When should elderly parents downsize?

Coincidentally, we've just come back from a trip to visit friends in Surrey who downsized last year from five-beds and a sprawling garden to a very sensible (actually near-perfect) three bed about five miles away from their original house. So, their friendship circle is intact, and logistically it's still very convenient for afternoons or evenings in London by public transport. They both still drive, and it's freed up some cash so they can continue to afford glorious holidays, once the hip replacement is bedded in!

DH has seen a new build that he likes, and is quite keen to have it built if we can find a suitable plot. It's almost the identical lay out to our friends, which is plenty big enough to entertain and have overnight visitors, but DH wants a slightly larger garden and a garage too!

@Crikeyalmighty we have looked at both Bath and Cheltenham, but we're thinking of going a little further northwest. Mainly because we like the landscape better, and it holds more work-opportunity for DS.

The biggest motivation to downsize, declutter myself was having to do it for my mum when she passed. Also watching friends sort out their own parents ‘stuff’. I’m determined my children will have little to do.

Whilst our house (and the garden) is really too big for us now, the location is actually very suitable for later life as it is very close to all amenities and good public transport links. We also have a downstairs bathroom off of a living room which could adapt to an ensuite bedroom if required (was used by my disabled mum many years ago). So my DH is not being completely unreasonable wanting to stay here just that I would prefer something smaller and more manageable and not having to worry about having to do all the decluttering and downsizing later on when I will be older myself, but he is as unmoveable as the rock of Gibraltar so it is what it is.

OP hasn't been back (shame).
My elderly parents don't want to acknowledge their situation, my dad has become disabled and it will get worse. I try to talk to them about what could happen in their home to keep it suitable for him but... they don't want that conversation. It acknowledges too much the situation they hate being in.

this thread is making me itch to move to a much smaller property, lol

I think women in general are more aware of the burden of caring for elderly relatives - because it invariably falls to the female children.

I just got an email from my aunt in New Zealand. She is very sensibly downsizing from her large house ( was widowed about 10 years ago) into a very sensible apartment in a retirement community close to town. Another aunt also moved to one - again widowed.
One thing both these ladies have in common is that they haven’t got their own adult DCs although both are step mothers.

I wonder if consciously or unconsciously having DCs makes people think they need to do less forward planning as they will be looked after when the day comes. Or another common denominator is they are both ladies and women in general seem to be more sensible about the need to plan for the future and not become an inadvertent burden on your adult DC.

Before they have to (before a fall makes stairs difficult, before eyesight stops them driving and the shops are too far away, before one of them dies or goes into care leaving the other with an unmanageable house)

They might not want to downsize, but they should certainly think about how their house could be adapted. It's traumatic to have to think about stairs and bathrooms if suddenly incapacitated, and they will be able to live fuller lives longer if they can ensure that e.g. the garden is accessible.

Whenever they want to and feel it's the right choice. DH's parents downsized early. They sold the family house and bought/renovated a bungalow in their early 60's. Their rationale was they'd rather move while they've got the energy to do a house up. It's lovely, they extended the living space so it's got a big living room and open plan kitchen diner but only 2 bedrooms. It works for them (though his brother promptly got divorced and moved into the spare room which means we have to pay for hotels when we visit and they can't have the kids to stay which they would love to do). My mum is still in her big house at 70, she's happy, and will likely stay as long as she possibly can.

Oh sorry, you said when NOT travelling. We live in my son’s house (he is single) near London. His dad has been doing the renovation. Fortunately we get on very well. My son is hoping to retire in the next few years. He will then always have a high value house to downsize from himself. He’s very finance savvy though.

A nice campervan we bought on downsizing.

What do you do if not travelling at moment ? Airbnb?

They shouldn't unless they want to.

We are in our mid 70’s and sold the big house a couple of years ago. The time just felt right. We spend 6 - 8months of the year travelling (camper) and the house was getting neglected even though we had someone to check over it and do some gardening.
Ultimately we wanted to relieve ourselves of the responsibility of owning and maintaining a house and release cash to give our adult children to help them along. Following a huge declutter we moved what we wanted to keep to our son’s house 250 miles away. His is now our primary address. He’s handy for Eurotunnel and ferries 😂. We are currently helping him to renovate his 4 bed house including turning the integral garage into an en suite bedroom for us. Nearly there. Who knows what the future holds but I think we are as prepared as we can be without passing on the job of declutterring to our children. Or them having to wait for inheritance. I like the piece of mind this gives me.

I don’t think caring for material possessions has much to do with it.

Sentimentality, familiarity and the hassle involved in moving is more likely to be the reason for reluctance to downsize. If they can afford to adapt their existing home to work and employ help to do the jobs they can’t, as in the case of my PIL, why should they move to a smaller house when they get old?

Wonder if she’s coming to Bath area- ? Or possibly Cheltenham ? We kind of have most of that

And this is exactly the way to handle it, well done. Just make sure you have the possibility of installing a lift/stairlift/downstairs bedroom and bathroom if you should need it.

I understand his rationale… if he’s not got the energy to go out and about, and on the basis he can afford a gardener for the heavy stuff, at least he can enjoy his garden

Imo, as soon as they can.
That's my plan for myself anyway but I care very little for material possessions.

My experience and plans too. We plan to retire between 65-67 and plan to downsize to either a bungalow or retirement flat shortly after. That means we'll probably be young/fit/active enough to cope with de-cluttering, downsizing, dealing with estate agents, solicitors, removals and doing what's necessary to make the new home "ours" in terms of new bathroom & kitchen, new furniture, etc. Then we'll be "old age" ready as far as possible. Hopefully, by downsizing, we'll release some funds to use on a new car, nice holidays, etc whilst we're young and fit and healthy enough to enjoy them. It'll also be a weight off our minds if we know the "home" is decluttered and minimised for our son to sort out after our demise without too much time, stress and hassle.

We're almost 70, so if we had middle-aged daughters they would presumably be worrying about us, and we're in decent fettle. But we have one son of 26. We've already done POAs, and when he finishes his current training, he'll relocate to an area we all like. We've given him a home deposit, to give it time to drop out of our estate's value, and once we've sorted out some small medical issues we're ready to put the house on the market and get rid of our parents' gash hand-me-downs, keeping the bits we like. We shall buy a house we like, which will be a bit smaller, but less rural so DH and DS can have a day out easily at county/test cricket or go to a Premiership rugby game closer to home. There will be theatres, cinemas and a decent U3A closer, plus a nice pub and one that does great food. But I still want an expansive kitchen, dining, living space although bedrooms can be cosy. I think that stairs are healthy exercise in old age. But probably only one flight!

@twilightcafe My DM used to say ‘I pity the poor person who has to sort this house out after I’m gone’ with a little head tilt and tinkly laugh. She knew damn well it would be down to me and my sister.

@PropertyD We were lucky that a local charity did house clearance - we let them take everything they wanted and they made about £2k. We binned so many photo albums (just picked out a few each) and obsolete paperwork, and I sold all the jewellery bar one piece. I did keep my dad’s school reports from the 1930s though - his old school has said they’d like them so they’ll get a new home.

DM is in the same boat. She is a hoarder who cannot be parted from all the junk in her house. Cupboards crammed with stuff. When you ask what's in a particular cupboard ... crickets. Just the same lament ... 'It'll come in handy one day..' That day has never come.

This is exactly what happens in most elderly people's houses. They keep things (and not because they were war babies!) and then it gets worse and worse.

They then mentally close down and often just keep the doors closed in the rooms often piled high with 'stuff'. They could be valuable so keep them just in case.

Then when one partner passes it becomes overwhelming and often dangerous but the remaining partner just stays on, things get worse and worse and then the adult children find themselves having to spend weeks/months sorting through it all. I didnt in the end. I took the decision that I could be throwing out something valuable. I could live with that. Otherwise a fingertip search would have taken months and months! Papers I wasnt so worried about. Someone would find me if it was that important and if they didnt find me then I would never know.

When they want to. 😊