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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I a bad person?

55 replies

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 10:21

I feel like I’m going crazy. My life has slowly turned upside down.

I genuinely thought I was doing what was right for my family.

4 children / unmarried / approaching together 17 years / engaged but have been for around 14 years - life was so busy before. We relocated numerous times for work.

i would love to cut down my work hours to spend more time with my 4 young children. We are spending so much on convience, have poor sleep and diet because there just isn’t enough time. PIL live local and they help with childcare.

Partner got a massive (to us) unexpected inheritance which would’ve harnessed an income of interest (at current rate) more than my salary but instead bought a house for his parents (we still have a mortgage) where they live rent free despite having very good pensions (I used to really get on with them). The whole situation has driven a wedge between me and them. They are really nice people but now I know what my partner prioritises I have given up on our relationship and it is crumbling.

the inheritance is his money, I get it. It just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m beginning to worry about my future if I stay in this situation.

I am not a very successful in terms of my salary. I can just afford to get by if I were to separate.

There is a lot of friction at the moment because I have cut him off the way I can - no effort or time from me. That’s all I have to give and I’m done giving it away.

one of his parents are ill and he thinks I’m unreasonable for not taking days off or switching around my rota to care for them - drive them to appointments as they don’t drive anymore. It is also an issue of childcare - if they are together at appointments and waiting on buses or taxis the other can’t be taking care of the children. I told him to take time off work. He won’t. I already do the majority of childcare And I can’t afford to lose my job or the income.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 18:20

@HazelMember

l always said I wouldn’t be having children until I was married but really only because it was what people did. I grew up in a family with nothing so marriage was never mentioned or a big thing. I got engaged and I was so young - I didn’t really think there was any reason it wouldn’t happen.

my last pregnancy was unplanned - only mentioned as before that we had bought our first home. It then became unpractical with us all and the children and all their things. But it was after this his parents got to pick the house that was perfect for them.

OP posts:
HazelMember · 03/02/2026 17:43

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:26

@Stompythedinosaur I absolutely do not want to give up work, I enjoy it but for everyone’s sakes I would like to reduce my hours. My children are also needing a bit more stability. We are both so tired all the time and are struggling. His parents are lovely people but my children do spend a lot of their time in front of the tv and tablet there. It’s like party time with no real routine or structure. The children are also desperate to start after school activities that their friends do.

we do own our own home. Bought preinheritance (it really was unexpected) and before I unexpectedly fell pregnant. We are bursting at the seams here. It was to get on the ladder. His parents went to view one house, said they wanted it and within two months it was done and dusted. In a house where we are on top of each other, sharing rooms which i know doesn’t harm anyone but they have spare bedrooms and a living room each where they are.

with my children at times I was absolutely crumbling and was always told in other words to just get on with it, he needed to keep earning. I wasn’t given any support but his parents were. At times his parents did really help out and he has told me in arguments that they are the reliable ones so they get looked after.

Edited

You said you unexpectedly fell pregnant. With all four children?

Did the marriage discussion never happen?

There is nothing in it for him to marry you - he gets everything he wants without any commitment - sex, children etc

PullingOutHair123 · 03/02/2026 17:34

I think you need to protect your future.

You need to be financially independent of him.

How you achieve that - the obvious way is to leave him.

Good luck - I think you will need it, but the benefit will far out weigh the risk of staying together.

Bonkers1966 · 03/02/2026 17:23

That's a scary read. So sorry this happened. You need to hold on to that job at all costs because the writing may be on the wall for this relationship. Very carefully start organising and splitting your personal paperwork and the kids certs etc. Just in case. What the hell was going through his head? Does he care about you at all except as an unpaid carer for parents?

Hhhwgroadk · 03/02/2026 17:07

If you separate from him you will be entitled to child maintenance. You will be better off. Council tax will be less as children are not included. Food bills will be less, water, electric will also be cheaper without him. You might be entitled to childcare. Speak to Womens' Aid, as he is abusive verbally, about all your worries regarding help with expenses.

TessSaysYes · 03/02/2026 16:52

Putting you and his family second is not right. Especially as his parents have good pensions as you say.

I think your relationship may be in serious jeopardy, unless he can switch some brain cells on.

Sorry for the question, but is there a cultural side to this, where you as the mother of the children don't command very much esteem? I can think of some non European/British cultures where this is often the case...if I'm totally wrong apologies.

Proccy · 03/02/2026 16:40

You said can just about cope on your salary if you leave him. There's your answer, go as soon as you can arrange it

Enrichetta · 03/02/2026 15:59

Here you are, bringing up 4 children without any security other than your share in the house you live in. You have jeopardised your career, your earnings capacity, your career progression, your pension…… all for the sake of a man who has other priorities and doesn’t even want to marry you.

And yet, you are asking whether you are ‘a bad person’ (whatever that is?!) because you want to hang on to the tiny bit of independence you have retained. Can you not see that this is all kinds of wrong?

Please, please put your own interests ahead of all the shit he wants you to do. You are nearly 40 - where do you think you will be in 20-30 years time? What can you do to make sure you regain some of the ground you have lost?

Who will take care of you in your old age? It’s unlikely to be him, is it…

Uhghg · 03/02/2026 15:06

Why not leave so that the house will be sold and then at least you’ll have your part of it?

Candlestickinthediningroom · 03/02/2026 14:14

Absolutely do not reduce your hours. If anything you need to reduce your hours at home. He has made it clear that you are not financial equals. That's fine. But all home "work" must now be split equally to allow you time and energy to improve your own financial situation. We can't possibly know what his intentions are but a bit of reality testing means that the worst case scenario is that you spend your best earning years doing all of the physical and emotional labour for his children AND his parents and then he gets to walk away with all of his assets, the adulation of his parents and kids and you walk away with a worse salary, a poorer pension and half the equity of a small, inadequate home.

You CAN NOT rely on him for anything. You will need to remove yourself from all caring duties for his parents, half of the things you do around the house and focus entirely on finding a way to pay off any debt and save and maximise your earnings potential.

FairyBatman · 03/02/2026 14:00

You must not reduce your hours and your income further for this clown.

The less income you have the more you will be beholden to him.

You need to start forcing his hand so ‘I will reduce my hours when we are married’

Make sure that all the children’s expenses come from the joint account, and that you are paying in fairly.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:56

@Uhghg he says I can do whatever I want
and he’s happy for me to cut my hours…

but then I’m even more dependent on someone I don’t really feel wants me, just wants me there
but my kids would have a better home life

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:53

@Enrichetta

i could just scrape by if I get to stay in the home. It would be hard with no frills. No UC probably as I jointly own the house.

OP posts:
Uhghg · 03/02/2026 13:48

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:34

@Uhghg

well to be fair I’d rather be there for my own children and could’ve done so for the next four years if you compared my salary to the car he bought himself. They are nice people and they provide childcare but we are at a point where they need structure, homework needs done, they need a set bedtime.

He still wants me to reduce my hours nonetheless… apparently we will find a way to make it work.

He wants you to reduce your hours or doesn’t want you to reduce your hours?

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:37

@CantThinkofaNam how would you proceed?

genuinely interested. Right now I’m stuck. I’m turning 40 soon and want to turn things around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:34

@Uhghg

well to be fair I’d rather be there for my own children and could’ve done so for the next four years if you compared my salary to the car he bought himself. They are nice people and they provide childcare but we are at a point where they need structure, homework needs done, they need a set bedtime.

He still wants me to reduce my hours nonetheless… apparently we will find a way to make it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:22

@yeriknow

no cultural issues. Neither of us actually from wealth which is why that was a massive surprise/shock. He has told me that he thinks his family are ‘classier’ than mine so I think subconsciously he thinks I’m not worth anything to him. Well outwardly because he’s said it.

he does like being viewed as the golden boy/child. I think that might have something to do with it. And they honestly worship the ground he walks on!

OP posts:
CantThinkofaNam · 03/02/2026 13:22

Enrichetta · 03/02/2026 10:45

Where to start… You are a low earner, and yet you chose to fave FOUR children without being married.

Time to put yourself first.

Can you be financially self sufficient - if you work full time and he pays maintenance?

If not, what can you do to get yourself to a place where you are not dependent on him? Seeing that he clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Whatever you do, stop digging yourself into this hole where you have no agency over your own life.

This. 4 kids, not married and just a whole lot of bad decisions on your part.

Uhghg · 03/02/2026 13:21

So you want him to have spent the inheritance on buying your home, so that you can work less hours?

Sorry OP but you’re coming across as quite selfish.
You can’t just reduce your hours because you want to be at home more - life doesn’t work like that.

I’m not sure where your PIL we’re living before but it sounds as though they were renting and so it makes sense that he invests the money into buying them somewhere so that he’ll get it back eventually and they’re not spending their pension paying high rent (although he has to be careful about care home fees).

But you admit that it’s driven a wedge between you and the PIL, even though you say how nice they are and they give you free childcare.

Pay for childcare like everyone else does if you’ve got such a problem with them.

yeriknow · 03/02/2026 13:15

Are there cultural issues at play here?

The buying the house for parents etc suggests to me possibly an Asian family?

Are you from the same culture?

I’m not sure how to resolve it as he doesn’t sound very reasonable (the “be good” comment would really irk me).

Do you want to stay with him?

If not, run some figures through child maintenance calculator, add it to your salary, see if you are eligible for universal credit or anything?

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:08

@BauhausOfEliott brutal but thank you for replying.

im so conflicted, i feel like i might be the problem. His life is good because he tried and he makes the best of bad situations. I have the life i have because of the choices i made and I’m scared I don’t have anything to look forward to but struggle if I push back against him.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 03/02/2026 13:05

OP, this man is not a good man. He’s treating you like shit. He doesn’t love you and you deserve so much better than this. He’s using you as an unpaid housekeeper and personal assistant. He’s abusive.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:01

@MynameisJune all bills from joint account.

@andthat yes, own our home together.

i don’t know why he thinks i would take his money, he didn’t ever have that much himself and we were together so many years. He is a much higher earner than me but was filling up his pension and splashing out on labelled clothes whilst the kids had second hand prams. I’ve never been all about the money.

OP posts:
canisquaeso · 03/02/2026 12:58

Whatever you decide to do (leaving in the reasonable option after this long), please don’t drive around for them! It will be a thankless job.

I know at least two situations of partners who went above and beyond, one of them particularly as her partner had passed away so she was just being extra supportive of the in laws… she was the only person excluded from the will even though realistically she was the one in greater need.

Like I said, thankless situation. Look after yourself and your children first.

MynameisJune · 03/02/2026 12:54

Do you both pay into the mortgage and have always done so? Can you prove that you’ve payed into the mortgage? So you paid directly to the mortgage account from your bank/joint account and not into his account that he then paid into the mortgage.

I can see this man turning nasty when you try to leave and trying to make sure you end up with nothing from the house.