When should elderly parents downsize?

I'd be tempted to put the wall back up and change the conservatory.
That way it will be less expensive to heat. And be much easier to sell in the future, lots of couples will still want to have a spare bedroom for DGC to visit.

I do think if it's been pointed out multiple times and ignored a valid option is to watch it play out. This was the case unfortunately for my mum. Me and my sister tried to get her to move. There was a million excuses including her furniture not fitting into a new house. The reality then was that she died in real horrible circumstances and most of her stuff and furniture went into landfill.

Pil are cagey with the subject of becoming infirm. Told dh none of the offspring have LPA so in reality we will not be getting involved if they can no longer cope they are 300 miles away and their LPA person lives in another country.

Sometimes there are so many barriers put in front of you you can swoop in to save someone

It not just about the house, its the contents.
I've ranted about PIL elsewhere here but they have a good choice home that is now furnished poorly and dangerous.
All bathrooms carpeted, awkward and cold
Impossibly low sofas and chairs that they struggle to get in and out of.
Rugs, tiny rugs, thresholds, splayed furniture legs everywhere, which catch you unawares
The kitchen is so cluttered, barely any work surface to safely use a kettle.
Being there as a guest is stressful. The sofa bed in the perfectly large double bedroom can only, ONLY, be operated by MIL. I hope she's put the secret in with her will. Late teen grandchildren are expected to sleep on tiny sofas or a 1960 zed bed despite this being a four bed bungalow.

The sad thing is they adore their house, spent the last 25 years shopping Antiques, Dubai fripperies and vast amounts of decorative stuff from every lifestyle catalogue going is now being decluttered three candlesticks at a time. But it's too late. Even if one did move how would we establish what was really important when everything is treasured.

It's really going to effect the grieving process for DH and siblings wading through it all. The possessions will overwhelm the people and DH and I are already making different plans for us.

I know about the feeling too old. It may not be sensible moving to larger places, but we've not had it yet at our age, hopefully!
The way I look at it is am not going to fill the house full of 'stuff', so when the time comes to move again, be easier and I truly want him to just enjoy himself in an area he adores. Am already calling him Lord of the Manor, as the house is huge 😁
We do have a 5 year plan though, an agreement. Every 5 years we will assess what we need and feel, and need be move again.

I hope you find a home that you both love :-)

I'm with Uncle Geoff! Our dks had all left home,we did downsize to a 2 bedroom bungalow, detached, because we were sick of inconsiderate neighbours,we wanted a much bigger garden,near the sea and countryside. I was 60 DH 7 years younger. I was going to go from full time night nursing to PT days, local hospital,but a few months after moving,DH came home from work to tell me, his company had liquidated on the spot,so I carried on with the much better paid position. Late parents didn't downsize, they had a 2 up 2 down..
. The original plan was move.to a cheaper area, Surrey to East Sussex and add to the pension pot. That didn't work out because of the state of the previous neighbours gardens,we had to reduce the price of the property hugely.

Obviously as adults with full mental capacity it's their decision when/if they make any changes but I wish I'd encouraged my parents, when they were both fit and well in their 70s, to seriously consider how their home would work for them if that changed (including how one would cope there when the other passed away). It's not just about the size of the house/garden but also the location if/when they can no longer drive. Mine would have had to conclude that house would need some major alterations to be suitable for someone with mobility problems, was too big for one person and was in a location that would be very isolating for someone who could not drive.
Unfortunately they worked on the basis that they liked their home and would deal with any problems if/when they happened. But the health of both deteriorated very quickly and now Mum is alone in an unsuitable property and just doesn't feel she could cope with the stress and upheaval of a move but isn't managing well. I wish they'd moved to somewhere more suitable 5 years ago so it would be familiar to her now.

About 6 months before they realise they need to.

But it will become their business if you become too old / frail to cope with the home you’re in and too frail / stubborn to move. That attitude can be really selfish because you are passing your future problems onto your kids.

It’s hard to accept that though, I do realise that.

I have already downsized. I am working hard every day to keep as fit and healthy as possible for as long as possible.

I totally agree with you that she may be better off just heating the house and paying for a gardener to do the gardens - she'll not want to get rid of Dad's creations but she's not as skint as she makes out to be and could certainly pay someone to keep it tidy, trimmed and weed free for her. She's a very introverted and glass half empty kind of person. Had my dad survived her he'd have had an active social life and still enjoyed sitting in his conservatory.

There's definitely a part of me wants her to stay where she is because she would end up with a lot of money in the bank from downsizing and she gets addicted to a dodgy shopping channel that sells her dodgy stuff that they tell her is the bargain of the century and she believes it! I wouldn't want her to fritter money away like that.

We’ve planned it too. Although I’m not yet 60 i do have osteoarthritis and just know my knees aren’t going to cope with the stairs when I’m elderly and the house is just so unsuitable for two old people.

Sadly it's a very difficult call. Mil and fil moved to a small 3 bed when they were in their early 70s which was lovely, but had crap neighbours and instead of sticking it out or talking to me about it they moved to an "independent retirement complex" which is full of small minded people who are bord shitless with nothing to do but gossip about each other! They were in their 70s but still fit and active.

Mil is now 97 and it's perfect now .But she's been on her own for 8 years and hated the place. And could easily have lived in the small house.

Against this was the guy I worked for who refused to move before his wife became ill to be nearer family. They had a large house with a massive (think stately home sized) garden which I was employed to work on 2 hours a week plus a lawn care expert. My wife cleaned it for 4 hours a week.

His wife died. His health declined and finally he moved... leaving on the Thursday, he died on the Sunday having never lived in his new home.

My gran was still doing her own housework on a 3 bed house well into her 90s. Not as sparkly as it had been, but absolutely fine. She had gardener come fairly regularly to mow the lawn and prune the shrubs.

For the last year of her life, she lived downstairs but had a stair lift fitted so she could go upstairs to the loo.

It was her home and she was surrounded by memories. My dad had left their city as a very young man and her house was where he, my kids and I all returned frequently.

It worked for her. I may make a different decision eventually.

My PIL downsized twice - once at 80 to a newly built house in town with a smaller garden. Then at 90 to a flat near family. They did both before they were absolutely essential and were able to take the time to make the changes they wanted. I think it helped that they had always moved often and were perhaps less tied to a place than others. But it showed the value of a sensible and timely move.
My DPe did the opposite and stayed in their secluded house with terrible stairs and large high maintenance house long after it was sensible or safe, by which point they had neither energy or capacity to move.

DH and I have already planned where we want to downsize to in the local town at a sensible time!

I would say it’s their choice. They may never want to.

Surely, it will cost her more to move than to heat the house for 10 years. Can modifications not be made in the garden to make it more manageable?

I guess I look at this differently. MIL is 89 and 240 miles away. She has a daily carer, just to make her lunch and for whom dh pays. DH visits every three weeks. She still goes to the shops, on the bus, once a week and is collected weekly for luncheon club. Increasingly frail.

Mother 89 and step 83 are fiercely independent, slowing down a bit but still entertain and play golf (him) and bridge (both). Their home is immaculate, weekly cleaner and the garden has been wound down over the last ten years and is now largely lawn and pots with little to trim. They are 80 miles away. I can get to them in an hour and three quarters, visit monthly and expect this to increase.

Our grandparents were similar, independent to the end. Our grandads died at 91 and 90 in their armchairs. DH's aunts visited on a weekly rota for the last year - they didn't resent it. Mine was close to mother but never needed an errand - he did downsize when grannie died but only because it was time for the farm to go, which was hers. He moved to a modern flat with sea views.

My granny downsized at 92 from a big 4 bed to a 2 bed bungalow and was very happy there. She had pretty much the whole thing redone and loved having builders in every day to chat to and make bacon butties for! We all had to pitch in and help her with selling stuff or taking it to the tip and packing and unpacking but she never regretted it and lived another 4 years.

To be fair my parents had a rush of blood to the head and made a downstairs room with shower and toilet, but it's used as an art studio so it's going to be enormous fun when someone needs to sleep in the studio.

I think the thing about this is the "should". No-one wants to do what they "should".

The answer is, before they NEED to.
Its damn hard work to have a life changing situation, like a stroke, and then have to move to somewhere accessible.

My DF never downsized from our beloved family home -- when he became too frail to manage the stairs we made one of the downstairs rooms a bedroom for him (he'd been having a gardener for years anyway). Apart from the fact dad would never have moved from the house It made perfect sense as we were always able to use the house with it's 4 big bedrooms and larger spaces for family gatherings, with dad always able to attend 😊 (dad wouldn't have had it any other way in any case!)

My inlaws did it around 70 - not the type of property as arguably the old bungalow was more suitable for old age than their current house, but they moved very close to younger family so near to GP, hospital, shops etc and have settled in very well.

My parents would not discuss anything like this and so their only option is going to be to pay people to look after them in their large, rambling, not very warm home. I can understand how they felt (my dad has an amazing garden and you can't move that) but it will be muggins here managing it all from nearly an hour's drive away.

So I'd say 70 ish if in good health.

Mine downsized in their 60's which is just as well as 10 years later neither could manage stairs or a big garden and they certainly wouldn't cope with a house move now.
I have other elderly relatives who live in a massive house and their health has taken a sudden downturn with one of them now severely disabled and the other very frail. They need to sell but are in no physical state to deal with a house sale/move. Not sure what's going to happen there.
Personally I want to live in a studio flat when I'm old with absolute minimum maintenance and cleaning.

The problem with everyone saying ‘when they want to’ and that it’s their choice is that we tend to have all the worry of them living in an unsafe and unsuitable house and we have to deal with all the consequences like frequent falls and living in an unclean house as it’s too big for them to clean.
I can speak for myself and my peers when I say that and also this issue pops up on the elderly parents chat.

It's a decent sized place and my dad put a really big conservatory on it, my mum sits with no heating on in the winter because it's a detached corner plot bungalow and she's terrified of her heating bills - probably more than she needs to be. It was allegedly 94 square metres before my dad put the conservatory on it. She is creating damp problem because she doesn't use or heat the dining room and conservatory and that's the other side to the issue, it's not really just the size, it's the practicality and manageability, she's starting to struggle with the ornamental gardens at 74 as she has her health issues. She says she wants a ground floor apartment.

Before they need to. My mum is nearly 90 and has refused to move because she likes her neighbours. Said neighbours have now all died and she’s alone in a 3 bed house with no downstairs loo and still refusing to move because now she can’t face the upheaval. I definitely won’t be making the same mistake…

@FlyingCatGirl are you really saying that what was originally a two bed bungalow, albeit with a conservatory, is too big for one person? How many sq feet is it?