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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that my mother is not who I thought she was

105 replies

Purplenote · 03/02/2026 15:58

I thought I always had a good relationship with my parents, i don't remember a great deal of my childhood but what I remember is happy memories and even as an adult I thought we were a close family. When dad got sick my mum became the main carer and my 2 brothers and I took turns to help out and we were all there when he passed 5 years ago.
Since my dad died I think I've become to realise that perhaps I always viewed my parents as one person because they were always together and now I'm seeing who my mother is for the first time. I thought she was a loving mother and grandmother but i didnt know She is also really impulsive, makes big financial decisions on a whim (and she doesnt really have much money to begin with), she also shows little to no interest in her children or grandchildren (I thought she adored my kids but now looking back it was prob mostly my dad), she is obsessed with meeting men on dating sites and will put that ahead of any family stuff. She also lies all the time often about insignificant things but sometimes bigger things. A few years ago we had a big argument about it and she turned so nasty that I swore I would never call her out again so I'm just trying to accept her as she is.

I know she is still hurting, she expected to spend her life with my dad and her life was turned upside down through no fault of her own. But I just feel like I'm grieving the person I thought she was. Aibu.

OP posts:
Princessoflitchenstein · 03/02/2026 16:37

Purplenote · 03/02/2026 16:34

Of course I want her to be happy. I'm just surprised that she sold her home and bought a much smaller place in a less safe part of town further away from her family.
I'm surprised about the men she has started relationships with (including one who she was with for over a year and was a complete racist (both in person and on social media)when one of her grandkids is mixed race)
I'm surprised she doesn't make an effort to see her kids and grandkids now.

I want her to be fulfilled I'm just surprised at the things that fulfill her. I thought she was an entirely different person

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For me racism or homophobia is a hard line. You can reduce contact and grieve the relationship

Original poster
Purplenote · 03/02/2026 16:34

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 03/02/2026 16:22

Do you not think your mum deserves to find some happiness, no matter what that looks like to you? Did you expect her to just sit around being lonely? I think that's really sad if you really did want that for her.
Do you not think she's able to be a loving mother and grandmother whilst still looking for some kind of romantic fulfilment now?
Maybe, she's now got a bit of 'freedom' and is enjoying spending money how she wants to. It may not be in sensible ways that you approve of, but, essentially, it's her life and maybe she's just hit a reset button and wanting a bit of fun?

Of course I want her to be happy. I'm just surprised that she sold her home and bought a much smaller place in a less safe part of town further away from her family.
I'm surprised about the men she has started relationships with (including one who she was with for over a year and was a complete racist (both in person and on social media)when one of her grandkids is mixed race)
I'm surprised she doesn't make an effort to see her kids and grandkids now.

I want her to be fulfilled I'm just surprised at the things that fulfill her. I thought she was an entirely different person

OP posts:
DriveMeCrazy1974 · 03/02/2026 16:22

Do you not think your mum deserves to find some happiness, no matter what that looks like to you? Did you expect her to just sit around being lonely? I think that's really sad if you really did want that for her.
Do you not think she's able to be a loving mother and grandmother whilst still looking for some kind of romantic fulfilment now?
Maybe, she's now got a bit of 'freedom' and is enjoying spending money how she wants to. It may not be in sensible ways that you approve of, but, essentially, it's her life and maybe she's just hit a reset button and wanting a bit of fun?

MajorProcrastination · 03/02/2026 16:18

I wonder if she was very dependent on your dad making all their financial decisions so she's never developed good financial literacy.

I also wonder if this dependence on him is why she's so focused on meeting a new man. Maybe she feels that she needs a man because she has no confidence in her own ability to do life.

It sounds like so much of her identity was wrapped up in your dad and in being part of that couple and then in his later years as his carer.

The lying and what you've said about her not being that bothered about the grandkids is odd.

I think this is also all about getting to know who your mum is as a person, not just through the lens of her as a parent or as part of your parenting team.

TalkingShrub · 03/02/2026 16:03

You could also turn that around and say 'AIBU to feel bad that I never really knew who my mother was until she was widowed?'

Or see it as her having changed, understandably, since she was widowed, especially if she was young and it was unexpected? She nursed your father, has been grieving and suddenly finds herself with this life she hadn't expected, and is exploring it. And it's more than just being 'a loving mother and grandmother'. And she's the only one making financial decisions for herself now.