Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

Self pity?!
What a cruel, ignorant and judgemental post. The very opposite of support.
Ignore this rudeness OP.
I am so sorry this is how your life has been.
I hope you can manage to get away from this situation. You definitely deserve better.

Actually, I think the litmus test, is whether you would be happier single than with a person. If you would be happier single (including having less money / less time with your children / worse accommodation etc, if applicable)? If yes, it's probably better to end it. If not, it's better to stay. I think it's foolish if you're comparing your current life and relationship, to a life with a fictional new partner. There's no guarantee of meeting someone else, and if you do meet someone, they will have other issues no doubt.

What is the point of your DH?

Crucially, the relationship does not meet any of your needs.

Start by not having sex you don’t want. Then some therapy. Sounds like you have some childhood trauma to unpick. 😢

I might get flamed but put that post in an AI chat box and see what comes back.

You don’t have to live like this.

Is the lack of interest all emotional events or ‘just’ those that relate to you? Sorry to ask such a point blank qu.

From the other angle, perhaps he can be deeply immersed in eg non emotional events like your stamp collection hobby, and could discuss it for hours?

I was about to ask this. I know many men who did, from a young age, and who have been detrimentally affected by it.

I'm in my mid-30s, as is DH. We've been married for 14 years. We both had pretty shitty childhoods, his more run of the mill and mine is novel worthy. So we make an effort to be ourselves, and to not let the bad examples and influences of our childhoods affect our relationship now. You deserve so much more. Get yourself some solo therapy and build up to making your own life. You deserve freedom and respect 💐

Your husband does sound weird and unpleasant around expressing emotions, YANBU to think he is being so.

Honestly though, I think there are loads of people in marriages or couples, who are together through convenience, whether it's for children, or financial reasons or whatever.

No, never

God no, that sounds so grim! I don’t know about anyone else’s marriage but mine isn’t like that at all. Ups and downs sure but we earn the same and sex is very mutual.

Husband is emotionally avoidant.

Are you too?

I'm not outwardly emotional. So I can't make the excuse that he's drained by doing this for me constantly.

If in 18 years you have never expressed your feelings about this to him, how is he to know?

I feel sad for you but at the same time you can only change YOU- not him.

Do you find it hard to say how you feel?

I really feel for you OP.

From everything you say, I am in two minds.

You talk of 50 years of tears and it may be he just hasn’t known how to reach you, past the damage your parents did.

It isn’t his job to be your therapist, but it is his job to be on your side.

Whatever is going on there is hurt within you and you may feel eternal loneliness until you find a way to rebuild from this. I think even the best marriages can only support and provide safety and security while someone takes their own journey. I don’t think a partner or a marriage can do that for you, from outside.

Dud you have counselling / therapy to help you after your post partum condition?

Maybe therapy for yourself now, and then take stock, maybe couples counselling, and find out if the marriage is also not right for you?

I hope you can find a way through this OP.

My heart aches for you, OP.

You have described my marriage and exH, and exactly how I felt. You articulate it so well.

It took me 27 years to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I loved him, he had many good qualities, and I thought we'd grow old together. But I was so, so lonely.

Two years post separation I have come to understand myself better. I think getting some long-term heavy-duty therapy for myself while still married would have helped.

I think working on my own childhood, attachment style, negative core beliefs would have allowed me to better understand how we both function on a deeper level, perhaps communicate more effectively, and how to change things while there was still time.

I am also aware that my exH would probably not have wanted nor been able to do the same. So at the end of the day we would either have limped on or I would have ended up leaving anyway.

I don't think my ex is a bad person, just that had very different expectations, needs and capacity for what a marriage is.

I sometimes do wish I had given it one last shot, but with the benefit of the months of therapy I have done since leaving. Maybe, just maybe, I could have got through to him. And with a counsellor's help, he could have learned to open up and let me in, to connect beyond the surface.

However, I don't think marriage is supposed to be that hard? I'm in a new relationship and it's like night and day. I don't have to ask for care and consideration. Emotional availability is a given. We talk. Sex is about connection, not servicing his needs. I feel seen, loved. Supported.

There is still pain, grief for the life I left behind, the dreams I had, but not that heart-wrenching pain that I remember so well when I felt so unloved by the one person who was supposed to have my back and cherish me.

You don't have to stay in a relationship when the other person has either stopped loving you, or simply doesn't love you.
I left such a very long term relationship, and my life is now immeasurably better for having done so.

How do you think he would react if you said you wanted to split up? Do you think he would want to fight for your relationship?

As at the moment you struggle to talk together, he obviously doesn’t cope with emotions well, could you write him a letter? Lay your heart on the line, but it gives him time to process it before he has to respond to you. I’m wondering if that might get through to him better.

I disagree with the poster who said that if you leave you will still be lonely and you might not find another man.

I think that’s missing the point. You’re not lonely because there’s something wrong with you. You’re lonely because you keep giving and giving and not receiving back. One of the loneliest places in the world is in a bad marriage.

Once you leave, you will be free to pour all that love and energy into yourself - your life your job , your friends, family and hobbies. I know many women who have left marriages like yours and I don’t know any who regret it.

Yes of course the process of leaving and getting a divorce can be very horrible indeed. Often these selfish men do not take very kindly when their wife - appliance leaves. They are also notorious for believing that all the matrimonial assets are theirs so they often fight for everything in the divorce.

But once you are through all of that, I don’t think you will have any regrets at all. I think you will feel free for the first time in your life .

Yes, I agree. You just have to ask yourself whether it is worth it OP. Also, ask yourself if you still want to be living with this man in 20 years. AI and other advances are going to extend the lifespan significantly. Do you want this for possibly 50 or 60 more years? Or even 100!!

yes but you need to have counters to that. you remind them its not a joke if the other person doesn't find it funny.

you give them examples, you can even include them or DH as part of the examples to hit home.

Outside of your DH, do you have family or friends that you feel you can turn to for a bit of support or emotional grounding.

I really think you should look for some counselling for yourself outside of DH. As i think you'd feel more stable and secure to make long term decisions once you feel more grounded. it seems like you've completely lost your sense of self

I'm sorry you're so sad OP. It is not " just what marriage is like" but you need to start taking matters into your own hands. Your feelings surfacing are an alarm going off, so take notice of them. Clearly you need a plan to leave, maybe not immediately but one day?
Why would you carry on having sex with him if it makes you feel like a prostitute, and why would you say that to him? That is a horrible thing to say (even if he deserves it).
You don't have to have sex you don't want, cook meals that are picked on etc.
You've said you only stayed for the money, can you manage on less or are you too attached to the lifestyle/ unable to support yourself now? Either way, build your own life. Have a day off now and then, spend some of his money, get into a hobby and stop doing things for him/ with him that you don't want to do. Match his effort.

You don’t owe anyone sex or the use of body. Married or not married. You do not.
if you don’t want to have sex with this man then don’t.

Can you tell him you want some time apart. That things are going badly and despite your best efforts you don't feel loved and supported in the relationship. And you don't feel either of you are happy. Ask that he goes away for a bit.

Then see how you feel without him. I'm pretty sure you'll realise it's an improvement and you can then tell him the split should be permanent.

Im sorry, but you are the one accepting this. Stop waiting for someone to swoop in and make you feel loved, seen, desirable and happy. Those things are within yourself. Kick the door down and claim them - insist on being treated better, insist on being seen and spoken to, loved and treated well and cwith consideration. If you dont find this slef love and assertiveness within yourslef, you may leave you rhusband but you will still end up being used and overlooked. The problem is not so much in your marriage an dcircuamstances but within yourself. Im sorry if this is harsh, but lets cut to the chase. You cant change others, only yourself.