When should elderly parents downsize?

My parents did it when they were 65. They moved from a 5 bed London home to a 2 bed London flat, near me and my sister. Dad died (of Covid 2 years later) and there was no way my mum would have been able to cope.

FIL died last year, 95 years worth of belongings as lived there his whole life. Loads of charity shop runs and had 3 skips and we need one more skip.
No work on the house for around 40 years ether, just kept clean and tidy by him and the occasional (Very smart) bodge job by FIL.

Yeah, been a lot of work going through it all - but in laws were happy in their house, a whole lifetime of memories. Means more to us that worrying about the work we had on our hands when he died.

Before they need too.
ILs are currently rattling around in a huge house, in a village, limited public transport. It's been suggested that it might be the right time for them to look for a retirement or sheltered house, they weren't impressed with the idea.
I feel if they don't move in the next couple of years they never will but I think it will be a difficult situation when they aren't able to drive.

I don’t think people in their 80s often downsize, they continue until something goes wrong

downsizing happens more in people’s 50s or 60s from what I see

if at all

But then you wouldn't have needed to? Your mum was doing just grand, did it matter to you where she lived?

My parents are in a 5 bed house and I can’t see them moving, maybe when there’s only one of them left. They did talk about it once and looked shocked when I pointed out they’d essentially need to get rid of everything in at least 1/3 of the house. They’re not great at throwing things out. Either way, it’s up to them what they do.

But none of that has anything to do with how big a house they are in?
Once you're old and need help, you're old and need help, if in a 1 bed flat or a 4 bed house.

Leave them alone to make their own choice! No hard and fast rule to downsize, that's a reasonably new pressure put on people imo.

FIL lived in his 3 bed house all his life, 95 years. Well, 94 if take away the one year in a nursing home. He didn't want to leave, he didn't need to leave, he stayed put and good on him. He was fighting fit until 92, so we had someone come in a couple times a day to make him something to eat (because he couldn't be bothered, rather than being unable) and we went often, partner stayed over a couple days a week.

He had a whole life time of memories in that house, good on him for doing what he wanted.

this.

I'd say up to them but as a Social Worker I'm always surprised by a lack of planning/acceptance around getting older. If the house is set up for ground floor living e.g downstairs bathroom & ideally a spare room for a bed then that's great. I'd do anything to ensure I could stay in my home for as long as possible, even if it means downsizing, I regularly look at bungalows & I'm in my 40s!

Rest of the family guilt tripped her to continue the role. The same relatives that are nowhere to be seen when something needs attending to.

Clearly you don’t have any idea how difficult it is looking after very elderly parents and the pressure it puts you under.

I suppose you just have to think, what if? Nobody knows what old age will bring. My parents have lived in a practical bungalow for 50 years but dementia has already taken my mum into care in her mid 70s. MIL had significant mobility problems but managed with a stair lift and adapted bathroom for several years, but their house was already small, manageable and near family.

I think the crunch point is when they can't manage in the big house, such that it starts affecting other family members or all starts to unravel and become a hazard. By this point people often aren't physically or emotionally able to move house despite the benefits. So if they haven't already moved they probably won't now.

Mine downsized at retirement - but that’s because they wanted to release funds to travel
DF died at 95 and DM is still able to live alone with carers (helped by being in a bungalow with wet room etc)
I am glad they did at right time as it’s helped us

Then she should have declined to role of executor.

Bet they leave their adult child as Executor with the cats home breathing down their necks wanting their inheritance asap. It happened to a relative. She was named as Executor and all Uncle’s money was left to various charities.

If they're in their 80s its possibly too late. The upheaval and stress of settling in a new house could be more than they can it want to cope with. Personally I'm staying put.

What an awful and entitled post. What on earth makes you think someone can just “get” PoA over someone, let alone the presumption that their assets are simply something to be eventually managed on. They could well be planning on leaving it all to the cat shelter.

This!

If they haven’t shown any inclination to move by now, it’s probably too late. Could they convert a downstairs room to a bedroom if mobility becomes an issue?

I am going to sound cold but I am heartily sick of hearing that very elderly people can decide for themselves. It will be the adult children propping them up, often being called every day for something they need help with ( and is very urgent of course!).

And the ‘I dont want to be a burden but…’

My name was given out to half the county because parent got very anxious and of course it was easier for them to pass on my details. Anything from organising a Covid jab to having her hair coloured was given to me. Parent wanted to stay in their old home whilst telling everyone else that she was doing just fine!

New eye tests coming in at 70 so no guarantee you will keep your licence. Thank heavens! (Speaking as someone whose car was written off last year by a very elderly driver in thick glasses 😒)
As many have said here before you need to. But from sad experience of FIL many absolutely refuse.

My Dad was 76 when he downsized into a flat in an over 50s development. And truthfully it took him about 3 years to agree to it - he was in a huge rented house in a tiny village that he couldn't manage to keep up with, nor the garden. Thankfully the decision was shoved along by his dire finances. He loved being in a small town, it gave him far more independence as he could then shop/see GP etc without my input.

We've already said we'll downsize when we retire. DH wants to get a campervan so we need somewhere that's safe to be left for extended periods, and we're too rural where we are to be able to maintain independence if we can't drive. I'd rather do it too soon than too late. I used to work as a carer and saw so many elderly folk living in wholly unsuitable homes which just made their lives harder.

That's the problem - they can't know. Like pp said - "about five years before they need to". When they get frail, it's very hard to face it. My grandparents did it when they were both over 90, and it was very tough on them.

Can they afford a gardener, cleaner etc, if it became necessary? And would they be sensible and do it? The worry is that you end up in the common scenario where they refuse paid help and insist they can manage, when what they mean is they expect you to do it all.

I’m so glad my parents downsized when they did, in their early 60s. My mum got ill with cancer a few years later and her last couple of years were better for having a nice modern flat with a lovely view she could enjoy. My dad has managed the flat on his own until very recently when he’s employed a cleaner to help (he is quite frail). I think he’ll have to give up driving soon and he’s in a location where he can rely on public transport. I’m already browsing dream retirement flats and my youngest is only 12 😂

Whenever they want to. YABU to bring "should" into it. 🙄

Mine refused. They told me every time I mentioned it that they werent ready. I repeatedly told them when they got to the point of ready they wouldnt be physically able to. That is exactly what happened. Then one parent died and the other couldnt manage physically in the house at all alone and was sent to a care home immediately. Ive told my dh were are moving to a more appropriate home well before we actually need one.

My mil watched her own mother become unable to use the upstairs of her home and so she moved to a very nice bungalow when she was still fit and able.