To feel so guilty and responsible?

I do not think you should feel guilty. You were young and needing to escape from a failing relationship. You would have had to get involved with her hostile mother when you were needing to move on with your life.

Your instinct to try and help this young woman is laudable and could possibly be helpful to her. But it is very important indeed that you think this through properly.

In her eyes you have let her down once at a time when she was vulnerable. If you are going to get involved, the most important thing is that you are prepared for the long haul ... making the decision to get involved entails not "letting her down" again.

This is a young woman who is emotionally damaged, insecure and very needy. She will make demands of you and it is vital that you are able to be there for her if you once decide to get involved. Better not to offer than to do so and not be able to meet the likely demands.

I think you are going to have to be as objective as possible here. I know it is hard.

You have two choices here:
... leave things be
... offer to help in the full knowledge that it might involve a big commitment

I admire your feeling that you wish to in some way make amends for what happened earlier in your life but please only do so with your eyes wide open.

I would think very carefully about what you are inviting into your life and your children's lives OP. I've worked with young people with emotional and behavioural disorders and it can be extremely demanding and draining. Many young people in this situation struggle with boundaries and can often put excessive demands on your time, attention and emotional resources. It sounds like this young woman needs a lot of support and professional help, a lot more than you can offer her. You have no need to feel guilty - you are and were not her parent and even if you had stayed in touch, the outcome of losing her dad and her neglectful mother would likely have been the same.

I no you think you are being kind, but reaching out absolutely is to absolve your own guilt. She doesn’t need the added complication and instability of an adult who was connected to her dad but left her behind, getting in contact now.

You don’t need to feel guilty, she isn’t yours, but you should leave her alone in my opinion.

I've always wanted to go to Fiji, but I haven't - if you haven't done something then you haven't done it. And choosing to do it now at the worst time is really incomprehensible to me when you could cause more damage - I am not the only person who has told you this on this thread.

And definitely don't do as another poster suggested and contact the ward - they won't give you any information and they won't pass on your number - you'd being incredibly cheeky to consider taking up clinical staff time with this. They are busy delivering essential care, not dealing with enquries from a very old acquaintance.

Also getting third hand information that probably isn't even accurate though a past friend just sounds so murky - you don't know the true information because you are not in her life. Now is not the time to be part of it. As I said before, if you wanted to maintain that relationship you would have. The people who deserve to know the details of her situation are those in her life now. Again, not being brutal but I am a bit concerned you can't see all of this for yourself.

It's a very unfortunate situation but it really isn't your responsibility.

Her dad died and her mum has letter her down badly. It's no wonder that she has a lot of struggles. She may not remember you and evemn if she does, you may be another source of her anger and frustration.

As a mum of 3, your duty now is to them and not to add a further complication into their life, which your pursuit may turn out to be.

It may actually be kinder to do nothing. With a history of loss and abandonment, if you had to step away again for any reason (i.e. prioritising your children), it may even make a bad situation worse.

But what option does she have with you? A coffee every now and again? A sounding board? Support when she’s in crisis? Move in with you and your family?

Your life has moved on, I can’t imagine you can offer the level of support she might need post hospitalisation, you may never have crossed her mind over the years or she may blame you for how life has turned out. You don’t know how she views you and it may not be positively.

i imagine you feel sad for the child that she was, but you may do more harm than good.

Yes, she is old enough to decide who she does and doesn't want in her life, so make contact in a way that doesn't force her to respond, and give her the option.

It's irrelevant what your motivations are - this woman needs all the help she can get from the sounds of it!

Good luck. X

Not your fault any of this happened.
You don't know what triggered it-could be anything.
You could ring the ward and tell them the situation.
They won't be able to discuss what's going on with her obviously but you could ask advice as to whether they think it would be advisable or not for you to be in touch with her. If yes, you could leave your number to give her the option or for the ward to contact you with her permission if she's allowed and would like visitors.
How old is she OP?

OP you sound like a very kind lady. That being said you have nothing to feel guilty and you do not have responsibility in how this young ladys life has turned out, the one who should be bearing any of the guilt is her mother. Personally I would leave things alone, let this young lady recover and maybe in the future if you really want to be part of her life, reach out when she's been stable a while and has the headspace to deal with it.

How old is she roughly? If still a teenager then you might be of some help if you contact her. But if she’s a fully fledged adult then I think it’s too little, too late. The damage is done. But the guilt belongs to her parents, not you. I think if she’s an adult you could end up opening a world of pain for you and your own children, but the same goes if she’s a teenager really. She sounds very troubled and you have children of your own to worry about.

It's definitely not your fault she is mentally unwell.

You are doing it for your own reasons though.

If you hadn't heard this news about her you wouldn't be bothered about contacting her.

You want to jump in and 'fix' her, with absolutely no regard for her whatsoever.

If she is sectioned she is very, very mentally unwell. You popping up now could very much impact on her emotionally in a negative way. Why would you create more turmoil in the life of a young woman who has already experienced so much turmoil that she is now being detained without her consent? You might know know a lot about mental health, so I am not blaming you here, but if you don't then maybe that's why you can't see that you interjecting now could bring up all sorts of stuff from the past and not be the helpful gesture that you think it might be.

Also, I have to be honest, would you be even thinking of getting back in touch if she wasn't in such distress? Because that's honestly White Knight syndrome at its finest - riding in to fix the day (assuage some guilt?) and seeking validation at best and admiration at worst. You might be coming from the best possible place, but in all honesty the ship has sailed and the worst possible time to try and instigate contact is during a mental health crisis.

You're thinking more of you and not her - you might get really cross reading that and think that I am wrong - but if you were thinking of her, you would let the professionals take care of her and not insert yourself into her current crisis. Also, you're assuming she wants to hear from you - has she tried to contact you in the intervening years? If not then you have your answer. Sorry if my reply is a bit tough love, but my own sister has been sectioned three times and lives with very complex mental health problems and I have seen one too many people with good intentions come and go and leave more chaos in their wake - again doubtless not your intention, but unless you're experienced in dealing with people in crisis then it's easy to make things ten times worse though naivety.

Her dad died and her mum was neglectful and abandoned her. You couldn't have fixed the damage that caused. You are not responsible and have nothing to feel guilty about.

You would need to think very carefully about what your offer was before you did this. This is a highly vulnerable young woman who could have very high needs for support. How much time, headspace and emotional energy do you have to offer her? The odd visit, messages, a meaningful friendship, a maternal role? What if she wants more? Can you manage that without hurting her further or compromising your family?
You want to reach out to resolve your (unnecessary and misplaced) guilt, but you could end up creating a worse situation for her and your family.
You were presumably kind to the child when you were in her life, and the way things turned out after that is not your fault or responsibility.

The poor girl, please do reach out, even if she's not interested it will be comforting to know you care.

It's been a sad case of circumstances and no, you aren't responsible, her Mum is and it's horrible she's such a terrible one.

Tragic about her Dad; has clearly been brought up with love and affection from him, though him passing will have had a profound impact.

Please don't insert yourself into this vulnerable young woman's life to appease your own sense of guilt.

If she’s sectioned she is seriously unwell and doesn’t need the complication of a long lost parental figure in her life. What would you be hoping to achieve by contacting her?

Please don't contact her. You're doing it because you feel guilty, not because it's actually the right thing to do.

With respect you don’t know how difficult it could get. What if she wanted to live with you, or behaved in a way that hurt your DC?

I think if you left her life some years ago, it’s too late now. She needs reliable people who love her and care for her, you’d be going back into her life from a place of guilt. It’s one of the many reasons I think it’s not good to introduce step parent figures into a child’s life - the impact when the relationship breaks down and kids lose yet another attachment figure is too great. It’s done now and I suspect there are many factors that have undermined her wellbeing, you’re part of the picture but not the whole picture.

Unless she has reason to contact you I’d let things lie.