable because I assure you you are not. Annoyed on your behalf.

You must immediately join a gym and tell him which nights you are going on.
(Join one with a nice coffee shop, swimming pool and sauna so you don't have to work out if you don't want to)

Yeah my husband used to do something akin to this when we had 2 smallies and it caused a lot of friction. It was extremely selfish.

Others saying you take things up too are missing the fact that it is the kids who suffer then because the parent left doing everything is exhausted and far from their best.

We are well past that phase now but some of the many very selfish things my DH was doing over those years really hurt our relationship during that time period.

Thankfully he improved over the years but I feel very sorry for you going through it too and sad that some men are still so selfish when they become parents.

Yes this! While women fit in gym or a run when children are sleeping or at nursery/school (I go at lunch time since I WFH) and somehow we make this work in less than an hour, men seem to do it on the assumption mum is perfectly happy to parent alone the hardest part of the day and they can take all night.

It feels like there's been a thread like this every couple of days...

YANBU. He needs to go after the child is asleep. If he doesn’t give this up then just leave him at home with the child on Saturday and go out all day without telling him.

Just to be clear, would you say OP's DH is a bit of a cunt? 🤣

He should be going after 8pm.

That's a piss take. I run five times a week. To do this I get up very early and run before everyone gets up. I'm back by 7am to start the day with our two young kids. My partner goes to the gym once they are in bed.

He's a skiver.

I've been in a slightly similar situation. Unfortunately I don't think it occurs to some men that having time to themselves comes at the cost of the other parent. Once I explained this to my DH (a few times) and told him how burnt out I was, he finally seemed to understand. You both need 'you' time. If your DH want to gym after work, then he needs to look after the kids on other days so you can have time to yourself. There has to be balance.

This reminds me of my ex who joined the gym after baby no1, which was near his office so he was often late back. Baby no 2, he bought an exercise bike and put it in DS’s room, and then carried DS into our room around 6am so he could use said exercise bike. The noise it made woke everyone up. Yes fine to look after yourself, but the timing was the problem. That said, he later went overseas 4 times to live for work. He messaged me at the weekend and said our DD (17) isn’t replying to his messages / calls. I mean, maybe she is pissed her dad promised her he was done with his overseas work and was staying local whilst she did her A levels. Anyway, I digress.

I’d ask him to go before work, whilst you guys are asleep as he needs to be helping with bath - bed. Why should it all fall to you?

He should fit in around your DC - either before work or after bedtime routine. Total piss take and unfair on your DC not to be able to spend time with him after work. YANBU.

What stands out to me is the fact you don't get to go out and if you did it would be a whole discussion.
Is that why you're saying you don't want to do tit for tat? Because your partner will make it hard for you to go out? He says you're controlling but it sounds like it's the other way round.
Tell him you're going out two evenings a week so he'll have to come straight home. You're only at home anyway because you go straight home from work. If he came straight home from work he'd be at home too. Tell him he has a child and as such needs to come home and help with dinner/bath and bed because that's his responsibility as a parent.
You really need to go out though. You've spoken to him and he doesn't get it so show him His reaction when you tell him you're going out twice a week will tell you if your relationship is worth fighting for.

hes not some monster who hates his child and i dont think its fair to say he doesnt want any responsibility at all. i think people jump very quickly to worst case on here sometimes. i get why but its a lot.
that said i do take the point that words clearly arent landing. ive tried explaining how it feels and it just turns into me being told im controlling or overreacting

Of course he isn’t a monster. He’s not stupid.
He wants the easy responsibility- presenting as the caring husband and father.
It is very common for men like him to throw around accusations of being controlling or overreacting.
He has a plan. A plan where you will be the default parent for absolutely everything that involves any kind of sacrifice.
While he continues to look after Number One.
A plan which seems to be working.
I bet he’s not anxiously worrying and asking for advice on Reddit…

What is it with men suddenly deciding after they have a family that now is the time to go on a fitness kick / take up long distance bike riding / run a marathon / climb Everest? Utterly selfish behaviour.

I too, go to the gym. I go after toddler DD is down for the night and I have my parents look at the monitor (once a week) and the other time I go is during working hours during my lunch break. I don't just swan off to the gym and leave other people to do DD's bedtime four times week because of my mental health.

If the gym is so important he can work it around your toddler. Sounds like he's skiving and using it as an excuse. Would YOU be allowed to just abscond from parenting like this several times a week and assume someone else would pick up the slack? Selfish prick.

You seem far too sensible! You’re right about tit for tat being ridiculous, but a compromise is needed. It’s not fair to suggest that you’re being controlling, because you’re not. My daughter has four children, five, four, two and six months. She does not go to work. Her husband is in the army and works five days a week. He also gets posted away sometimes. It has to be a balance with everyone getting what they need in terms of ‘me time’. He gets up early to accommodate his gym/exercise routine and is usually out perhaps 6 or 7 evenings a month, doing hobby stuff or seeing friends. She does quiz nights and sees friends - only a couple of times a month, but that’s by choice. He is happy to cook, parent and do anything that’s needed BUT does need reminding sometimes 🙂 They muddle along. Make sure you get some time to yourself.

What time does the gym open and close. What time does DC go to bed normally?

How much parenting does he do @HavocReap

Does he cook dinner on days he doesn’t go to the gym? Would he see your toddler in the evening if he didn’t go to the gym?

What do you get for yourself and your mental health? He is the one being manipulative and controlling. He needs a reality check.