To be hurt that my mother is not who I thought she was

I think that’s what I was trying to say on the post below yours - I think for many who have been quite co dependent they have often let friendships and hobby’s go and suddenly find themselves very alone and it can be an easier option to meet men for regular company than find any new and close friendships - same for men suddenly on their own too - it’s very different when you no longer have school runs, school mum friends, and in many cases these days too colleagues who you see every day

Oh gosh. That removes me of a period in my life when I got it wrong.

When my DDs became young adults and my DH had died, I was really conscious of not being needy. Of letting then have their own lives and independence. I realised that it was important that I found a life of my own so that they didn't feel responsible for me. They had both moved out shortly after my DH died and were partnered up.

My new life didn't involve finding out looking for men, but I did make a new group of friends, and didn't invite myself around to my daughters, or, indeed, invite then to mine very often. I thought they'd feel obliged if I did. I didn't want them to feel responsible for me.

But I didn't communicate that. And they thought I'd chosen this new life over them. It was years before light dawned and we got back on track.

So have a conversation with your mum. It bought be that she feels she's got to get this new life rather than be dependent on you.

Sounds like your father brought out the best in your mother.

It still aim to avoid racist and homophobic people. My FIL is one. My now grown up kids have met him about 6 times.
We kept it as brief and civil as possible, but he still managed to use the n and p words repeatedly. I found out recently that the kids refer to him as racist grandad behind our backs (not wanting to upset their dad).

I never want them to normalise racism.

She’s focusing on her own needs, which is fine, but not in spite of the needs of her children and grandchildren. As OP said, she doesn’t feel like her mum shares any care for her or her children, that’s what makes her selfish.

Its understandable she wants to focus on love, but with lots of people, it seems to become obsessive and suddenly everyone else around them doesn’t get a look in.

Maybe thats just not fulfilling enough for her?
There more to life than being a widowed grandmother - she's only 64 FFS.

Your mum was in her mid 20's when you were born, how long before that did she meet your dad? Early 20's?

You're looking at it all wrong, I did too, My mum left home at 20 and got married immediately after being the youngest of 5, when she found herself single at 50 when her children had all left home it destroyed her. She didn't know how to be alone, she no longer wanted to be in the relationship with HIM as he was an abusive arse, but she needed someone, anyone else as she had never in her life been alone. It sounds like your mum is similar - independent or not, for her, being alone night after night is not the life she's ever led.

I wonder if some of the lies are because you are asking her more about her life than she wants to reveal so she lies because she doesn’t want to say “ I don’t want to discuss that” The dodgy men who steal from her and are racist sound depressing to watch but you can’t push her back in to granny mode. I didn’t realise how much my dad loved choirs and singing until my mum died. He was bored rigid with police stories on TV but would watch them with her because they did everything together. When she died the tele watching stopped ( until he got frailer) and he joined choirs and assorted classes. Some of this was because he disliked being alone especially on an evening and really missed mum. Both he and my mum didn’t live alone before marrying and I think some people cope very poorly with being alone without feeling lonely. You also don’t really know someone if they are in a relationship where they always do everything together as you can’t separate their individual likes and dislikes as well.

That.

When I was younger, I had plenty of friends and would have considered that I had a great support network. But as I've got older, friends have drifted away/I've carelessly drifted from them.
Once our kids were adults, there was less to connect us. People were caught up in caring for older parents, or doing childcare for they grandkids who became their focus. Or they focused on their jobs, or they became less fit and keen to be doing that activities we'd done together. And then, they started dying...

So yes, a couple of decades ago I didn't expect I'd be a lonely widow, but I am. So don't smugly assume that you'll be better at widowhood (which of course I hope doesn't happen for you) than your mum is. Life changes a lot with age.

@Purplenote couple of points on this OP and they may sound a bit harsh but may be in the mix .

1 has she got many deep friendships? Because I’m also 64 and I will be honest if I was a bit lonely it’s much easier to meet men ( because of online etc and yes they are often of dubious quality) than it is to make new deep female friendships at that age and it may have become a bit all consuming, partly due to the fact it can become a bit of an ego boost after a shit time and partly to give her something to focus on .

2 could she be a bit strapped for cash on her own? Because for some men and some women the survival instinct kicks in and underlying cocklodger/goldigger tendencies can sneak in simply because naturally many dont want a shit struggling life and realise that aspect can be a bit easier with two of you if you don’t have plenty of cash yourself .

I would cut her a bit of slack , people can react in what seem odd ways when suddenly on their own - was she ever mega interested in your kids or was that more your dad- some women and some men simply aren’t after they have raised their own -

It seems like you expect her to continue to focus her entire life around being a loving mother and grandmother.

She's an individual, on her own, trying to navigate the world without her partner. She has wants, needs. And why should they have to each be fully 'approved of' by you? She is her own person and you should try and see her as such. Not just 'mum/nan'.

The racist boyfriend is grim. But presumably she's not with him now?

This. Very few people find their parents are who they think they are when they get to know them as adults. It’s part of growing up.

It is a massive shock when you see your mother as a person with different values from the ones she modelled to you, and from your own values that you hold, as an adult. She has obviously brought you up well, with healthy self esteem and able to thrive without a man. Maybe her mum didn't do the same for her and she can't cope being single, having never experienced it.
She absolutely is a different person now, she has a totally different life, of course she has changed. It would be a bit weird if she had not changed.
I agree it's like you have lost 2 parents now and that is heartbreaking. She has lost her own life too, in a way. Bereavement is horrible.

Or is she grieving and struggling and has she actually changed because of it? What support does she have?

Your mom despite the taste in men is still your mom. I nursed my dying mom and it seriously puts your life on hold. I lost a good chunk of my friendship group. I just wasn’t able to go out or meet for coffee etc & a relationship through text isn’t sufficient. I had nothing outside my mom or family to discuss. I didn’t know what was happening out of the four walls of my moms or my house. I only did this for 8 months but if you’re a carer for longer I can imagine you lose yourself. Your mom isn’t self centred. She can’t be. She nursed your dad. She’s probably emerged from the whole experience changed and wants to prioritise herself. With adult kids etc she’s completely within her right. Moving to a smaller house in a rougher part of town is all about finances. Running a home on your own is expensive. I don’t know what other bad financial decisions your mom is making but moving to an area where rates are likely cheaper and people are more likely to talk to each other rather than getting a obligatory nod like I do from neighbours she may have made a decision she had no choice to make. Especially when her idea of life is to live and not just making ends meet

I think she is lonely and looking for companionship. I also think you are naturally missing the way things where. The way there was two adoring grandparents, happy together and enjoying family time together with you all.
Inevitably things have very sadly now changed for ever op. Your lovely dad has passed away and any future partner of your mother probably; isn't going to be as interested in the grandchildren as he was and they were together.
If she finds a permanent partner she is happy with she may settle back into more of the person you knew and, who knows, it may be someone you like and is interested in the children...but equally your mother may see this as 'her time's a last hurrah before old age really sets in.
I hope you are both able to move on into a new phase in your relationship which you both find fulfilling or at least acceptable 💐

I was widowed in my 60s. My life and plans for our retirement just disappeared overnight.
I had to adjust to living on my own, making my own decisions and finding a whole new identity as a 'widow' rather than half a couple, after 50 years.
My plans haven't included new men - just a new dog, but every individual has to find their own way to navigate a new world.
No-one has the right to judge.

I would be cautious of rewriting history. if you have happy memories of a loving and engaged set of parents then your mum was probably one of them.

Bereavement can do very funny things to people. It can turn them very selfish and unable to cope with even the smallest demands from others. If she is someone who always thrived as half of a couple, maybe she is focused on finding a new man so she can settle back into that security and relax again, and become more family orientated.

But if she is also being unreliable with money and volatile, it is possible that her brain is deteriorating. Way before actual dementia is diagnosed, people can start to show very odd behaviour. My mum, who was always so gentle, became quite horrible to me. Not always, just on occasions, but it was a shock.

But why would it be 'selfish' to prioritise her own desire for a sexual/romantic life after she's been widowed, or indeed to take up water-skiing, ultramarathons, or Dungeons and Dragons rather than 'leaning into her family?

Would it be worth it having a heart to heart with her about this? Apologies if it’s already been done.

Do you mean she goes for nasty men (bad boys) over nice men? At least with the one bad experience with money she won’t be interested in online scammers.

I wonder if her loneliness and grief (and aging) has made her more selfish. She’s desperate for love and looking on dating websites instead of leaning in to her family.

The OP isn't a child and her children are going to meet lots of different people in the course of their lives. They can't be permanently shielded from people with opposing or out dated views. Anyway, they don't live with the grandmother. They see her infrequently and the latest man friend even less so as he doesn't live with granny. I think the OP is more concerned with her inheritance than her mother's flash in the pan boyfriend.

But also that she would tolerate racism and homophobia.
I wouldn't let my children near anyone like that.

I felt very sad for you reading this as you clearly care about your DM. The only input I can offer is our experience with MIL. The she was married and with FIL, we always thought he was a little bit over bearing and a little short with her at times - then after he passed, we realised how self centred and difficult she can be and she shows no interest in anyone else. Some of this is cognitive as she’s late eighties now but we can see that FIL acted as a filter where he rebuffed some of the outbursts ie she makes a lot of personal remakes ie Littlemisssavvy you look like you have put weight on (I am a size12) , that outfit doesn’t suit you etc etc. FIL was also a good regulator on money and countering impulsive spending. We’ve had a few issues where she’s needed us to sort out a mess ie she ordered a new bathroom on impulse, when they came to fit it, she said it wasn’t what she ordered (it was), lots of tears, we had to persuade the company to allow her to make changes even though none of it was there fault. I suspect your DM will have benefited from the influence of your DF and big decisions being joint.

It’s so incredibly hard being widowed and losing the partner you loved - the grief, the loneliness, and never feeling “normal” on your own in company. You’re the pity party add on - or you feel like that. 🤷‍♀️

I met someone, purely by fluke, after a couple of years. Luckily, he’s a lovely guy and the family like him very much. We probably won’t ever live together as we’ve both been widowed, and now just want a relaxed a care free life.

We go away together, we both work out our own finances, and I don’t ever feel the need to justify my new life to anyone.

I love my adult kids, and adult grandchildren, but I’m more than a Mum and a Nan. 🤷‍♀️

Give your mum a break - she’s adjusting. 😉