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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so guilty and responsible?

33 replies

dontknowhim · 03/02/2026 17:22

In a previous relationship I was a stepmother to a little girl (while she ages 1-6)

Although her dad didn’t treat me great and was a lot older he was an incredibly father to her. He had her most of the time and she only really saw her mom every couple of weeks which was always full of upset and neglect.

When we split up he tried to get me to stay in contact for her but I eventually moved away and stopped replying to his messages, not because of her and I know this upset her at the time.

I heard her father died a couple of years later and felt very sad and worried for her being left with her mother, I heard rumours from previous mutual friends about how terrible she was and that she was annoyed about having to step up. I really wanted to reach out but I was pregnant with my first child, assumed her mother wouldn’t be happy if i did and so never did.
I have thought about and worried about her often over the years, am now married with 3 young dc of my own.

I saw someone at the weekend who told me that she has been in hospital for several months, anorexia, self harm and several suicide attempts. Mum has new boyfriend, new kids and had previously kicked her out. I’m completely devastated for her.

I feel so guilty and that if maybe I had remained in contact or reached out that I could have been some support and things could be different for her. I knew she didn’t have any other real family or support around her. I think it is now my responsibility to try and reach out and try and help her.

DH has obviously said I can if that’s what I want but that it’s not my responsibility and is very likely she won’t want to hear from me or even remember me or be anything I can do.

AIBU to feel so responsible? What can I do? Can I phone the hospital she is in?

OP posts:
99pwithaflake · 03/02/2026 17:41

I really don't think it would be appropriate to get in touch with her.

Your time to stay in touch was years ago. Not now.

Original poster
dontknowhim · 03/02/2026 17:39

dairydebris · 03/02/2026 17:34

You were a mother figure to her from 1 -6 then ducked out, despite knowing she was upset about this?

Fair enough, your life, not your blood, your choice. But if you get back in touch be prepared for a long, emotional haul, she is understandably a very troubled soul, and in my opinion it would be wrong to insert yourself again only to withdraw when it gets difficult.

I was young, I tried remaining in contact for her but it was difficult being in contact with her father. I had to move away to work, I trusted that she was very safe and happy in his care though.

If she wanted contact now I absolutely would not withdraw if it got difficult.

OP posts:
TheInkIsBlackThePageIsWhite · 03/02/2026 17:37

dontknowhim · 03/02/2026 17:35

It wasn’t an abusive relationship, he just wasn't faithful and twice my age. I remained in some contact until she was 8.

I know that probably doesn’t change anything but like you said I don’t know? What if she has thought of me since or wished she had someone who would make contact and care about her?

Show quote history

If she wanted to find you, she would.

You're feeling guilty, but that's you're feelings to manage.

She's going through enough right now.

Original poster
dontknowhim · 03/02/2026 17:35

TheInkIsBlackThePageIsWhite · 03/02/2026 17:28

Realistically op, someone who had been in an abusive relationship with this girls dad and disappeared when she was 6 wouldn't have been a welcome addition in her life.

You don't know her, what her needs are, she may not remember you, she may see that your life is great and you have the family she wanted and resent you, her parents could have said anything about you, you just don't know.

Trying to insert yourself into her life at this point, with everything going on with her mental health, is entirely about you and not about what's best for her.

It wasn’t an abusive relationship, he just wasn't faithful and twice my age. I remained in some contact until she was 8.

I know that probably doesn’t change anything but like you said I don’t know? What if she has thought of me since or wished she had someone who would make contact and care about her?

OP posts:
dairydebris · 03/02/2026 17:34

You were a mother figure to her from 1 -6 then ducked out, despite knowing she was upset about this?

Fair enough, your life, not your blood, your choice. But if you get back in touch be prepared for a long, emotional haul, she is understandably a very troubled soul, and in my opinion it would be wrong to insert yourself again only to withdraw when it gets difficult.

airportfloor · 03/02/2026 17:29

I think it's really nice that you care but she needs really consistent adults who can prioritise her needs.

Dealing with young people in trouble is enormously time consuming and emotionally difficult. You've got three young DC - you really don't have the capacity to be that person.

It's a real shame she's struggling but very much not your responsibility.

TheInkIsBlackThePageIsWhite · 03/02/2026 17:28

Realistically op, someone who had been in an abusive relationship with this girls dad and disappeared when she was 6 wouldn't have been a welcome addition in her life.

You don't know her, what her needs are, she may not remember you, she may see that your life is great and you have the family she wanted and resent you, her parents could have said anything about you, you just don't know.

Trying to insert yourself into her life at this point, with everything going on with her mental health, is entirely about you and not about what's best for her.

PersephonePomegranate · 03/02/2026 17:27

Aw, OP, that sounds really difficult and it's testament to you as a person to feel so bad about this.

I dont believe there's anything you could have done to have taken away her trauma, though. The people she needed were her parents and unfortunately her dad died and her mum was abusive and negligent. No-one can undo that, please don't blame yourself.