When should elderly parents downsize?

Gotta love Great Uncle Geoff!

This topic came up on the ‘Elderly Parents’ board. At the risk of being very boring this is what I said there. I am 81, DH 75. Big Victorian house, high ceilings but in a great location, handy for town and walks along river and local castle, DS2 and 3 grandkids live nearby. Rather than setting about a radical clearing operation, hunting for a bungalow and selling this house we had a lift put in. It whisks me from a little study downstairs up to an identically sized room used for storing spare bedclothes. Absolutely life changing and enhancing.
We hope it will allow us to stay here for a few extra years.

Do they actually need to downsize? If they have the funds, inclination and ability to keep their current house well maintained and in generally good condition, and it's potentially adaptable if needed such as a ground floor bathroom or able to have a stairlift put in, then they don't necessarily need to downsize.

i would say the ideal time to move is well before a health crisis makes it necessary - for most I would say that's probably early to mid 70's.

My DM moved into a 2 bed flat in her early 70s. It was stressful but she has done all her downsizing and loves her flat.
My DF and his wife moved from a 3 bed detached house with a huge garden to a 3 bed flat last year at 80 and it was extremely stressful for them..
But I am pleased they are both in suitable accomodation
My MIL and her husband, however, are in a 3 bed house and will not contemplate moving, she is already struggling with her mobility and the house is totally unsuitable for 'downstairs living'. Sadly if she gets worse or her husband gets ill/ goes first, she will end up in a care home, which she will hate.
MIL and my DF are 5 hours away from us in different directions.
My mum is nearer.
I will be downsizing by 75.

Mine did in their mid 70s, they were starting to find the garden difficult to maintain as it was on multiple levels with lots of steps. They also wanted to be closer to the airport and to a hospital.
Our neighbours are about that age now and clinging on to their house but really should sell up, the house and garden are rotting away around them due to lack of maintenance. We help out where they will let us but they hate taking any assistance

I saw the consequences of my late parents not moving to a more suitable home. After my Dad died my Mum was left in a family home which was unmanageable in terms of maintenance and garden. Eventually she moved to a retirement flat. I am in the process of moving at the age of 62 as my house is too big and you need to drive everywhere. New eye tests coming in at 70 so no guarantee you will keep your licence. The whole buying/selling process is an absolute nightmare - plus all the decluttering. Can see the older you get the more CBA to move.

Not much wrong with him mentally then if he’s browsing bungalows on Rightmove! Lol!! My FIL bought one last year at 85 - nice too and unusually small garden but a nice and well kept spacious 3 bedder ( he’s got one as his ‘office’ with big garage

If they don't downsize for God's sake get POA and all the information you will need to sell their property eventually. Right now!

You can't do that if the parent/s are fully competent & able to manage their own affairs. I so wish that I could have done that for my mother, but she was fully competent right up to the end - we talking about a woman who did the Times crossword every day, was fully up to date on political matters, would advise me on the best way to invest money. There's no way that I could have got POA over her affairs.

As soon as possible in order not to become
a burden on their "children" at productive age, who are more than entitled to live their own lives.

Honestly if they were going to move they would have done it about 5-10 years ago. Moving is a stressful business as is admitting human frailty, so sadly I think the window for a voluntary move has passed.
If they can afford it, I would put your efforts into getting them used to having some paid help for gardening and cleaning. In the case of my DPs they were managing well until the day DM had her fall and since then it’s been hellish. I managed to get a cleaner in, but honestly they could lave done with one for about 3-5 years earlier.

Can the house adapt to their needs... downstairs toilet and shower and bedroom etc.

Do they have to move? My dad has a cleaner and a gardener and says he will get a stairlift if he needs one. I don’t want him to move, it’s a safe area with good neighbours who look out for each other and it’s on a bus route.

The time is if they want to. My mother is 88 and still lives in the large 5 bed house with large garden that she and my father bought 50 years ago. After my father died 4 years ago she still looks after the house and garden herself, her only concession is to have someone to mow the lawns. Today she was up a ladder pruning her apple trees.

She talks scathingly about people who move to the few bungalows in the village, saying she would hate to live somewhere so small(3 bed detached bungalows), and I simply can't see her moving somewhere like that. Her house could have a stair lift or there are enough rooms to have a bedroom downstairs. She also has a downstairs shower room. I can't see her ever moving and that's fine.

I myself( early sixties) live alone in a large 4 bed house and have no intention of moving either. My son has said if it came to it he and his wife and I could all sell and buy a very large house where we could all live together, but that would be an absolute last resort and I wouldn't really want him to take on that burden.

My mother did a version of this. She moved downstairs & it meant that the upstairs was effectively a storage space for all her books, clothes, papers (she was an academic & kept all her research papers from 50 years of research). Upstairs there was wallpaper peeling off where damp was ingressing due to a leaky drainpipe, another room had a damp patch where water came in because the roof was leaking. There was sash window that she couldn't close properly & the open bit at the bottom was stuffed with paper & towels. She had mice/rats who'd managed to get in & ate & nested in her papers. It was rather gross TBH.

Would have been so much better if she'd moved into a smaller house or flat that she could manage to maintain, but that would have meant getting rid of all her 'stuff' - easier for her to retreat to the areas of the house that weren't showing the need for repairs & ignore it.

We did it early 50s, no kids. To a 2 bed fair sized bungalow with a smallish garden. Had watched both sets of parents struggle with houses & gardens too big.
Then we had to do the inevitable clear out of decades of stuff. Seriously my mother's house took 10 skips. 55 bags of clothes to charity, still mostly with labels on. Most of the furniture went to the Sally army. It really didn't look cluttered but all the cupboards were full in a 5 bed house. Plus a huge shed & double garage. Father in law's was similar.
Have to say best thing we ever did. Probably 10 years before we needed to. But so very glad we did. Full declutter so very freeing. We are warmer, smaller bills & can clean whole place in record time, with no arguing about whose turn it is to vac the stairs 😆

Mine are similar and I can't imagine they will now. I really think you need to be downsizing in your 70s latest.

I would say that future-proofing and having suitable living accommodation is more important than down-sizing.

You could down size to a smaller property but still find it difficult to adapt to deal with any health issues or disabilities in later life.

A larger property might offer more opportunities to have a bedroom and bathroom downstairs - bungalow style living - and leave the upstairs bedrooms free for other uses - over night carers etc if it came to it.

If and when they can't manage their home any more. But managing their home might be keeping them well and active so don't interfere. Be ready to help them make any adaptations that might be necessary if for example one of them ends up living there alone, or can't manage stairs or needs extra handrails to get about safely. And suggest in a neutral way that they should get LPA set up before they need it (ie now) because it takes many months to come through.

We did it at 66 and 70. Mainly because it was beginning to need a bit doing to it and we just couldn't afford it. I was going to carry on working until I was 70 but mobility issues put an end to that.
We sold to one of those webuyanyhouse places for less than it was worth but a lot more than we paid for it. We bought a park home and it's great. We still have a small garden and privacy.

Last child moved out a month before we did so it was a good time to sort the entire house.

Maybe they won’t need to. If they’re living in a large 5 bedroom house I assume they’ll be room for a bathroom downstairs? And a reception room could be a bedroom?

Mine downsized to a bigger more expensive house. 4 bed not 5 but over 3 floors. Madness. They were early 70’s

My parents house can be adapted and we’ve chosen a smaller house now kids are left, it varies

Depends on where they live, what their financial means are and if it can be adapted. A house in a suburb with public transport within 5 minutes, local services and fairly flat that could be adapted for single storey living and can afford regular cleaners, fine stay put, if isolated, hilly, and finances stretched I’d be encouraging downsizing now

My dad is 83 and still rattling around in his massive house. I tried talking to him about downsizing but he cannot be bothered with the ‘fuss and stress’
I, on the other hand, downsized a couple of years ago and now have a cosy ground floor flat 😆

If they don't downsize for God's sake get POA and all the information you will need to sell their property eventually. Right now! Having a folder with the paperwork for windows, boiler, building regs etc all in one place will be incredibly useful when they either die or get dementia, and leave you with the joyous task of sorting it all out. Trying to cobble this together for a house they have loved for fifty years but then let go to rack and ruin is a giant giant PITA. You will be doing that while dealing with clearing the place- also a nightmare if they didn't downsize and rationalise their belongings.
Choices have consequences... for those of us propping them up.