I really get this but can see why others don’t, as the way you write about this strikes me as very typical of a subset of neurodivergent women rather than an easily generalised or universal experience, but rather one rooted in a sense of simply wanting to know what is going on with one’s self that leaves you feeling different, and not about wanting to feel special, but to find a sense of normal and belonging.
I am diagnosed with multiple types of neurodivergence and I have a high IQ overall, with areas of particularly advanced ability alongside dramatic weaknesses. The mix of my personal neurodivergence and aspects of high IQ have at times felt confusing, because these traits interact. I don’t fit the usual norms or development routes expected of me in multiple and sometimes seemingly contradictory areas. I really want to do well in life and connect with other people, but this can be challenging, and I found it really difficult as a child to relate to other children my age and they to me. I never got to just be treated or spoken to like I was a normal kid and did not fit in multiple spaces. It was very lonely at times.
Like you, I also experience sensory differences. This includes some synthesia and challenges with some sensory information, alongside very specific sensory related strengths. My mental set up is just… different, in some ways helpful and others less so.
The way my brain works is also that I can be very analytical and I tend to hyperfocus or obsess over certain things, where I have this deep need to learn all I can about some subjects. I can’t just let certain things go or half do them, and that’s not necessarily unhealthy. It is part of why I am so good at some things, but other people often find it odd. Understanding myself became one of my, let’s say, special interests/areas of intense interest and study, but that’s not normal for most people, including many who are neurodivergent. Some are like this, but it took me a while to understand many of us are not, and are happy to self-diagnose or with incomplete information, and that this is an equally valid experience.
When I was in my late teens and early adulthood I felt the same as you do now and so I was in those support spaces looking for answers. I organised some further testing, as I was (and still am) not diagnosed with everything I suspect I could be, especially growing up as a girl in the 90s. It wasn’t necessarily I was struggling as I had in the past, but I wanted to understand myself and exactly what was going on with me, to know myself and feel human. There was a mental health and basic human need there. It was like everyone else got given a guide to themselves and I didn’t get one. I was painfully aware of my differences and I just wanted to know so I had some sense of closure and direction. I felt I needed to know in order to move forward, and a lot of people didn’t understand that or why I couldn’t just get on with life or move on. I suspect it seemed very self-indulgent to some, but for me it was an important part of working out who I was and what I wanted from life, how to navigate it. To also put my past into proper context so I could let some things go that were still holding me back.
I would suggest reading up on different types of neurodivergence, including being ‘twice exceptional’ (gifted and disabled, usually with a type of neurodivergence), it’s a more American term but discovering information about this really helped me. Looking into private assessment might help, potentially though an Occupational Psychologist who specialises in several types of neurodivergence to start, but keep in mind the system we have is very Victorian and that the reason people often can be diagnosed with multiple types of related brain differences is more to do with specialists looking at the same type of people but only seeing the part of them they specialise in understanding. If you have sensory processing differences they will have a knock-on impact on many areas of life, and so I found once I established the root cause of my differences were the same small collection of traits I didn’t feel I needed lots of tests, as I could intuit what the results would be, and I didn’t fancy collecting any more diagnoses. I could end up with lots that ultimately didn’t give extra help, legal protection or anything else, and I just didn’t need that anymore. I was satisfied for my own purposes and knew what I needed to find out what I wanted to know.
It is very common for neurodivergent women to go into mental health and psychology in order to try to better understand themselves and others as well, which is the pathway I ultimately went down in my own quest for self understanding, clear identity and tools to connect more with myself/others. I now feel a lot more comfortable, confident in myself and human rather than like a curiosity looking in from the outside, trying to understand why I don’t work like other people or really what to do with them or myself.
There are now counsellors who specialise in supporting neurodivergent people, too, and many of them ended up there after the same journey you are on now. I’ve had to have sessions due to the nature of my own work and by chance the counsellor I saw had neurodiversity among their specialisms. I cannot express how much they helped me to just feel normal, connected to myself and like I belong instead of always feeling abnormal even when my differences were praised. I think that's often what other people don't get, it's not necessarily about wanting to be or feel special or superior, but the total opposite. I just wanted to feel like everyone else, but before I could get there, I had to understand myself.
I hope I'm not projecting too much and that this is useful.