I'm really worried about how small my life has become.
I'm 50. DH. 2 DC 12 & 14.
Through my 20s and 30s, I was so sociable. I had lots of friends and was always socialising. I was young, full of life, endlessly smiling. I went travelling independently all over the world. I simultaneously did really well in my career and progressed to a senior position really quickly. My life was filled with social invites, doing fun things with groups of friends, city breaks to Barcelona, Venice, Florence. Weekends spent in London at the theatre and in bars/restaurants, staying in beautiful hotels.
Fast forward to now.
My entire life has shrunk. I no longer see any of those friends. I've lost touch with them all.
My whole life now is working during school hours and parenting every other minute of the day. DH works insanely long hours but is earning a very average salary, which means I do everything at home - child caring, homework, taking DC to/from clubs, housework, cleaning, tidying, laundry, endlessly seeing to DC's needs. DH doesn't get home till 8:30pm every night. So every day is get up, DH leaves for work at 8am, get DC ready for school, this takes phenomenal work because DS has adhd with time blindness and poor working memory and poor executive function so trying to get him ready for school and out of the house on time is a struggle every day, if it was left to him he'd eventually get to school around midday, and DD will invariably have an emotional meltdown because she isn't coping with school due to her SEN so she requires a counselling session every morning just to get her in to school. Then I take them to school, go straight to work, work in a really demanding, draining job, rush home from work just in time for DC to get in from school, make them food, tidy the kitchen from the mess it was left in earlier, tidy up generally, put clothes away etc, take them both to their clubs, bring them home, cook dinner, clear up after dinner, support DS who needs to offload on to me every day about struggling at school, struggling in lessons, struggling with friendship dynamics, struggling with anxiety, so he talks and talks to me about his feelings and emotions and non stop friendship difficulties and constantly asks for my advice about various different situations - he needs so much emotional support. And then DD starts talking to me about all her struggles at school and her friendship dramas. I'm emailing school regularly to engage with them about both DC struggling and that feels like an uphill battle trying to get school to listen to me. I get the feeling they're deluged with struggling children. But because my 2 are quiet and well behaved and polite they're not getting prioritised by school which is making the burden greater for me as I'm constantly having to email them, go in for meetings, and then chase up all the actions they said they'd put in place but which never materialise. And then the homework battle begins and because of DDs severe SEN she cannot do homework independently, but gets detention if it isn't completed, so I have to sit and teach her homework to her and it takes soooo long to get through (year 7). Often results in her crying because she just doesn't understand the work and ultimately I am not a teacher. Homework is swallowing up every evening. I'm talking 2 hours of teaching her homework which would take 30 mins for another kid to complete. Then I'm getting them into bed. DS takes continuous prompting because he veers off task at every turn "Get your bag and books ready for the morning" "Ok" 30 minutes later find him in a world of his own daydreaming out of the window or looking at a book but no bag packed. "Pick your uniform up off the floor" "Oh yeah sorry I was in a rush, ok I will" but it never gets picked up so needs constant reminding. His intention is there but he cannot stay on task. And then DD's bedtime anxiety starts. Every single evening. Tears, upset, cuddles needed, calming strategies, relaxation techniques, takes me about 2 hours to settle her.
I collapse on my bed mentally drained and exhausted.
This is my life every single day.
My DC are both genuinely wonderful, they both have such gorgeous characters, they are worth every second of investment, but the level of time and input and support they both require is on another level.
And my job is manically busy and mentally demanding. And that's another thing - I've gone backwards in terms of career progression since becoming a mum instead of forwards. I was flying in my career in my 20s, more senior then than I am now!! Because I couldn't handle both. I couldn't fulfill a senior position, plus look after 2 high need DC, plus be stuck at home doing everything by myself every day whilst DH works till 8:30pm daily.
I don't go anywhere. I don't see anyone. I've lost countless long standing friends because I simply don't have any time to give to friendships. That hurts a bit; I've been dropped by what I thought were good friends because of my low level contact when I've explained to them why. I've reached out recently with explanations as to why I've been off the radar and have been ignored. But I have to accept that if friends don't hear from me and then don't respond when I do reach out then that's my fault. But I'm sad about it.
I've lost all my self confidence. It's vanished.
I've become so withdrawn and unsure of myself.
At least when DC were at primary school I used to enjoy the daily school run chit chat with other mums and often at pick up that would turn into spontaneous play dates where I'd have coffee with the mums. I enjoyed that. But since my youngest started secondary in September, that's all gone now and I don't even see school parents anymore. DC too old now for playdates whilst mums chat over coffee! Those mums still have younger DC still at primary so they all still see each other after school runs and I'm now out of the loop.
Been awake since 3am and made the mistake of looking on Facebook at old friends. Blimey. What a world I'm missing out on. Exotic holidays. Cruise ship trips to celebrate 50th birthdays. Groups of friends away together in France, London, Cornwall to celebrate various things. Endless party pictures all dressed up in beautiful dresses. Helicopter rides. Horseriding. Posts about their brilliant career progression. Pictures of massive beautiful houses. Friends glowing with happiness and prosperity in every picture.
Meanwhile we're just about managing to cover the food bill, camping for our annual holiday, live in a ridiculously tiny house too small for our needs, can't afford to pay for a cleaner to help me out, and I keep having visual images flashing into my mind where I'm upright in a deep pool of water and my head submerges below the water surface and I'm sinking down under the water with my eyes squeezed tightly closed. I'm trying to get up to the surface but I cant. The water is too heavy. I'm seeing this image multiple times a day.
How did my life become so small?