Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

I really do think you would benefit from ongoing counselling.

Your posts come across to me as though you have pushed your feelings down for so long they are now clamouring to get out and overwhelming you, to the point where not acknowledging them feels like a fundamental denial of your humanity (the prostitution feeling).
Sometimes they might come out at inappropriate times - like the public crying. Maybe also in conversation. FWIW I think it’s pretty normal to stick to subjects of work/hobbies/travel with in-laws and family visits. Heart-to-hearts about worries and fears (at least in my experience) are for close 1-1 conversations. But maybe because you have such big emotions inside you it feels ‘superficial’ not to acknowledge them in any kind of interaction. Maybe this continual emotional intensity in daily situations is what your partner is retreating from and trying to shut down? Obviously this just makes the problem worse for you though because you don’t have that emotional closeness and relief that you need, so all the feelings go unresolved.

It sounds from your description of your dad, and from the feedback of prior partners, that this issue predates your current relationship.

Seriously, get counselling. Give yourself a chance to spill out the emotions to a good listener and see if it helps? Get a really good understanding of yourself, your past and your needs before deciding what to do about your marriage.

OP I just want to hug you :( I've heard the term "bang maid" on the internet and it sounds like what you describe - used for sex and domestic chores.

I got divorced because my ex indulged in utterly horrific behaviours that made it impossible and dangerous for me to stay but in a way I think he did me a favour. Because, with notable exceptions, many marriages do seem to end up like this. It's not unreasonable to want more, but it's also the sad truth that this reflects the reality for many millions of women.

I'm also not in the "divorce him" brigade when anything remotely bad comes to light. It took a lot for me to leave my ex and it was behaviour that was beyond the pale (sex workers, contracting STDs, being out on the piss when my waters broke). If he hadn't have completely lost the plot I would still be with him because its never bad enough to leave, but never good enough to be happy.

As it is now, I plan to never get married or live with a man again. Simply have them as relationships and lovers and keep my own space with my daughter. But I wouldn't leave a marriage thinking that something better is out there.

Maybe it's time to quiet quit your marriage

Long marriages are mostly terrible for women I think. Men just take for granted what they have for free in front of them every day. I would recommend reading up on 'quiet quitting' your marriage and if he isn't meeting your sexual needs, taking a lover (there are alot of apps you can use). The meaning of your life is not to be a doormat to everyone else's needs. Find your own life. It's painful I know. I am where you are and have quiet quit. I don't eve wear my wedding ring anymore and he hasn't said anything. It's been four months of not wearing it. I don't give a fuck anymore. Men do what they want for themselves so why shouldn't we? Start to focus on logistics, acceptance and FINANCIAL STABILITY. Make sure you can pay for everything yourself and invest in your career. See if he says anything. Oh and stop making dinner every night.

I suspect many women are identifying with these messages.

Ahhhh I think we are in quite similar relationships. 12 years here, and I have been trying to find the words to articulate all the things you have said so well.

I love him, but he doesn't offer me what I want from a relationship emotionally and everything else that comes with that. Same as you, I said to him I feel like a prostitute, a housekeeper, flatmate and a surrogate. Not because hes rude to me, is forceful or anythjng like that, just the constant emotional neglect undermines the rest of any possible relationship or trust to have genuine sex. He is not a life partner. Love is not enough for me without both of u conscisously making the effort to make the other person feel loved everyday.

Same as u I see him being more emotional with other people than me, he puts all his energy into work or his friends or me time. I have realised his supposed emotional input to others is actually his fear of failure in social and work situations happening. He is performing empathy with people all the time.

I spent years trying to talk to him about our emotinal lack in various ways and being dismissed and gaslit in various ways. Then I had a couple of light bulb moments recently.

We have 3 kids, 6, 3 and a 6 month old. I have to talk to him like my 6 year old to get through to him for anything from how to handle emotions to getting him to put his shoes away. He literally is at that level emotionally. And thats not ok for a grown adult! I just didn't really notice this dynamic in the same way pre kids.

Secondly his parents are nice but clearly awkward and in a v emotionally difficult relationship too. The 3 of them were watching tv on the sofa and as I watched them I realised his parents relationship is exactly what he is emulating. His dad is far worse in terms of insensitivity to his mum, but thats probably because its been going on for 45+ years. That's where we were heading. There's definitely elements of ingrained misogyny and just middle class entitlement. They are all nice people in many ways, but dont know how to have an emotional connection with people or each other. I absolutely won't let that be handed onto my kids.

Im also pretty ragey now with post partum hormones which probably helped me to just say in my head, screw him, I need to get on with looking after my 3 kids and keeping my own head above water. I dont have the luxury of feeling insecure and depressed because of him on top of everything else. So I spent recent weeks realising that given I carry most stuff in our relationship and household, if we broke up I will be fine. Money wise i can move back with my parents. Not ideal, but not impossible. I just dont want to turn into his depressed mum, and for our kids to become these emotionally malfunctioning people (i/my family have different issues btw, but thats another story). The relationship itself is frankly not particularly worth anything to me in its current state and I can't be in a relationship with myself.

In short, I feel emotionally lighter and free than I have in years. Im just focusing on me with the minimal time and energy I have. Just not taking responsibility for him and his needs is such a weight off my shoulders. I cant chnage our living circumstances as young kids, and no headspace to work anything out, but as we are flatmates in most respects, it doesn't make much difference.

We eventually talked about it a month ago, as ever he never really fights for us, just asks me what i think will happen to us and finds different ways of saying im being dramatic. I just said I dont know, and im not that fussed either as all I am thinking about is getting through mat leave, sorting my job and finances and making myself happy again, being seen, getting excited about life like i used to be. Im not fussed what it means for him or his version of us. If he wants to make an effort, he can, i will see how i feel at that moment. Im not making any effort on my own though.

That seems to have shocked him and he is making more of an effort than ever before. Had a couple of nice cuddles since randomly. But if that dissipates I am ok too. Its v weird to feel happy with this state of affairs, but I actually am.

So what am I saying to you? I see you and hear you. Everything you say makes sense. I also have friends who say this is normal, and others that say just dump him. But not easy to dump after so many years of lost identity and children. Take your time and do what you want at a time that suits u. Youre doing all the right things. And you choose what is acceptable to you in a relationship, dont go by others. That is tough to do if you havent had good role models or relationship history (me too) but if it doesn't feel right, especially after all these years, it isn't right for u.

Ultimately, prioritise u. No one else will. And respect your own feelings and wants as a pp said. You seem like a way more emotionally switched on cookie than me. But we need ro figure out how to get our self respect back. We can do it

I just left a relationship with the same type of man. Lucky for me I wasn’t married to him so I feel your pain but their is a life beyond this you don’t have to stay with him

Leave. Leave. Leave.

This is not what marriage or love should be like.

As I read the thread something strikes me - I don't know what it healthy to expect from a partner and what is not. Some people tell me to grow a spine, others tell me to look after myself.

It's like I need someone to tell me what is my responsibility and what is ok to expect.

You need women's aid freedom programme.

It's bizarre that he can't offer you emotional support while you're going through a rough patch mentally and do enough at work to keep his job. It's not unusual for people's work performance to suffer in these circumstances, but to get fired is next level. That's says there's maybe something seriously lacking in him and it's possible he has a diagnosable condition of some kind. So the changes you're needing him to make are probably going to be impossible for him then.

Mine was like this.

No emotion at all. Never cried, showed no emotion even when his parents died. His view on death was “well everyone dies and they weren’t young” everything was black or white.

Eventually I had to leave as I was 50 and my life was passing me by.

When I spoke to him about this and said I was deeply unhappy and wanted to leave…

His response was “well you have to do what makes you happy”

He wasn’t bothered at all. He added “I’ll be fine on my own”

That was 5 years ago and to be fair to him he is fine on his own. He hasn’t changed though. He never will.

You can’t change people. Only you can change your own behaviour to make yourself happy.

@rainonfriday I liked reading your post. It gave me hope. My husband is still living at home while he waits for his property sale to go through. I can’t live my new life alone with just me and the kids until he goes but I really hope I can write a post like yours in the future. I’m so done adapting myself to someone else’s needs and behaviours I’m supposed to be showing. Your life sounds so freeing. More than anything I hope my energy comes back as I’ve felt so fatigued for years and I wonder if it’s because I’m carrying this act, this lie, pretending I’m ok all this time when I wasn’t.

OP I ended up having a full mental health breakdown so I urge you to leave before it becomes too much. I sacrificed myself for my family. I’m on anti depressants now and sleeping tablets as my anxiety got so bad I couldn’t function. It’s not normal to live with emotional deprivation and over time your body can go into hyper vigilance which is a horrific experience.

I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me grow up even though I’m 51. She’s expensive but she got me to say the words to me husband that I was calling time on things within 3 sessions and I felt more heard with her than I have with 20 years with my husband. She gets it and it’s so validating to hear someone say, you’re normal! It’s ok to want someone who loves you the way you want to be loved.

take good care of yourself. Literally, no one else will so you’ve got a job to do. If he wants to keep working let him. It seems to be what they’re made for. I’ve accepted it mostly now. He’s never going to change so it’s time to stop the incompatibility. We both might be happier.

With love to you OP, you are allowed to take space up in this life. To need things, to do things that are for you and to do this, on occasion, ahead of doing something for others. Go and claim your space - you get one life and you can see clearly now what is needed and what is missing. That doesn’t make your husband a terrible person, it just means the life you have now, and him in it, aren’t right for you to meet your needs and create happiness.

OP, I really understand how you must be feeling and I'm sorry as it's a lonely place ❤️ I was in a marriage where my husband took pleasure in ignoring me crying. Sometimes he'd comfort me if it was nothing to do with him (a bereavement or something at work) but if he'd upset me, he would walk out or turn the other way in bed every time without fail. Similar to what you have said. if he wanted to talk, I was expected to be all ears. Whereas he'd start laughing if I tried to tell him about my day because it was "so boring". Complained about not enough sex when our son was a newborn "you're my wife" as if that was all I was good for.

I reckon my ex had narcissistic personality disorder for the above and a plethora of other reasons. I'm not saying this about your husband, I do not know him, but the ignoring you when upset thing is a red flag to me. I don't know much about dismissive avoidant behaviour so well aware it could be something like that too. Either way, his behaviour is toxic and unreasonable.

I think if you want to, you should try to talk to him about it and offer the chance to change. That's what I did and he completely f*cked it. You deserve happiness, you're not a robot designed for someone else's pleasure. Wishing you all the best 💐❤️

Even after they cheated I stayed and forgave and wanted to work it out.

You don't need to take responsibility for yourself, you're already doing that. You need to respect yourself.

You deserve love and respect, kindness and support from friends and family and partners. Just like you give to them.

But you won't get it unless you first respect yourself.

If you think yourself worthy of good treatment, you don't forgive cheating - you get angry and remove yourself from the person who treated you so badly and with so little respect that they couldn't even say the words "it's over", not even by text, before they shagged someone else.

I am an assertive person. And I do those things you say. But it's met with eye rolls and don't be so sensitive. It's just a joke etc. or a double down on me not being able to take constructive criticism.

Your family are bullying you. The children have learned it from their father.

I am definitely lost about who I am. And that is part of the problem - I don't know what I want anymore.

This is the effect of emotional abuse.

I don't see anything much to like in your husband, let alone love.

When there's something wrong he treats people like a robot that has malfunctioned and if you don't immediately fix yourself he gets angry. That's not "showing he cares", it's being an arsehole.

Someone who "loves you in their own way" is someone who doesn't love you. It's a cop out phrase. I had it too, it's bullshit.

I left and was instantly happier because there's nothing so lonely as being in a room with someone who is ignoring you. As soon as I had my own place I felt better. I had to work through my shite and eventually got back to being myself truly without wearing a mask around people. That took a while. Even straight away though, I had freedom. Freedom to make mistakes without punishment, to do what I wanted when I wanted, to make decisions based on what was best for me not someone else. It's honestly great. I regret the decade I lost to him.

I've been single a while and have decided to stay single unless someone really fantastic comes along. I'm not interested in internet dating, it feels fake to me and too many just using it for hookups.

I'm not putting any effort in to "being datable" if you see what I mean, not trying to appeal to anyone. My life is about me now. I've got my hobbies and interests, my personal style and the things I like doing/talking about (that sounds restrictive but isn't, I'm open to trying new things, but there's things I don't do eg debate politics). If people think I'm boring, shallow or they don't like how I look - that's fine, they're not me, not living my life and they don't have to be around me.

I'm friends now with people who accept me as I am, no more pushing down my emotions to maintain the friendship/relationship. No more biting my tongue. I don't argue with people, but if they piss me off I consider whether I want to see them again and if I don't then I don't. I don't bother with trying to work out whether it's justified or rational or reasonable, I just consider that this is my life and I don't want to live it surrounded by people who upset me.

I've dated - and stayed true to myself. Letting the other person decide if they want to be in the relationship or not, same as I've decided that about them. I haven't done anything to try to keep someone (something I initially found hard and panic inducing), I've stood my ground when I haven't wanted to do something and if it ends the relationship so be it. If I want out, I haven't accepted their offers to change if I stay. If they'd wanted to change they'd have done so when I first raised the issue of xyz making me unhappy, so I know it's hollow words and empty promises.

It's simple now. Would I treat someone I love the way they're treating me. If the answer is no, I'm out of there.

I'm picking up elements of arrogance and a kind of polite, unspoken misogyny from your husband's description. I'm married to a similar type and, as a person who needs emotional connection, find this kind of dismissive, disinterested behaviour isolating - at times it can be abjectly cruel.

My husband went to an all boys school and, like many others on this thread, never really seemed to progress much beyond schoolboy banter - he's a high earner too, possibly autistic and also treats me like a prostitute in the bedroom. He has a long list of hobbies, interests, work commitments and friends, all of which sit higher on his priority list than I do. Nevertheless, by all measurable accounts he's a good father and most people view him as a thoroughly good-natured, decent chap.

I've found this thread sadly enlightening and hope you have at least found some solidarity from posting. Looks like many of us will be weighing up the pros and cons of our relationships going forward, wishing you a happy future whatever path you decide, OP x

It sounds to me as though you are adapting to his behaviours - you said before you were emotionally open with previous partners and got hurt, but you at least have that ability. I suspect when you healed you tried to become more intimate and find emotional/intellectual connection and were forced back. With my avoidant ex he said he had "never had conversations about such deep things with women before" when we were talking about what we would like to do in retirement for eg (both 40s) which was quite surprising to me. As time went on I realised I was feeling more and more awkward about being the one going to hold his hand, suggesting sex, trying to find out about what made him tick and his past etc, because he would try to shut it down or act as if it was a chore. The day we split he walked away from me crying too, and didn't turn around even when I called out after him. It is avoidance and the typical cycle for me would be he would ignore me for days if I had crossed some invisible line. This time I beat him to it and broke it off rather than going through the cycle of worrying when he clearly didn't care about me.

I actually think if you left you would find more time for you and refind your emotional side. You seem still half closed and as if you want to feel the depth of a proper connection again but you are scared it doesn't exist. I can't say I found it with a man myself, but I do look back and thank my lucky stars I took myself out of that cycle of stonewalling and emotionally draining confusion.

If you’re staying for financial security - 18 years is a long time, have you built any financial security of your own in the meantime?

It’s a very personal choice, I can’t see myself staying in a relationship for convenience because I deal very, very badly with emotional neglect. However I know people who did, rode the wave and things smoothed over around retirement age because the husband started relying on the wife a lot more. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to live out your life like this.

It feels like this will all be a big revelation to him when you come out with it. I suggest writing him a very honest, frank letter, with all of your emotions written down. Get him to really sit and digest the emotions you have and what hes doing wrong. Then ask for him to discuss it with you. If he rises to the challenge and is sympathetic - seeing it as a make or break, and choosing "make it" there is a path forward.

If he shruggs it off and dismisses you - you have to leave him, or find a way to keep peace with continuing to live this way.

I just want to say ignore the self pity comments. You don't sound like that at all, just trying to figure out why your so unhappy. Those kind of comments are not helpful.

This is really sad. Can you go therapy just you and as a couple?

I think this is marriage after 20 odd years for most people if they admit it.
Puppy love is how nature fools us to hook up with someone to ensure suvival of the species. Every couple ends up bored or getting on each other's nerves or they start having affairs. It's up to you and your circumstances what you do next.