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Original poster

Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

161 replies

Londonisthebestcityintheworld · 03/02/2026 12:31

18 years married. Plenty of ups and downs. Husband is emotionally avoidant.

In my childhood if I cried I was always told to "stop or I'll give you something to cry about". So I guess that's why I married someone who is emotionless.

He is a nice person, he makes me laugh, keeps in shape, stable job. No drugs or alcohol issues, good father. I also have lots of friends and a good job.

But I'm so lonely.

I mainly stay in the marriage for financial security. I've told him before I feel like a prostitute during sex (I'm either being used for his pleasure or giving him pleasure, their is no emotion in sex, we never make eye contact, he never tells me he loves me).

I'm a therapist when he wants to talk.

I'm hired help for the family - cooking, cleaning, shuffling people around. If my dinner isn't tasty they will laugh at me and why can't I take a joke. He also cooks, and he's good at it too.

If I'm stressed at work I should just quit.

Life has somehow become about keeping everyone happy and not disturbing the peace.

My emotions are inconvenient. I've done it for 18 years (my whole life really) but I feel like I'm having a breakdown now.

It's like everything is pouring out.

All came to a head this weekend when I burst into tears in public. He ignored me (others offered comfort). He just pretended it didn't happen during and after. I tried to initiate a repair conversation where he made me feel shame for where I broke down.

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

And when I write it all down it just sounds so horrid.

For a long time I didn't think he knew how to give support to others but I've seen him do it before. So I understand now it's just me. And I can't seem to unsee it.

And I can't stop thinking about all the times he wasn't there - in the most vulnerable parts of my life he's always stepped away and made me feel too much (Post partum depression, my father's death)

Is this just marriage? I don't even know anymore... So many of my friends say this is it. My parents had a terrible marriage. All I know is I feel so alone. Like I'm suddenly unpacking nearly 50 years of tears

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 03/02/2026 13:03

We only have our previous relationships and parents to build models from.

Have you done actual therapy for yourself on this subject , with a trained therapist, @Londonisthebestcityintheworld ?

if not I would advise doing it.

Catwalking · 03/02/2026 13:02

Did the husband go to boarding school?
Mine did & all you’ve said above is ringing a load of bells at me.

Ritaskitchen · 03/02/2026 13:00

If you say to him - I need a hug please - will he do that? If he won’t what are his reasonings?
I would suggest rather than LTB try some other things first
Reduce the cooking? Ask to speak to him in a few day (like an appointment) and say you would like to talk to him about reducing the days you cook.
Also give advanced notices that the shuffling ppl around will also not be happing in 3 weeks on x and y days.
He will have emotions. He may not know how to express them so they do appear outwardly. But he is a human and will have them.
Start doing 1-2 enjoyable things for yourself a day. For me they include buying myself some flowers, going for a walk, finding a new book to read on the kindle, asking a friend to catch up, some really nice iced coffee. These things are only for you. Sorting a cupboard or anything to do with housework - no matter how much easier it makes life - are not in this category of 'just for me'

His behavior description when you needed him eg post partum depression makes me wonder if he has no idea what to do. Why is difficult to know. It could be feelings of uselessness or worry about getting it wrong. Hopefully he does care.
Id be wanting to seek some outside help - even if he won’t agree to come too. It sounds like the emotional communication is really struggling and you have rightly had enough of this. Personally when I have had difficulties in my married life I found concentrating on myself and finding things to enhance my life and make it happier really helped a lot. It’s ok to go away for a weekend alone or w girlfriends and have some fun.

Original poster
Londonisthebestcityintheworld · 03/02/2026 12:57

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/02/2026 12:48

He came into your life at a time when you needed his coldness, it sounds really tough, now that you see things clearly it is time to take care of yourself.

This is something I hadn't considered.

He is, I'm fact, a lot like my dad was... Very stable, very cold, very self centred.

To all the other commenters... I wasn't always like this. In previous relationships I did show emotions and sex was more loving and intimate but those partners said my feelings were too much and eventually cheated on me.

So I guess by the time I met my husband I had that in my mind too.

We only have our previous relationships and parents to build models from.

I appreciate all the comments. And I'm glad I finally said it all out loud.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 03/02/2026 12:50

No it's not just marriage. It's your marriage and it's very sad that you have spent 18 years with someone who makes you feel this way. It sounds like you didn't have a good example of a happy marriage between your parents which is perhaps why you've settled for the lack of loving care and intimacy in your own marriage.

I've been married to DH for 35 years and of course there have been ups and downs as in any long marriage but I have never felt like I'm just a slave or a prostitute. A good marriage should be a team, you support each other and care for each other when times are tough. Your description of your husband's behaviour when you broke down recently is particularly poignant - if his partner is distressed, his first reaction should be concern and giving comfort. The fact that he didn't immediately want to know what was the matter and how he can help is awful. You deserve to have a partner who shows he cares for you.

Have you considered having some counselling? It might help you get things clearer in your mind and consider what you want going forward?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/02/2026 12:48

He came into your life at a time when you needed his coldness, it sounds really tough, now that you see things clearly it is time to take care of yourself.

CarlaLemarchant · 03/02/2026 12:47

So divorce him then. Theres an awful lot of self pity in your post, which is understandable but you need to realise that you have a choice in this. You only have one life. You’re miserable, he sounds emotionally inept but not abusive. You have an income, you’re not trapped. He’s not going to change all of a sudden so do something about it yourself.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 03/02/2026 12:46

It sounds like he has some good qualities which is why you’ve stayed so far, but he’s emotionally disconnected from you and the pain of that is now too much to bear.

Bumblingbee92 · 03/02/2026 12:43

I’ve only been married for three years but DH is my biggest supporter/best friend.

I feel that’s the minimum in a marriage really. Being each others cheerleader/emotional rock/team mate.

It’s not too late to leave. You don’t want to waste another 18 years with this man.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 03/02/2026 12:43

Leave him.

Imagine looking back at your life in 40 years and thinking "if only I hadn't stayed with that abusive man, my life would have been so different"

Don't be that woman.

Garman · 03/02/2026 12:38

No this sounds awful, that’s not what marriage is supposed to be like even if your friends are in shit marriages too that doesn’t make it okay or mean you have to put up with it too.