Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

Yes he is. And I imagine the same way most of these things come about. We have been good friends for over a decade. Turns out we were both admiring each other from a distance but one of us happens to be slightly stuck. Working at building my own ladder out of this pit as we speak. Not even to fling myself in his arms for him to rescue me, although that would be a nice bonus. I just need to get out for my own sake of self worth.

I don't think your husband sounds like a terrible man and I'm sure he loves you very much, but he is not the right man for you.

Counselling cannot make someone into a different person or change their personality. You and your husband are incompatible. He cannot meet your emotional needs, which has a detrimental effect on your mental health, and I suspect trying to force himself to be the person you need would be equally detrimental to his mental health.

I really, really feel for you because it's obvious that you're really struggling, and it's completely understandable. But I also feel for your husband a bit too, because I know what it's like to be someone whose natural personality just isn't one that can meet the emotional needs of their partner.

I think you are two good people who are both suffering from the effects of a difficult upbringing, and are not right for one another.

You're still in honeymoon mode - come back when you're together 20+ years

There have been so many kind posts with great insight and advice. (And a few not.)
What I want to say is how emotionally articulate you seem - you seem to have this very much locked down.
Your confusion about your emotions seems to me that your subconscious - and conscious - know the score, yet your husband is minimising and saying that things are not the way they are.
OP, I think you are incredibly switched on. As the saying goes, it’s not you, it’s him. He is the malfunctioning unit.
You are not needy to expect comfort and support and emotional safety in your own home. It is not wrong to want and expect more! You are not breaking down, you are awakening. You are starting to see your own value and worth.
However this unfolds, I send you all my love and support. I know this is painful, but continuing as you are hurts way more. I wish you a life where you take up more and more space. XX

No, that's not normal. I've had a lot of ups and downs in my relationship. My DH has let me down a few times and I've let him down. I've never felt like a prostitute though, you need to stop having sex with him whilst you feel that way. It must be so damaging to your mental health. I don't think men struggling with emotions is rare but this seems at a very extreme level.

This sounds absolutely awful. 😢

@Londonisthebestcityintheworld

Right now you're standing at a crossroads. Stay or leave. Both are valid choices but each comes with its own 'requirements' and pitfalls.

Choose to stay and you will need to have the mindset that your marriage is nothing but a 'business partnership'. You each contribute in a practical way to further joint aims (healthy children who grow into good people, growing financial security that ends in a good retirement, etc). To do this you'll have to rid yourself of emotion when it comes to your DH. You give no emotion or expectations, you expect no emotion or expectations. In essence, you live your life 'separately' to his. It can be done, but it's hard work and usually therapy to tamp down those feelings. In return you keep your lifestyle and your children are raised in a two parent home, although whether he's a good influence on them I leave to you to decide. If you decide 'no' you have to consider whether or not you can influence them differently with him standing behind you 'making faces' (metaphorically speaking). Living this kind of life gives NO emotional satisfaction, but it can give 'practical' satisfaction. I've known women who have done this and they'll say they are 'happy'. Whether they are truly happy or are just 'not unhappy' I don't know.

Choose to leave and you may suffer a downturn in lifestyle, including having to leave or sell the home you live in. You'll have to share your children with him. If he is a bad influence at least you'll have one on one time with them to try to influence them to better ways without him there to contradict you. BUT you will have freedom. Freedom from criticism, freedom from the pain of knowing the one who is supposed to care for you the most doesn't give a shit. Freedom from being insulted in front of your children. And you will have the time to build yourself a new life without criticism. I've known women who have made this choice and the vast majority of them are truly happy. They may wish that some things were different, but they feel that they've gained more than they've lost.

The decision is yours. I'd suggest counseling or therapy to help you decide.

Even though you feel hurt by your husband's lack of care, you still value your relationship and him and sound understandably very torn. You may reach a point where you decide that ending your relationship is the best way forward but I think you may always have regrets if you don't do whatever you can to repair things now. You can't do it all on your own but you need to be able to tell a future you that you did what you could and, who knows, maybe you will both find a better way of connecting. Can you try couples therapy again? Can you try different conversations e.g. as well as telling him what he has done to hurt you, ask him what you could do to help him feel more connected to you? If you are bottling up a lot of hurt and resentment, do you become emotional when you try to share this with him, in a way that makes him anxious? Could you calm the conversation by thinking about venue, timing or even putting some of it in a letter to him? Have you asked him about his experience of others' emotions in childhood - did he feel manipulated by them?

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone in your relationship. You sound like you have a lot to give.

Your post is really resonating with me OP, not because of the prostitute bit, but because i too have a husband is emotionally disconnected. It's very hard, especially when you come from a background where there is lots of emotions to process, which it sounds like you're unconscious is trying to do now. I recall once being very upset in front of friends about my family and a friend had to tell my husband to put his arm around me and give me a comfort. At the time I didn't think much of it as I have always been use to dealing with my own emotional struggles but it's not right and not how a supportive partner should be. I have been with my husband for 26 years, married for 18 years. The first part of our marriage was focussed on my emotions and problems which I processed through a lot of therapy. I have now come to terms with those emotions and am very self sufficient. I also have built up over the years a bunch of excellent and very loving friends who from time to time i get support from to, likewise me with them as all my years in therapy has helped me now help others. With my husband, i got to a point last year where I was so sick of his emotional disconnection affecting the balance in our home (we have children) that I gave him an ultimatum of either sorting the issues out in therapy or he leaves and moves back in with his dysfunctional parents. He took the former and has been seeing an excellent female therapist every other week. He is starting to turn the corner after 6 months with the therapist but it's certainly not consistent yet. He is learning so much about his background and how its made him like he is. He also went to a private boys school which is also an issue as back then, there was no fostering of emotional connection, just silly school boy humour and pranks on others. Could therapy be an option for you with your husband? I sent my husband the link to the BACP website and left it to him to sort out something by a given date to show he was still committed. I will be honest and say that our kids are quite young so at the moment it does not work to separate however, if they were older then i would have. I am very clear in my mind of what I need (he is aware of this, if you are not then perhaps some therapy for yourself would help you do this) and will give him the time to grow into that, as he did with me when i was going through my turmoil. However, if the changes are not consistent then that shows me he does not respect me or our family enough to make a conscious effort to maintain and therefore that will be the end of us. BTW, my husband has suggested couples counselling before and I have said that once he is able to trully acknowledge the lack of emotional connection that has existed in this relationship then I am open to going to couples counselling however, I see no point in trying to build something with someone who at this stage is not able to connect emotionally with me, as that would only makes things harder for me. Thinking of you as I how hard this is x

I'm with a dismissive avoidant OP. It's very hard. Been married 20 years and in the process of divorcing.

He didn't look after me when I needed him the most and was in a very vulnerable position and it also unveiled my eyes to see him truly for the first time, what he was a few months ago.

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. I also learnt young to suppress my emotions and that there was no one to look after me. I never felt safe as a kid. I've also married my dad in that DH is emotionally and physically avoidant. My husband is a workacholic and never here, so I guess at least yours has been present... but actually i've preferred it with him not around as he makes me feel uneasy and tense these days. I feel judged and evaluated and like I'm asking always for too much. He also gets angry with the kids if they hurt themselves.

I can't wait for him to move out. I have felt so very lonely in this marriage. I'd be much better on my own. I know I can live a good life alone and feel far less lonely than this as I did many years ago and I was happy.

I don't want to live a lie anymore or pretend or act. I want to be allowed to feel all my emotions and stop hiding my tears or my joy (which usually got hammered down).

My DH also is very very successful and being flat and factual and non-emotional at work has also got him to where he is. The problem is I'm treated like an employee, not a wife. He's also never forced sex or pushed for it, it was always mutual but I identify with the sexual perfomance thing. It's like if he focuses on my orgasm, then he can prove to himself he's a good lover which then means he's allowed to orgasm, but it's actually not about my pleasure, it's about him proving to himself that he's a good lover and another tick in his achievement box. he knows nothing about my inner world, nor does he wish to.

He is a taker on the grandest scale, despite his covert way of doing it. Presence is not partnership. I've never felt like partnered with him. We live two separate parallel lives under the same roof. It's been so painful. I'm therapy and it's been helpful. She says I'm like a child that never grew up. I'm still working on that now, how to parent myself as there was no one else to do it and that's why I tolerated this for so long.

You need more out of the relationship than he's prepared to give. There's no reason to stay in a marriage that's making you miserable.

Time to take your life back.

Is he single? How did this come about?

Mine did, and whilst he’s generally very stoic and emotionally “stable”, he’s affectionate and still tells me he loves me every day. After 36 years.

OP marriage isn’t or doesn’t have to be like this; you deserve happiness, company and respect. Please go out and get it.

This is just how men are I think

This.

Get yourself some serious therapy and leave. You deserve to be loved. He hasn’t and doesn’t not in the way you deserve.

Bin him, he's no good for you and he knows it - but still doesn't care.
You deserve better, go for it

I just want to say marriage doesn’t have to be like this. Men are not all like this. Please don't put up with the crumbs. Life is way too short.

Congratulations on writing it down and realising what it looks like - in particular your comment about him not seeing you as a person in the way he sees others. I think this is an important realisation. It's hard when you're in the midst of it all, and it's easy for us to sit here typing into a void saying to leave him, but you need to start building a life for yourself - even if you do it while staying in the marriage for the financial security. As others have said, you only get one life (this is sometimes really hard to remember because surely death only happens to other people etc etc). You need to be able to spend your time with people who recognise you as a person and who make you feel happy.

In my case I had quite a traumatic childhood where I learned not to burden others with my emotional needs. I was primed for emotional unavailability/neglect in my marriage. I was never shown true care and consideration growing up and became an over-giver.
Therapy is tough but worth it.
I'm unlearning, very slowly. It's a rewiring of the brain and heart.

I think the person I was when I met my exH probably believed what he had to offer was enough. But I think I was 'masking' self-sufficiency, and got to the point where I could no longer function like that.

Someone wrote upthread that maybe yourhusband just can't reach you/you can't receive his love. I don't know. I have thought about that myself.

I do know that my new partner makes loving me seem the easiest thing in the world though. I don't feel needy, unreasonable. But I am in therapy and have learned a lot.

Maybe it's just in/compatibility?
And people change.
And in my case, I do think my exH just fell out of love/stopped loving me.

I concur with much of the above….

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s certainly not my experience of marriage. Your husband sounds as if he has many good qualities, just not the ones you feel you really need. I’m guessing you may be in peri-menopause or possibly menopause and maybe this is why your emotions now feel so much harder to deal with. You say the family laugh at your cooking, is the laughter instigated by your husband, or is it just teen banter. I certainly remember going through the latter and whilst I laughed with them it often hurt, though I’m certain it was never their intention. It sounds like your husband is emotionally unavailable for you, is it possible that he may be on the autistic spectrum and whilst he can mirror what he believes is the correct behaviour with friends or work colleagues he is unable to maintain that cover when with you. Possibly Google (reputable sites only) some of the typical behaviours, of which there are many and then see where you could find some help if you think his traits might indicate it. Keep communication channels as open as possible between you, letting him know how bad you feel and if he won’t discuss things verbally maybe resort to a letter or email, when he can digest it in his own way. Good luck and I hope you manage to resolve things.

I'm so sad reading to read this.
You are entitled to happiness and hope for the future.
I hope your finances will permit this. After this a few years single would be a delight.