When should elderly parents downsize?

This! My mum was widowed 9 years ago and her bungalow is too big for her, she has my late dad's ornamental gardens to maintain despite never sitting in the back garden since dad went, she won't use or heat the large conservatory or heat it and the same goes for her dining room. When she gives us things I worry because I. An smell the damp on things as she stores Xmas & birthday presents etc in the dining room that never gets heated.

The problem is she's mentally vulnerable and although admits herself she needs to downsize and wants to, the process will be a world of pain for us all because she's hugely obstructive about the property she wants, how it has to look and where it needs to be and she has it in her head that she can see something she really wants and reserve it before even putting her own property on the market! Doing things that way around is a massive gamble because any property she does want will likely be gone by the time she's sold hers! And if she changes her mind because the property she wanted is no longer available I'd imagine the estate agents would charge her a get out fee.

She also has the unrealistic view that if she put her bungalow up that it'd sell immediately! It's a nice bungalow without doubt but it's sized for a couple but now only has one bedroom because dad turned it into a dining room, knocked the end wall out and stuck a bloody great big conservatory on it so it'll not be easy to convert it back for those wanting a 2 bed bungalow!

Housing in an ideal world suits needs and can be adapted. We like our house and I love the road but it wouldn’t be good if either of us became very disabled or frail. Our neighbours are in their late fifties like us and they will be selling and buying a bungalow soon. I just don’t like bungalows so am after a house that can have total downstairs living if need be. I want a better view as well. We are now part way through our Swedish death clean, I’m 60 this year hopefully it’s very premature but seems a good time. Just doing over winter months.

We lived in Germany for a long time and my ideal would be one of the perfectly designed Ikea tiny apartments they had there.

I don’t wish DH gone but for some reason I always imagine living in one alone, with some paid help, and that doesn’t make me sad.

Small place mortgage free sounds bliss. Well seen its not him thats looking at it, with the hoovering in mind.

We have a 4 bed, we hang out on the sofa in the kitchen, the living room is hardly used and the spare bedroom is a dumping ground. Its just more cleaning, and maintenance. If I could turn back the clock i don't think I'd have a big house.

He has a good career and lots of hobbies but due to extended education and lots of travel and living abroad we didn’t start our settled life and buy a house until very late. I think he’s just ready for a big house at 55 in the same way that many people are ready for a big house in their early thirties. I don’t want it but I think I do understand it.

He also doesn’t worry about stuff like maintenance and cleaning (and doesn’t see things that need doing around here) so he sees the fun he could have in a big house but doesn’t see the added cleaning and maintenance.

We’ve viewed a few lovely Georgian villas and fantasised / thought about actually living in them and now he seems to be moving towards getting a small place with a great shed and possibly being mortgage free. I’m not worried 😏

I’d say 83 and a quarter and not a minute before.

@godmum56 - indeed. Mother and I had the conversation years ago about personal care. She does not wish me to do it and I don't wish to do it. We mutually agreed that if and when she needs help to toilet or wash, it would be paid for.

If anything were to happen to DH I would move somewhere smaller for sure but it would be my choice, not that of my children. If I were moving beyond capacity I'd prefer to pay someone to care and if I had enough capacity, at that stage, I hope I'd have sufficient agency to stop eating. In 20 years my DC will be 51 and 47, possibly in the throes of teenagers. I'd like them to visit occasionally, I anticipate they'll be abroad. I don't want them putting their own lives on hold if I need care.

My parents didn't and neither did their parents. I think very few want to leave what has possibly been their lifelong home and are will to make sacrifices to enable them to stay (help with the house and/or garden, living on one level etc).

TBH I think we will probably be the same.
Our house is way too big for us in old age but we moved here a few years ago as it is perfect for us now and it can be adapted in the future. The layout is good, can take one of those through the floor lifts and the garden is more modest than we used to have.

Ime it's when fate forces it or when they choose. Sensibly, My mum should have moved the moment her mobility declined but couldn't handle the logistics so refused.

In laws have both fallen down their stairs. One had a brain bleed and a stroke. The other broke ribs and vertebrae. Neither seem to have any intention of moving or thinking the house is unsuitable. It's just random bad luck.

If they don't want to, can't or won't adjust the house layout to have a downstairs bedroom then it is what it is.

The day that it is one day too late.

If they are still happy and love the house it's all moot realistically isn't it I guess? It's not our choice. They have capacity? That includes to make choices we wouldn't.

I'm sure we will all be in Amsterdam type town house with the bedroom on the fourth floor at 95 getting irritated that our kids suggest falling down the 75 degree stairs might be a risk.

I am answering this both from a professional and personal point of view. Children can and should be clear what they can and cannot do. Whatever one's age, choices have consequences. All my professional life I advised adult children to have honest (loving where possible) conversations about what they could do to help and what they could not and advised my patients to think about choices and consequences.....all of which is a long way away from saying what parents should do and at what age they should do it.

The reality is that most people don’t think about moving into more suitable accommodation until it’s too late. I went through it with my mother, and now going through it with the in laws. FIL has dementia and moving now is just impossible - his mental map is fucked, he remembers various houses he’s lived in but no idea which house is the current one.

@RosesAndHellebores thing is though you clearly come from monied families and I suspect that your parents and in laws would get help in if needed - my FIL would too , but it’s clear on here that plenty of elderly parents do expect their families to drive hundred of mines regularly , let their homes collapse around them and refuse to get help in - so in principle I totally agree with you but on the proviso that people can’t make really unreasonable demands on their adult children or refuse to pay out for help when they clearly are just being miserly

absolutely this. Its my life and I will live it to suit me.

the point is that they like being there and want to do it.

What a strange (and incorrect) assumption.

Why does he want a huge house?

Thats just a lot of maintenance and cleaning for the hell of it. Plus a big heating and council tax bill.

you can't "get" one anyway. The person gving the POA has to choose to do it and needs a witness to sign to say they are aware of what they are doing and are doing it of their own choice. If they are not competent to agree to a POA then I believe a guardianship order is needed. A financial POA can be activated whenever the donor chooses to activate it or when they become no longer competent to handle their own affairs. A Health and Welfare POA IIRC only becomes active at the point and to the extent where a person can't make their own health and welfare decisions.

I didn’t say I wouldn’t be fed up. I do sympathise.

You’re right in that you can’t force them to downsize.

But when you live several hours away and you have neighbours constantly ringing you because your parent isn’t coping in a massive house with no support, you’d be fed up too.

I'm 65, DH is 64. Both still working in professional jobs, both still capable of driving from Surrey to Southern France, where we have another home.

When we can't get upstairs, we'll.install a lift - our neighbours have.

We'll move if and when we want to which I doubt we will.

MIL remains in the house she bought with FIL in 1960. Mother and step have been on their 4 bedder with huge garden since 1977/8. Neither dh nor I would dare or deign to suggest they move into a little flat. They love their homes and can afford them.

It is the choice of individuals for as long as they have capacity.

You made me smile! We’re 55 (no kids) and live in a small 3 bed farmhouse, before this we lived in 3 bed flats.

I’d now like something about the same size but easier to look after (no land) but my DH has suddenly started wanting to look at 5 / 6 bedroom villas with big gardens. I’d love to have something like that too, but feel too old already.

Time is so fleeting.

off you pop and move then.

Its reality, its pointless for people to be rattling around in a huge house thats no longer suitable for them, too big half of it unused.
The cleaner or the gardener stops for whatever reason, they need someone else to find them a replacement.

There also comes a point where people can't cope with the hassle and stress of moving.

If people want to maintain independence they need to move somewhere suitable, preferably on a bus route, while they are still fit enough, to actually be able to walk to the bus stop.

I can see your point but if the parents still have their wits about them you simply can’t force them to downsize.

They’re adults, and all adults sometimes stay in situations that are not ideal, nobody can force change. Once illness and infirmity set in change could be imposed on them, but until then if they want to keep the big house, they keep the big house.

This. Absolutely this.