Anyone else feeling like a prostitute in their marriage?

@Londonisthebestcityintheworld

How are you doing OP?

I'm getting "he's 50-75% selfish, but with impeccable manners and 25-50% empathy". Which admittedly is better than being 100% selfish and a total arsehole. Whether that's good enough only you can decide.

I'd definitely stop having sex until you stop feeling like a prostitite.

Part of that, in case you haven't realised, is coming from you OP. You've literally chosen, so far, to stick with an unhappy marriage "for the money" and the lifestyle it brings. You said that. I know that's not the same as hanging out on street corners and doing it with strangers for £20 a pop, but I can totally see how what you're doing is not that dissimilar in mindset and will be feeding into how you're feeling.

Sex complicates things. I makes you bond with people, if you're a woman. Oxytocin and all that. So stop, take away the emotional turmoil it's currently creating. He's not an intrinsically horrible person (just a man, raised by society to put himself first). His reaction to all this has been to make an effort (albeit for his own ends) and not to become abusive or to double down on current abuse. He's being honest, not manipulative, even though honesty hasn't painted him in the best light and has shone a spotlight on his selfish streak. So he's not going to be messing up your head deliberately so you can't think straight then, like the abusive ones do. If you take the prostitution feeling out of the equation I think you'll be able to see things a lot clearer.

You'll either be left with a situation where you feel like he's your best friend and you want to shag him (so, a "relationship" then). Or you'll end up feeling like he's a really good housemate and pal, but you've no desire to get into bed with him, because the emotional intimacy that's necessary for you to enjoy it just isn't there. In which case you either both take lovers and live your own lives whilst remaining together or you split up.

Thank you, I didn't expect my post to resonate so much but I am glad if it is at all helpful! 💗

The way I see it, a lot depends on how you interpret his behaviour. So far, you seem inclined to view it as selfish, which could be unfair (sorry, hard to tell!) as he may well feel that he's expressing his care for you in the only ways he knows how.

That doesn't mean you have to accept this as your fate, if you find it soul-destroying to stay with someone who has such difficulty demonstrating his emotional connection to you.

I think you have lots to talk about, and he has got the ball rolling...!

We did have another chat last night where I asked him why he brought it up. He said, he knew me not talking about it was too good to be true and that I hadn't forgotten. He said he felt the tension and doesn't function well when he knows I'm hurt. So his outreach was about his discomfort more than my own...

That's one way of looking at it... another is that he notices and minds when you are upset, enough to put himself through an emotionally difficult conversation.

The fact that he is acutely aware of your feelings, whether you express them or not, is a really positive aspect of his relationship to you, and not one to be taken for granted. I've been in many relationships where my feelings were not noticed at all, not listened to when expressed, and simply did not matter.

Whether he is able to convey his caring in a way that makes enough difference to you is another question!

I think you both need to talk more about all this, until you understand each other better. Of course, you might still decide that he simply isn't wired up to give you the emotional connection you need, and that you are basically incompatible. But there seems to be a lot there to work with, that it would be a shame to throw away just yet.

So much of your post resonated with me, OP. I'm glad you two have had an open conversation now, but careful not to let it slip back into the previous pattern.

I was in a relationship with a man like this prior to meeting my DH. Comparing the two is like night and day.

It nearly destroyed me / my sense of self-worth. I was always made to feel needy. My husband now says he doesn't find me particularly needy at all. In reality, I think he's just capable of meeting those needs - we are compatible.

I would seriously consider whether you are just with the wrong person. I know it's not easy to 'just leave', but you could choose a different life to this, if you wanted. You might even meet another man who treats you differently. Or equally be happy being single and not feeling like a prostitute (which sounds terribly traumatic).

I think what you have written here, and in previous posts, shows that your husband deeply respects and cares for you, but perhaps has been brought up to believe that the only way of showing it is to be a solid provider (good finances, satisfying sex) and the rest he can leave to you.

The fact that he invited an intense, uncomfortable conversation shows his commitment to making things work. Whether he can change in the ways you need him to remains to be seen, but in my view respect is the absolute cornerstone of love. It matters a million times more than romance.

Earlier, you wrote:
He puts a lot of energy into the things that interest him.
I'm just not one of those things.

He might view his life as a series of plates to spin, things that need to be kept running smoothly, and he has so far relied on you to keep yourself running smoothly if that makes sense? It's possible that he too feels like a performing robot in many ways, but accepts that as normal, so expects you to do the same. Aaaahhhhh, the emotional cruelty and damage of middle-class conventions - the stiff upper lip, the prioritisation of work status!

It's great that he's opened real communication with you about this. It's not the solution, but it's a step towards one. It sounds as though you have a good man, although whether he is the ideal man for you remains to be seen. Good luck OP 💗

Everything you say is valid. You must also know that there are flaws in everyone and every relationship. That’s not to say you shouldn’t leave, but I think it’s important you do so with your eyes wide open.

You mention a history of PPD. Is it possible that your hormones are also affecting you now? I only ask as you’ve had a long marriage, much of which sounds happy and successful (on the whole). For me, I know my feelings towards my husband change with most cycles. It’s really difficult and I hate how affected I am. At times of the month I hate him with every bone in my body, at others, I love him to pieces and feel fully content. Are you menopausal? How’s your mental health otherwise?

The thing that jumped out to me is the sex. If you feel used, don’t do it. You don’t ever owe him sex and if it’s making you feel sad, then I’d suggest stopping it for now.

Just seen your update OP. Maybe you need more relationship counselling. Perhaps it took a while for the last lot to percolate through his brain into consciousness and start to affect his behaviour. Changing yourself isn't instant, it takes time. There seems to have been a shift in him though, for the better? Some men have sixth sense for when we're about to walk away, I find. So this could just be that and he could just be doing the bare minimum to keep you around, then will revert to type once you decide to stay (and he senses that energy shift within you). But if he raised the issue instead ignoring it like usual until you raised it, it doesn't seem like it's that, to me.

Do you perhaps both need individual counselling as well as relationship counselling too? I realise it might be costly, but your marriage is (apart from the existence of your DC) the most important thing in your life, so worth it if you can find the funds somehow. Maybe if you can both heal childhood wounds you could come together as new "upgraded" people and the marriage might work better. If he's had a bit of a mindset shift, pulling out all the stops to try to make it work might be worth another try? And if you do end up splitting, the counselling will see you in a healthier starting place for the next relationship. Plus you'd be co parenting with him if you split so the better you both understand each other, the better you'd be able to get along.

If you do leave the "good thing" that's out there isn't necessary another marriage, although it might be, you can't guarantee it. The "good thing" is the freedom that comes with being single and the ability that gives you to truly look after yourself and not have your personality squashed down by, or have your feelings dismissed by, anyone else ever again. The only bad option is staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. Better to be happy single than in a miserable relationship IMO.

Whoever said about long term marriage bad for women, I've begun to think this too.

Being single, I can date whoever I like and bin them off when they get to the point where I'm being taken for granted. It almost helps in a way, knowing that this is the likely outcome of any relationship I enter into. It may be good for years, but it always seems to happen eventually that the romance stops and the complacency starts. And I know it's downhill all the way from there, so best to bail out early.

I've even wondered am I addicted to the honeymoon phase of a relationship? But then I think no, it's just that I value myself enough not to tolerate being treated like an afterthought. Why should I come below work, below other relatives (excluding children), below hobbies etc in his list of priorities? I'm supposed to be his partner, his number 1, as he is for me.

There wouldn't even be a honeymoon phase of relationships if men (because I think it is mostly men that do this) didn't act fake to "get you" in the first place. The whole reason for dating them is because of thinking they're an easy-going, tactile, exercise loving, gregarious, fun guy, who has his shit together, cares about others and takes care of his own health too. Then they start feeling comfortable in the relationship, secure in the knowledge that you love them and slowly drop the act, until what's left bears little resemblance to the person you first dated. If they didn't do this, if they were their true honest selves from the start, most of these relationships wouldn't make it past a few weeks or months.

So I've concluded it's not me, it's them. If they want to put on an act to "catch me" they better be prepared to keep it up for the rest of their life, because otherwise I'll be gone.

One of the earliest signs, I think, is the "where's my xyz". I don't know what it is about that question but it brings something out in people, something bad. It's totally fine to ask someone else if they've seen whatever it is, maybe they have. But when does it subtly change into "where's my..." as if the other person has responsibility for knowing this information? Why does it become ok, at some point, to start stomping around in a huff because they can't find their xyz and they want/need it right now and don't have time to search for it? When did putting their own stuff away and taking responsibility for it's whereabouts suddenly become the responsibility of someone else and nothing to do with them? And why, as women, do we fall into "mother mode" even if we're not one yet, and start searching for their xyz and thinking of places they might have put it? Why do we accept this outsourcing of responsibility and mental load (of remembering where they put it) by them onto us? I've started to say "I don't know" and to help search for it only if I'm asked nicely, don't mind and have time.

This is interesting. From this post, would you rather be with someone who lies to you during sex and tells you he loves you or with someone who you say you know loves you and says it to you other times except during sex?

Have you told him you need him to do this? It's clear that sex to you is emotional and intimate, and sex to him is purely physical and perhaps intimacy during sex is uncomfortable or awkward for him. It is like that with a lot of women and men.

But if you communicate that you need him to be more intimate with you during sex and tell him specifically what you want, could he start showing it without you constantly reminding him? If not, it's one of the places you're incompatible and you'll need to decide if it's something you can live with. Sadly.

@Londonisthebestcityintheworld OP I've read some of your posts so far and I can say it's like an emotional roller coaster. No wonder you're feeling this way and confused.

On one hand, your DH sounds great from what you say. On another hand, he sounds awful. So basically he's human?

From what you've written, it seems to me that he has his strengths and weaknesses like everyother person but the issue is that his weaknesses (his faults/where he fails) is the one place that happens to be your love language. Unfortunately for both of you.

So he can be great in every other way but if he's not meeting your love language, then you'll have an empty love tank. And vice versa from you to him too. That's why you feel this way despite still liking him and saying he's great.

Unfortunately it won't change. Everyone has their love language and if it's not met, you'll never feel loved or satisfied. You'll always yearn for love because it's not been given (in the way you receive love). Not intentionally by someone. Equally everyone has their way of giving love and most aren't able to intentionally show/give love a different way from how they naturally are in order to meet someone else's needs. Again it doesn't necessarily make them bad people.

You have deep emotions and he has shallow emotions. Not compatible.

He has strong practical skills so he meets your needs that way. Compatible.

It's now up to you to decide if you can live with your emotional needs not being met. Judging by the way you feel, I'd say no but judging by the practical aspect of your marriage which you're happy with, I'd say it's going to be one of the hardest decisions you'd make.

Stay and be happy but emotionally miserable or leave and be okay emotionally (unless you find a way to fulfil that emotional ache in order to be happy) but maybe not okay in other ways.

Unfortunately not great options either way so you have to decide the option you can live with and without.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I know it's not an easy place to be.

This was exactly me, i left after 24 years and honestly wish I hadnt left it that long as it turned into resentment and then turned toxic

When I say it's confusing it's because he shows up in many ways - never ever questions any of my choices, supports my hobbies, supports my work and friendships, is happy to hire help and I can go away anytime and he'll sort out the kids. He cooks, he cleans, he asks about my day every single day. He's not useless

I'm going to go against the grain here. He sounds great in so many ways. I mean, you can of course leave for any reason you want, but you may not find all of the above in another man, let alone this deep emotional connection you're looking for. Most men are (imo) quite practical and surface level. The very deep ones tend to be artists, singers, poets etc, generally broke and utterly useless at doing stuff at home, as they're following some pipe dream. And they certainly wouldn't be looking after some other guys kids!

There are lots of trade offs if you do leave. How would your finances be? How do you feel about schlepping the kids between two homes? How do you feel about spending some birthdays/Christmases alone, because your kids are at his house? How do you feel about him meeting another woman, and the kids spending time with her? I've done this, and let me tell you it's utterly soul destroying. It took my daughter years and years to recover.

I left my first H due to constant cheating, so I didn't have much choice, but it's a hard path to walk. I did find someone else. He's much better as he is loyal, but no men, imo are as deep as you seem to need. They are similar animals.

I have 3 wonderful single friends. They are solvent, beautiful, have their own homes and good jobs ....not one of them has been able to find a decent man. And they have been looking for years and years! On line dating is brutal.

Re your teens taking the mickey....it's what teens do, they don't see you as another human being, you are just "mum". Mine were the same. They are late 20's now, and completely different people, who connect with me in a completely different way.

Long story short, I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You had the connection before kids came along, so it is there. Go out for dates. Connect. Talk. Try everything you can before throwing a hand grenade into your life.

Op Would it be wise to say to him when he wants sex that you are not going to give in and explain to him that you want more love and connection as you have described in this thread.

This is really such good advice. I wish I had done this.
All the best, OP💐