When should elderly parents downsize?

I have strong feelings on this based on my own parents decline over the last 5 years and my PIL situation i see now.

Whilst i fully accept that the correct answer is "When they decide" there are things that effect this imo. My DM died 5 years ago to a heart attack. She died way too young and was the fit one compared to my DF. Her death was sudden and left my dad in a right mess trying to cope in an unsuitable house whilst trying to learn to live by himself. His next 5 years were miserable and when he finally passed away it was more of a release from all his pain, loneliness and suffering. He had plenty of money but clung onto his principles that he wanted to keep his unsuitable home even though it meant we couldnt offer the support we wished we could.

Having watched that and now seeing my in laws setting themselves up for an extremely hard time when either of them passes i think there is a good time to sell up whilst you have control. When one of them passes away the one left behind is going to have a completely unsuitable house, garden and way of life that they will have no chance of adjusting if and when the time comes.

Consider this if you were to pass away and leave your 70/80 yr old spouse alone

Location of house - Closer to family links makes it eaiser for them to be consistent and be there in emergencies.
Doing it earlier means is will not be such a shock to the system
Size of house - Easier to maintain. Safer. More suitable
Size of garden - Same as size of house
Transport links to maintain independence
Being able to avoid care home - Having a smaller, purpose built home that allows you to remain in it longer is a huge benefit to older peoples mental health.

This isnt a financial comment. Spend ever last penny on the suitable replacement property. Just make sure its with the intention of the survivor having the best chance of continuing a good standard of living whilst alone.

Why would you be really angry @Growlybear83 ?
Do you listen or take on board anything your daughter suggests.
What about friends, we found our parents took on board ideas from friends more easily than from children.

It's an interesting mindset. Perhaps the time to down size is just before you refuse to entertain the idea of change.

my mil and father both lived to early 90s and didn't downsize though they lived in modest 3 bedrooms, I'm not going to downsize either. It's more than just a house. Although i guess if parents live in mansions it's different :D

I don’t think there should be any expectation on parents to downsize - a large proportion of parents will be in the home that they’ve lived in and lived for many years, and it’s up to them to decide if and when they want to move, providing they’ve still got capacity. We have decided to move at the age of 68 and 72, after living in our current house for 34 years, but we’re moving to a larger house because we love having lots of space. Our current house has got a large garden, which we both love and spend a lot of time maintaining, but the new garden is a bit smaller and will be easier to manage as we get older. I would be really angry if my daughter ever tried to persuade us to downsize!

My DF's house was a death trap with a sofa up the stairs and various newspaprs and books. Its often the falls that get them and there has been no prep done to ensure that there is a plan in place that everyone signs up to.

It rarely happens and its almost like the elderly think they are going to live foever with their health how it is now. The other thing to watch for is the performance that is put on for outsiders. My Father threw out the fire brigade when the came in for a welfare check. he also had capacity... Nothing else happened until he realised that he just couldnt cope in his house. That is when I was called in.

Could I ask what you feel about this?

My late Mum didnt want to be a burden - she said this many times and got upset about it but it didnt stop her calling me or the retirement complex calling me as she had done something worrying. She had just left it too late to move, and just reached out to the only person she could which was me. I remember having to change her like a baby on the bed as she had wet herself. That sight is with me forever. I will be honest - she was OK with it. Someone had to help her and that person was me.

In her younger days she was very sweet natured but old age and panic set in and the last 3 years of her life was very very difficult for all of us including her. I had a upsetting conversation with the GP surgery about End Of Life and whether they could bring her back if she became unconcisious. Dr told me in detail they would have to break her ribs, etc and she would most likely have a very poor life afterwards.

In both DM and PIL’s case, at least 2 years ago. Neither can cope with the house or garden. DM had a bad fall which has meant a sudden change in capability; she has a cleaner and gardener and is near shops so can just about manage. PILs have dementia, refuse to admit there’s a problem, won’t let anyone unknown in and can’t reach any shops or services from where they are. The house is filthy, they hoard terribly and sometimes don’t have food or toilet roll when we arrive. Poor SIL is having to go regularly even though she’s a 90min drive away (we’re further and DH works full time).

TLDR: before they think they need to.

Mine downsized mid 70s but my PIL haven’t. Late 80s/90s.

What support does your Mum need and has she asked you if you are OK with providing it? In my experience of both parents, PIL's and some friends who went through it - rarely are they asked. There is just an asumption.

My parent would give out my mobile because tbh it was easier for her if anyone ever asked her for something that was confusing. I understand this. She needed support and more and more assistance but did she ever ask me - Nope!

And this is how it normally ends.. I had to get professional clearance in to my Father's and the place was stuffed to the rafters. Old TV's, newspapers, bank statements, and dont get me started on the bathrooms. The basement - well I was too scared to go down to. It had clearly had rats.

My Father was in no state to do anything. He had just left it far too late. My siblings gave all sorts of advice whilst living in other countries. In the end I took a week off from work to get the house ready for sale.

Living in this chaos as a lot of old people do is an accident waiting to happen and guess who gets called when the invetiable fall happens. Its truly truly selfish and the majority of elderly people become very self absorbed with what they want. They just cannot see how much of a burden it becomes

I think if you’re spending time and money on something you aren’t getting good use out of, then it’s a good idea to think about it.

It’s not just about getting something smaller but something mode suitable. My parents in law were in a small flat in an expensive area. It was Victorian and needed lots of upkeep, impossible to heat well, it wasn’t comfortable, the doorways were really narrow. When my MIL was widowed she wasn’t even using the local amenities/shops which had been their reason for moving there.
She should have moved somewhere more modern, easier to keep, but wouldn’t be persuaded that she could afford it.

I did it in my mid 60's, the family home was a large money pit. Lovely, 1920's, but if it wasn't a leaking flat roof it was windows needing replacing. Huge garden which had been one of the loves of my life.....

Moved to a modern 2 bed bungalow with no character.... and i love it. It's warm, redecoration was a breeze, nothing quirky to work around (just the previous owners awful taste in purple and gold flowery wallpaper😆).

Every bit of space is used, sofa bed for visitors in the second bedroom which I use as a study. Much smaller garden, but as I age I now appreciate that. I had to get rid of a LOT of stuff - but that has saved my DC the job after I'm gone. I've also lucked out and got MUCH nicer neighbours - in fact the whole area is much friendlier.... Life feels much lighter without the worry of the old house and what was going to go wrong next.

My late MIL was my role model in this - she went from huge family home > bungalow when FIL was in wheelchair >retirement flat after FIL died. Casting off "stuff" as she went. She was amazing - and LOVED the community she found in the retirement flat. She lived in a smallish town so pretty much knew everyone else who lived there anyway, they had a ball. Coach trips, film nights, supper clubs.....

I've been in a house that the conservatory could only be accessed from outside but it's not ideal but its certainly worth considering.

If you can make it work with windows and building regs.Or at least put a door on it to make the room warmer and more usable

My mum stayed in her home until her death at 98, but it needed adapting, and she had a lot of support. I plan to downsize when we get to 70, I want to move before we need to, to somewhere smaller but really nice and in a really good spot, close to everything we need. Its just a house Imo, four walls, everything that matters will come with us.

My parents are in the 80s and will not downsize. In some ways I think they should stay there. My dad is very lazy and has embraced old age since he was about 60. At least now he has to go up and down the stairs each day. Otherwise he would happily sit on the sofa and let my mum wait on him hand and foot. Being in a four bedroom house and moving around it is practically the only exercise he is willing to do.

Yep
my father in law put it off after his partner died in 2019 because of Covid and 2 years later he could no longer face it at 82- Although he did actually get round to it last year and his life and access to stuff has improved immeasurably - even the health care as he told me was ‘in a different league’ - and this was only village in Medway to Frome.

I think that’s the thing, time ( and often health situations) kind of speed up a bit beyond a certain age - and saying ‘oh we will do that in 3 years’ when you are 52 sounds ok but apply the same at 77 and you may no longer have the energy or desire to plan sensible stuff for being 85 - it all seems very depressing for many - I used to be somewhat intolerant of the amount of miserable grumpy older people out there but at 64 after a big health scare , a few losses of friends and a few unpredicted financial woes , I do get why some are as they are - although I’m actually a pretty young 64 and i would say quite a cheerful soul .

My mother will only leave the family home in a coffin. She’s very clear about that. The chances of my father outliving her are minimal, but if he did he would need to move in with us.

Ideally in your 60s when you retire. With my dad it was in his 80s during Covid and was chaotic and nothing could be sold. Once there are just 2 of you in a large house it makes sense to move and declutter

I think it can help to move before you need to so you can spend time getting to know neighbours, the area and what's available to help locally, before you actually need them. If you leave it too long, you can end up having to rely on others to make decisions for you. Up to the individuals though obviously.

Yeh we rent nice big houses but have turned down several that have big added conservatory’s open to the lounge or kitchen and with no heating at all in the conservatory - they are just a total draught drawerer in fir lots of the year unless separate and properly heated -

In my experience, after a certain age they won’t. If they don’t do it before 75-80 then they won’t ever.

The conservatory only adjoins the bedroom and what was the bedroom so access would always have to be via a bedroom. It'll pose an interesting one if she does ever sell it.

My parents don’t intend to downsize at all. Sometimes my mum talks of it but honestly unless my brother moves (he won’t) with his family then that’s the only way they’d move.

My nana only downsized as she had 2 houses side by side and a business there, she then divorced her husband and sold both houses and bought a flat and then a retirement flat. I think had she not needed to divorce and close her business (she was 70) she would’ve stayed there.