When should elderly parents downsize?

I'm 63, DH is 72.

We sold our 4 bed family home about 4 years ago, mainly because it was too big for us & had a lovely big garden that was becoming too much for us to manage.

We learned from my parents who moved from a 6 bed thatched cottage in the country with a huge garden & about 5 acres of paddocks into a 4 bed house in the city. My father badly didn't want to move, but they lived 'in the sticks' my father had Parkinsons & dementia & my mother had a stroke which meant she could no longer drive. Daddy made the move very difficult unpacking boxes that had been packed, arguing over every choice of house to move into. But they had no choice as living where they were was no longer tenable.

When my mother died we spent several weeks clearing my parent's house of 60 years of accumulated 'stuff' that they'd moved from their old house. Frankly it was a mess. They hadn't redecorated in the 12 years that they'd lived there, & after my father died, my mother wasn't motivated to clean. She would tell me off if I cleaned for her accusing me of passively aggressively criticising her for having a dirty messy house - which it was. But all I could do was remove the out of date stuff from the fridge & give the kitchen & bathrooms a once over when I was using them as it was her house &, she was right, I had no right to clean it.

DH & me decided that we didn't want our children to have the same job of clearing out a mess & down-sized.

So when we moved into our 2 bed bungalow we filled 2 skips with rubbish from garden sheds & the rooms & made more trips to the recycling centre & charity shops than I can count.

However, we're having a new kitchen fitted into our bungalow & have identified loads more stuff that we no longer need. I'm talking the family sized Le Creuset casserole, veg dishes, milk jugs, sugar pots etc etc. All going to charity. We've also sold a lot of my collection of Art Deco items & pictures inherited from my parents at auction & on-line websites.

You can't force your parents to do it - it has to come from them.

My parents are about to turn 80 this year and moved last summer. They lived too far from myself and my siblings and a minimum 4 hour drive each way was too much if anything happened to them.

They were /are in excellent health but it was a very stressful few months as when their house sale finally went through, the whole process happened very quickly and in hindsight probably too quickly. They left behind their friends/ social circle and fantastic neighbours of 40+ years and that has been the biggest adjustment.

4 months down the line they are getting settled but I have left them to find friends which they have done and not rely too much on me as I work full time and to be frank I am knackered!

My mum has said if they hadnt have moved when they did they would not have done it - it was a very stressful time for both of them.

We catch up once a week for supper which has replaced the weekly telephone call.

Did they want to move? Not really. Did they think they ought to move? Yes they did as they were just too far away and it has worked out well. I think a key thing is although they are now in a bungalow they have kept a 3 bedroomed property so they still have space- neither wanted to downsize to a smaller poky place but they've also tackled a bit of the Swedish death clearing so very little for us to clear when the time eventually comes!

In my, admittedly jaundiced experience, before they get to old. To old to do anything about it other than go on and on about how unsuitable their house is and spend huge amounts of time telling their long suffering children how much help they need to live in their completely unsuitable home. Like I said, I'm cynical. I'm also 60 and looking for a bungalow for me.

I think people normally leave it too late. People saying that they should leave it until they are ready probably haven’t been through the experience of helping parents who have left it too late. I had to deal with this with both my parents and my in-laws and it has been really upsetting and unsettling for them. By contrast, another relative moved in their 70s, managed it all and thrived in their new home.

so I’d say moving whilst u don’t feel vulnerable and elderly is a good idea

I think the potential advantages to downsizing are often outweighed by the disadvantages of moving to unfamiliar surroundings. It can be extremely hard for someone in their 70s, let alone 80s, to adapt. Falls and trips are common when people move because our movement patterns around the home become very intuitive, and that's before considering the social changes - new shops, neighbours etc.

Legend

This is essentially what my Dad does my mum died a year ago and they have a large 4 double bedroom semi with a bathroom upstairs and a shower room and toilet downstairs, aa my mum became increasingly disabled they converted their dining room into a downstairs bedroom and live/d on the ground floor.

De-cluttering and death cleaning is probably more important.
Do they have a gardener and cleaner lined up for illness or when it becomes too much?
Can they live downstairs on one floor (spare room, shower room) if unable to use the stairs?
Are they near a bus route, walk to supermarket and GP?

I'll be downsizing early 60s. My eighty odd year old parents have never planned ahead and we lurch from emergency to emergency. I'm so determined not to be like them.

My MIL never downsized. She engaged the services of a gardener and a cleaner, when things got too much for her. We did suggest she downsized but she wouldn’t hear of it.

It’s completely up to your parents op.

😅 Loving great uncle Geoff!!!

My mum and my in laws are both still in huge houses. Neither have any intention of down sizing. They have gardeners to look after the garden but still looking after the houses themselves, my in laws in particular can’t face the hassle and I can’t say I blame them.

Obviously the answer to the question as you have phrased it is “when they want to”.

Bus answering the underlying question (which might be phrased as “when might they benefit from moving”), from experience I’d say by age 80. Our older relatives have all been very fit into early 80s but then found things to be much more difficult by leaps and bounds rather than by linear progression. A bad bout of flu never fully recovered, a minor accident causing permanent discomfort etc.

You need to downsize before you actually need to downsize. If my parents are anything to go by, it will simply become in the too hard basket, and they will stay where they are.

My parents decided they couldn’t be arsed with the hassle of moving and will just get a gardner and a cleaner when they can’t manage any more.

Great Uncle Geoff on the other hand, decided to move house at the age of 87, because he “fancied somewhere with a bigger garden”

Ideally before they need to but most won’t as it’s admitting defeat and aging

This! You need to do it in your 60s/70s. In your 80s for the majority it’s too late.

Based on my parents example, before they reach their 80s. Mine were doing fine right up to when they weren't then moving was very traumatic, esp for my dad who (as it turned out) was developing dementia.

My in-laws meanwhile moved to a large bungalow with a huge garden in their 70sand again are struggling with its upkeep in their 90s. Its not lack of money, it's lack of energy. They'd like to move somewhere smaller but they just cant face the upheaval.

When their backs start creaking.

I’d say sooner rather than later. It’s better for them to do it when they’re fit enough to sort most of it themselves rather than wait for one of them to suddenly break a hip or get ill, and the whole thing becomes a much bigger/more stressful job for everyone.

Depends on a few different factors

Late 60s/70s (or earlier) good if moving into a smaller property / different area eg to be near family. Have more time and energy to build a new life

could move later but might end up moving straight to assisted living.

do they live near family?

If they’re going to do it then I’d say sooner rather than later.
If they do it now they can be in control of what and where and the timing.
If they wait until there is some sort of crisis then they may find it all much more stressful than it needs to be.

About 5 years before they need to. Sorry, not helpful. My parents are nearly at the point of no return where house and yard are far too big for them to manage a move themselves, but they also won’t accept help.

When they feel like it I guess?
My parents sold the family home and bought a 3 bed bungalow once my younger brother had settled down. They've totally knocked it about over the past few years and made it 2 bed with a ensuite, dressing room and a home office/library.
Sadly it came with mum getting a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, but 2 years in she's still doing well, and completely bored because she had to medically retire.

PiL are still in the family home and are making adaptations ready for when theyre older.

All parents are mid 50s- early 60s.

I downsized aged 46 when my DC left home. My 94yr old neighbour has moved to her ground floor, leaving two floors unused. My parents, in their 80s, are still in their silly sized house although DF has been known to be caught browsing bungalows on Rightmove.

Ideally before they need to but most won’t as it’s admitting defeat and aging.

However if their downstairs is set in away where you could just live downstairs and hire a Gardener then they will be fine forever.