Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

I know loads of people on here will say LTB, but life just isn’t as simple as that. I really do empathise with a lot of what you are saying but if you feel like there was some progress a few years ago, it would be worth going again. You may ultimately feel like it’s not enough, and that’s fine, but just strikes me it could be worth revisiting.

And he will pass it down to your kids. You would teach any girl that its ok to make do in emotionless relationships an any boy that that is the natural model.

I am going to say something a bit different. If you leave, you will still be lonely and still have years of emotions to work through and process and still have problems. And you may not ever fall in love with someone or meet the right person, as you know, and that in fact it will be far more likely if you are sorted within yourself, if you have processed your back log of feelings and come to terms with everything.

So start doing the working out now, for yourself, before you think about leaving. Start writing out your feelings, start taking responsibility for understanding them and processing them, talk to someone if that would help, get yourself to a strong positive position inside yourself. Work out what you expect from a relationship, and how you think relationships should work, what would a healthy relationship look like, how you would achieve that with someone new if you met someone new, what sort of give and take would be needed.

And then see what you want to do.

It might be that if you get to this position, your dh will respond differently to you. Or that you will gain insights which make you decide to do your life differently and make good choices.

Your dh sounds nice but it definitely sounds like he has emotionally checked out, and it might be that he feel he gets nothing emotional from the relationship and that is why he doesn't emotionally invest. Or maybe he has things he hasn't processed and he doesn't know how to do love or healthy relationship - and once you have worked it out, you could explain it to him in a way which makes a difference to how he sees things.

I might be wrong but it sounds as though he wants you to take more responsibility over your wellbeing.

It also sounds like your problems are all getting mixed up. Some of the problems you refer to are things you should be tackling and some are more to do with a back log of feelings and underlying partner problems.

For example, I don't think it is okay for your dc to be mocking you over your cooking if you don't find it funny. It isn't funny unless everyone finds it funny. This shouldn't be confused with "they don't love me" though, it sounds like they dont know how to treat people who they love - and it is your job to tell them. So I think you need to be a bit assertive about this with dh and say nicely that you don't find it funny, say why you don't find it funny; and with your dc, tell them it isn't okay to laugh or mock, and tell them how to behave, this applies to how they treat everyone including you.

op, so many things resonate with me. High earner, emotionally unavailable but actually a really decent guy etc etc. I would consider another round of therapy if you think it could help at all. If you don’t, I’d explore more of your feelings with your own therapist before you exit the relationship for good

I can see you’ve been to couples counselling before. Did it go anywhere? Meaning, did it help in any way? Sometimes you need a few goes at it, as long as there is some kind of movement or progress

I could have written this OP and I feel so sad for you.
My DP is very similar, and I am extremely far down his list of priorities, I have stopped asking for effort and stopped making the effort and he hasn't noticed.
I now just focus on my own life and my DD, and when she is older I will leave.
Have you considered counselling? I am thinking about it as I feel like I am in a relationship I swore I would never have (parents had an extremely bad divorce and horrible new partners).
Some days I feel selfish, there is no abuse, he is generous with money, high earner etc. But I worry about what I am showing my daughter about relationships.

They say we marry our unfinished business, and it sadly sounds like you have married your dad.

It’s common for very avoidant people to treat those they love most the most coldly (makes no sense to a normal person).

I was in a relationship a bit like this and leaving was hard. I had to grieve what I thought the relationship could have been. But in the end it was a gift that I gave myself because the reality was very different and I would’ve lost myself to longing

I don't feel like this at all and it isn't normal. It sounds very much like the marriage is dead and needs to end for the sake of your sanity.

I'd leave for a weekend if you can. Quietly and only send him a msg when you're all checked in saying you need a break and time to think things over. How he is and how he reacts will tell you what you need to know.
If you're unable to do that, tell him you're thinking of doing it. It may lead to a conversation. Thats what I had to do to make my dh realise how serious I was about continuing or walking away. Take care op xxx

I know not all autists are the same but most autistic people have high empathy. They are more likely to interrogate to get to know you in detail than completely pretend you don't exist.

I think he is just shallow, as most men are, because they don't see their partner as a full person. Their interests take too long to understand because they are not the same and they are too lazy to put in the effort.

If you’re not happy then leave.

He doesn’t need to be a bad person for you to want something more/different.

You’ve simply just grown apart.

I am always amazed how people can be married 10+ years because I know I am a completely different person than I was 10 years ago and there are a lot of people I was close to 10+ years ago who I have absolutely nothing in common with now.
Neither of us are wrong/right, we’re just different.

I have an avoidant attachment style and it’s not as simple as being able to switch it off.
But I do wonder if he’s more autistic than avoidant.

Regardless, you’re not compatible and I personally wouldn’t waste any more of my life feeling like this.

I would suggest you make sure you do one thing every day that is purely for your enjoyment - it might be going to the gym, using a face mask, having a chocolate bar, going out to an event, whatever. However it is purely for you and not other people.

As you realise, you haven't have great examples of relationships to follow and have had it drilled in to you that somehow you are 'too much'. I think you would probably get a lot out of therapy again.

It might give you the confidence to leave the marriage, it might help you renegotiate the marriage to suit your needs again but at the moment the outcome doesn't matter. What is urgent is that you are able to confidently be you and find out exactly who that person is.

OP, now that you realise all of this, can you put your energy into making plans to not be his thankless skivvy?
Divorce will give you half and you deserve it.
Don't allow him to take your health.
You owe him nothing.

I know exactly how you feel and I’m the same. You’re clearly more tolerant than I am though because I’ve found myself falling into an EA with the man I should have always been with but I was too stupid to see it at the time…

I have had very similar experiences with men, sadly. I now have been single for half a decade because I have never felt I get anything near what I give in relationships and they are always eyeing up other options, meaning relying on them puts you in a precarious position. Men seem to want a cook, cleaner, therapist, childminder, event planner, weekend organiser, equal earner, co-driver, DIY supporter, tax planner, sex robot and mother all in one. All they do is shag, eat and shit and take out the bins. If you are lucky you get the silent treatment less than once a month. No thanks!