When should elderly parents downsize?

My partner has just turned 60. We're moving from a 2 bed terrance to a 5 bed house, with nearly an acre for a garden.
Yeah, I said he was mad when we are at an age where some downsize and look for a quieter life! But he wants to, he's dreamed of lots of space and a large garden. The way I look at it is if he's happy, and gets to enjoy a good 10 years of what is left of his life in the house he loves before the possibility of needing help or having to move again, why should I ruin that for him, even if I think he's a little mad!? Nobody knows whats around the corner, so enjoy whatever you can, when you can.

Downsize, yeah, but the most important thing is their elderly relative may be happy in their home and the house have many happy memories. That's a powerful reason to stay.

A neighbour of mine is 94. He has a cleaner, a gardener and a carer but essentially manages very well. He uses a stair lift.

They don’t necessarily need to if there’s room for them to move beds downstairs when they eventually need to. Surely it’s far better for people to remain in familiar surroundings if they’re able. Who wants to move in old age if they don’t have to? It’s their home so I expect they’ll let you know if they’re thinking of selling.

in a house of that size, they can presumably just start living downstairs when necessary as there’s loads of space. as long as the house is in good condition, they could live there forever.

The post I responded to didn't mention any maintenance.

Have you asked them?

They might not want to.

In which case you can’t force the issue, as it’s their decision, even though logically it might be the right thing for them to do.

It’s great when people say ‘when they feel they need to’ and ‘it’s their choice’.

Because chances are that’s already too late, and it’s their children that are then left to sort out whatever the next crisis turns out to be.

It’s far easier to maintain a 1-bed flat with no garden and service charge than a 4-bed detached with huge garden no?

But a tiny 1 bed flat tends to have small rooms with zero space to host family. No garden? My grandfather downsized aged 77 to a little flat as you described and bitterly regretted it. It was a poor financial decision and he missed his garden badly.

Bravo!

Why is it your business what two adults do? Do you allow them to freely make comments about your life? Maybe they have opinions about how you live but are polite enough to mind their own business! Presumably if they downsize there will be a pot of money freed up and that's the agenda.

ILs are in their early 80’s, mobile and out walking daily but slowing down a bit. Just their walking pace!
Their house is definitely too big for them, they have 6 beds and 5 flights of stairs, they never really go up to the top 2 floors of their house and many rooms are totally unused unless anyone goes to stay.
They have toyed on and off over the years with selling up and downsizing so they have less wasted space and less of a job maintaining - it’s a big job looking after an old house, keeping on top of the bigger things to keep everything in good working order. Each time they’ve put it on the market they get cold feet and take it back down again and accept they’ll just live there forever.
realistically it would be very difficult for them to easily live downstairs, their kitchen and dining and utility rooms are all one floor down from the living areas on the next floor although the utility could be converted into a bathroom I suppose as there’s already a toilet in there.
I don’t think they’ll ever leave tbh.

After witnessing two generations rattling around in large, unsuitable houses, I'm counting my blessings with mine. It has enough ground floor space that I could live on the ground floor, keep a mobility scooter in the garage and has local/ community services close by or by public transport if I can't drive. The garden is modest and upkeep should be fairly straightforwards for a gardener and robotic mower.

DM spent about 20 years saying that she should downsize but has gone quiet about it in the last decade. Large, old, multi-storey, hoarded house. Can't live on one level or adapt it (listed building, solid brick walls). She'd seen her mother spending decades struggling in an awkward Victorian house, talked the talk but was never realistic about where she'd move to and never got things in gear.

If it hasn't happened by 75, the chances are that it won't on a voluntary basis. It just gets too overwhelming and tiring to deal with.

The key thing to consider is if the layout is adaptable to changing needs.

I agree that they should move wheb they feel ready but ideally that time is now wheb they still hopefully have time to enjoy their new home.

The trouble a lot of older people find themselves in is that the have stayed too long and the next move will be to a care home.

When they decide to.

I don’t think elderly parents should ever have to downsize. However, wherever they are, and this might include a bungalow, they need contingencies in place if for example getting in a bath is suddenly impossible.

My father had an accident and that jolted him into downsizing into a nice bungalow as previously he was having to navigate the stairs.

I have friends who have parents with dementia and that’s where it gets really difficult because they’re mentally unable to see that they need to change their living situation

Not true if the house or garden need a lot of maintenance. It’s far easier to maintain a 1-bed flat with no garden and service charge than a 4-bed detached with huge garden no?

I told DH when bought this house I'd be leaving it in a box and I meant it.

Its got a downstairs bedroom with a large ensuite & if necessary we could simply live downstairs. We have a gardener & a cleaner.

My in laws moved practically next door to my SIL so she could look after them. She wasn’t consulted about it.

My parents died when I was in my early 20’s and I only have DH now and no kids. I’m 55 and niw trying to prepare in all ways possible to have all the ‘strangers’ I need to help us when the time comes.

Problem might well be she mentally associates the house with her husband and doesn’t want to let go of that - I’ve got a lovely lady 2 doors away, think posh , well travelled intellectual lady , always has her smart hair and lipstick - mid 80s - she too is a widow and her house and garden are enormous - it’s a 2000 sq ft Victorian semi , quite unique and gothic looking and I have to be honest I would find it a bit creepy on my own

My Mum is a widow and in a big house with a massive garden, as in half an acre!! Despite suggestions from myself and siblings she refuses to downsize. She us struggling to maintain especially the garden and hasn't the funds to pay a gardener/garden repairs. It frustrates me how she lives hand to mouth week on week when her house is worth a fortune and if she downsized she could have a lovely quality of life. I would love to see her enjoy the rest of her life without worrying about money. But she doesnt want to and ultimately its her choice. She's 73. I dont agree, neither do rest of the family but what can we do 🤷‍♀️

The issue is that the majority of elderly people don’t want paid help, strangers etc. They want the family to do it often daughters. Doesn’t matter if they live mikes away.

Do they want to move? Similar sized house here and we'll never move.

Mine did it early 70's a decade on the spare room has about 3 rooms worth of stuff in and will never be sorted. I'd say get it done by early to mid 70's or it risks getting too much.

More ageism on MN ! When they want to is the answer. It is also nothing to do with you. If my sons started poking their noses into my affairs I might be considering a very large bequest to the Cats’ Home.

I’d say when they want to. Or not at all if they decide to make adjustments to stay in the big house (a lift, domestic staff). Its not for you to decide. Is this about inheritance at all?

I don’t have elderly parents but DH’s downsized in their mid seventies because they wanted to move closer to their daughter at the same time. I’m 55, fit and well, and want to buy an ‘easier’ house now.