When should elderly parents downsize?

I’m early 60s and am sick of the upkeep of a large house .
mind you mine all make a mess , I have a dog and it’s only me that does it .
i think if I can employ decent help / can afford to employ decent help then I will stay put

My parents supposedly downsized although their new house isn’t much smaller. The main problem is that they went from a house that was completely future proofed. And suitable as they got older. To one that’s not at all suitable as they age!

And that’s why we have a shed full of bikes, bike frames, bike spares …

It’s now a strict one in one out system.

My DH can be a nightmare for buying new gear as other stuff gets past its best, but keeps other stuff as 'spares' we now accept no more than 1 spare anything.

I don’t think anyone is upset about the idea of taking on loved and lovely items (or valuable antiques) just when a four bed house is stuffed full of things that have been kept because they were always there - when we cleared my Parents house, we had to clear a room full of rotting hiking equipment from the 1970s. DF had bought plenty of new stuff over the years but never cleared out the old. The spare room was stacked to the ceiling with random things he had brought from his own parents house which he cleared in the 90s. None of it had ever even been moved out of the boxes they were put in then.

I think it’s often not necessarily downsizing, but moving to a more suitable house that’s required. After my dad died, DM made noises about my sister buying a property with an annexe for her, and then a bungalow nearer to my sister, but she was never really serious - just wanted us to run around after her (which we inevitably did).

DH and I have already moved to a future proofed house - top floor can be bedroom / bathroom / sitting room for a live in carer, and it’s designed so that you can put a lift in to the middle floor becroom. Garden is very manageable and shops / GP / hospital all within walking distance.

This is the situation that frustrates me.

Does your DH realise the situation he may leave you in if he passes away? You would love to downsize and now, whilst physically and mentally very capable of dealing with it you are being restricted from doing so.

Your DH may be comfortable with struggling away in a house he might not be able to cope with but you sound like you are not comfortable with it.

Its a huge concern for me if my partner to pass away in our older years and me to be left with a house i cant manage and family too far away to help.

I’m in my 50s and trying to get rid of stuff. I remember DH finding a box of cards at MILs house and asked her about them. She just said one day she felt bad throwing them out so started keeping them. It’s quite easy to start accumulating things like that.

Having to cope with clearing out ‘stuff’ from a parent’s house isn’t all bad.
My mum died suddenly after a fall. She had left everything to me as she knew my two brothers would not want anything so DH and I were i.c. clearing out the house.
There was a lot to deal with but lots of lovely things. I now have very posh cutlery, a beautiful antique dinner service, a couple of pretty teasets and heaps of other bits and pieces including a raffia mat I made in infants’ school as a Christmas present for her. Also some lovely furniture. After her death we moved from a four bed house to a considerably larger 5 bed one, everything fitted somewhere if only in the cellar.
We have said to our DSs that just as I had to deal with mum’s possessions they will need to do the same with ours. They don’t seem too bothered and ask about the history of a lot of items and what should certainly be kept. We will neither be clearing out everything nor downsizing.

Depends how much spare money they have. We are in our early 70s and are reluctantly considering downsizing from our largeish 4 bed home with big garden,, because we do all the housework/shopping/cooking/gardening/decorating and a fair amount of maintenance jobs ourselves. Paying to have all this done by others would take a huge proportion of our income. If we win the lottery, we're staying here, but with a cleaner/gardener/decorator and builders when needed, and a lot more meals out.

The biggest issue and reading on here of some experiences is if people have loads of stuff. My MIL lives in a 3 bed house but the issue is she has the belongings of a 6 bed house crammed in to it which includes a totally full loft, garage and 2 sheds. The garage and sheds are floor to ceiling and you can't step foot in, DH has tried to persuade her to get rid of some stuff but she is a genuine hoarder. I would think sorting out her house will be at least 3 months FT and that is no exaggeration.

So while people can be concerned about heating, bills, upkeep and downstairs bathrooms. Really keeping a huge amount of stuff means we will need to sort it all out and that does annoy me. She has a lot of paperwork it’s not ordered at all and will need looking through.

Before they need to. Having seen my parents and multiple friends’ parents make their last years v difficult by staying way too long in the family home we have a plan to move to a suitable retirement property at 70 whether we feel we need to or not.

Only one answer to that - Pants!

There's never a "right" time as no one knows how long they'll retain their mental and physical capacities.

Trouble is that tends to change very quickly rather than a slow/gradual deterioration for most people.

Once mental or physical deterioration sets in, it gets harder and harder to move, hence why so many people end up "trapped" in unsuitable homes that literally deteriorate around them.

If you're battling with dementia or cancer or some other serious health issue, you've simply not got the headspace to declutter, view other homes, deal with estate agents/solicitors, arrange removal men, arrange tradesmen to update/modernise/change the new home etc.

My parents hit the timing absolutely perfectly. They downsized to a small bungalow the same year that FIL retired, so he had plenty of free time to organise new kitchen and bathroom, redecorate throughout, sort out the garden, replace the garage, etc etc. A couple of years later he was hit by ill health, spent 5 years in and out of hospital and then died. After 5 years of hell, MIL was devastated but at least had a lovely home to live in that didn't need anything doing to it and was "future proof" for her with walk in shower etc. She lived another 15 years! She'd have really struggled if they'd not moved as his illness, NHS screw ups, etc and five years of hell left her devastated and incapable of doing anything to the house or moving etc.

Whenever they want! I suppose if they’re physically unable to get upstairs, it might be time, but I know some people simply have a bed downstairs.

My mum finally decided to downsize some time after my dad died. I never asked/suggested it, it had been the family home for 40 years. I’d have had adaptations made and I got her a cleaner anyway once she moved. I think she looked at the 100ft garden that my dad always maintained and realised it was a big family house and decided. She’d always fancied a certain mini estate and my db happened to notice a place for sale and made enquiries. Getting rid of a lot of stuff took forever.

My mother has a perverse love of the countryside, there is nothing nearby.

For the cost of a night or two in the nearest Travel Lodge or somewhere you could all still do family weekends or whatever.

They probably save a fortune having a small place to look after both in maintenance, heating and council tax.

It's up to them. My DM lives in a big house and would probably be better off with a smaller one or a flat. However she likes where she lives, the neighbours, doesn't want to move. While we DC may think it would be more manageable for her to move she is happy where she is. Aids like starlings, hand rails, go a long way in being able to manage. Xx

I am 70 and would love to downsize but DH (nearly 80) won't so here we are.

I see what you're saying and I cared for bothe if my parents for years. The way I looked at it, I was giving them what they gave me. Towards the end though I was bear burnout and I knew my DDad would hate to think he was being prioritised above all of us to the point where one of us might have become sick. I would never judge a child who says they can't do this.
However.. wherever they might live, I can't see myself hopping on a plane to a holiday jf they've had a crisis.. surely most feel the same. That's no one's fault..they could be in the perfect customise apartment or care home and that could happen. So I don't quite get the referral to that scenario. Unfortunately that's one of those things.

My Mum and Dad are in their late 60's, still living in the same 3 bed house they have had for nearly 40 years and as far as I know, have no plans to downsize in the foreseeable future as they are managing and live in a quiet area. I reckon they will stay until they get to a point they can no longer manage or one of them dies or goes into a care home (this was the case with both sets of Grandparents).

Cinq - I am sorry to call you out but I knew from your comments that your parents haventt yet called on you.

That isn’t actually true. Unfortunately, I do expect it to happen more frequently in the near future.

Ideally as soon as possible. I saw my DGM struggle with a huge house and garden. In the end she lived downstairs.

I moved into a bungalow a couple of years ago partly because I love them and partly to future proof myself. I noticed that even in my 50s (and I moved 3 times in 4 years) moving was much harder this last time and I'm renovating it which again feels harder than when I was younger. I think the garden is too big but I can outsource the work.

I'm hoping that once it's finished it will be easy to clean and maintain and then free up time to do other things.

Mine are in their nineties and still in my childhood home. They don't have any huge sentimental attachment to the house, or even the area particularly, and both now admit that downsizing ten years ago when they had significantly more energy would have been a good idea. They won't do it now, and I won't make them as I think the upheaval would finish at least one of them off.

They are fortunate in that they are still managing stubbornly without any outside help, bar a gardener and they have a stair lift. They also have wonderful neighbours who look out for them. But they are rural and, although my dad is still driving, once he has to stop they will be rather stranded and life will get trickier. I know my mum will want to move closer to me if she is widowed but we will cross that bridge when we come to it, and it will be into a care home due to her dementia.

The real problem is uncertainty of how much longer either of them have, and I would imagine a lot of people also feel that by their eighties. Is it worthwhile starting over in a new place/home if I've only got a few more years?

Ultimately, if my partner and I are both still here and in good health by our early seventies we will have a big clear out and downsize at that point I think.

I think your parents are adults who can make that decision for themselves. There's no one-size-fits-all solution to this. Some people manage perfectly well in a large home until the day they die. Some feel it's too much for them when they're much younger than your parents.

My MIL, in her 80s, kept talking about downsizing, then moved from one 3-bed house to another 3-bed house... which needed a complete renovation. Seemed like absolute madness to us, but of course it was entirely up to her and she has every right to make that decision. She manages OK - although I still think it was an odd choice, there's a part of me that wonders whether keeping on top of things keeps her a bit more busy and active than she might have been if she'd bought a little retirement flat or something.

My mum's still in a four-bed house with a huge garden and she sometimes talks about downsizing 'one day' but I really can't see her ever doing it and my guess is that she will either be in the house until she dies, or will go straight from the house into a care home. She is increasingly forgetful so I worry about her short term memory, but physically she appears to be strong as an ox.