Worried about my small life

oh Op. That last image you describe is very intense and really shows your situation. You have a lot in your plate. Your husband needs to step up. Also, does your kids’ school have a counsellor? Else I’d go to GP to refer your kids to some kind of talk therapy. Finally, deep breath in. You have oxygen around you. Don’t be too hard and Id avoid fb if it stresses you. Remember everyone is mostly showing their highlights on there.

Your husband needs to find a different job, either with better hours or better pay to make this worthwhile (so you can afford some extra help and can have time to yourself, to reconnect with friends or focus on your career again if that’s what you want).
also why is he not the one settling DD to bed if he’s home at 8-30?

Yes you need some more boundaries and to value yourself a bit more. You are not just other people’s support human. If you carry on like this you will burn out and then where will they all be? Your need your own oxygen mask on.

Frank conversation with DH where you tell him you can’t go on like this. Things need to change and he needs to step up to some responsibilities with his own kids to give you a break.

Are the DC as effectively treated as they can be? Is DS medicated for ADHD? Does it need adjusting? Is DD having any services or support and should she be referred for any?

Time limit on discussions about friendships etc. eg 30 mins. It does not seem as though ruminating over all this endlessly is constructive. Can’t you say you will listen but only for 30 mins each.

Time limit on homework. Just one attempt to finish it within say an hour and whatever is not done by the end leave it. If you give school a false impression of what they can achieve due to so much support from you they won’t see what the real needs are.

Once you have taken some of your time and energy back by boundaries and sharing the load then you might feel able to put some positive stuff back in for you like yoga or an exercise or art class or whatever floats your boat. You really need some time for you. And it is a need. Why can everyone else have needs and not you?

OP I read something recently and it really stuck with me- it was in relation to your kids only being young once and it said but you’re only this young once too. This is no life for you and clearly it’s having a massive impact on you, somethings got to change. You sound like an amazing, incredibly selfless mum but you are losing yourself.

What sort of job does your DH do? Is there any potential for him to get a job where he doesn’t get home so late? It sounds like you are massively bearing the brunt of the childcare and everything that comes with that, whilst holding down a full time job as well.

Speak to school about the homework and the impact this is having at home. This isn’t productive for your daughter and I’m sure all the upset over homework isn’t helping with the bedtime anxiety.

Sorry if I’m overstepping here but it sounds like you also need to have a bit more boundaries with your children. Of course you want to be there to support them but listening to their friendship dramas for hours on end every night is just too much. Without being too harsh, they need to become a bit more resilient to this sort of stuff. You cannot be on hand every evening for hours on end to listen to this, you’re feeding the beast.

Your DH should also look after the kids so you can have a weekend away. I know you said you’ve lost contact with friends and lost your confidence but what about going to a retreat or something like that? There are lots of things like that where I live that people go to as singles or with friends. Or what about joining a book club or running club? You need friends, you’re too young to consign yourself to a life of loneliness and you sound like a really lovely person

Hi op you sound overwhelmed and no wonder
sen children should not be getting detention for not doing homework usually- need to unpick this
if this waa me i would write down and make a plan for each area and try to address it rather n than the whole lot .

you are getting no life ,x

Its not your hormones, its your (absent) husband

I'm guessing your husband is something like being a farmer working on the family farm to be doing anything like those crazy hours but still only earning an average salary.

Let's assume that he is doing actual work for 11.5hrs each day 7 days a week ( so a 1 hr unpaid lunch). If he was on minimum wage, he should be on £53.2k per year but I assume this is not the case and it sounds like he is just being paid a pittance.

If he is a farmer, can he take the kids with him to work at all, particularly at the weekends? I fully appreciate that If he is a farmer it won't be as simple as just get another job. It's like being in another world and no one really gets it unless they are in that industry.

If he is not a farmer, can he get a different job though to help give you some more support?

Also, I know, it sounds trite to say go out to a club or whatever, but from my perspectiveI can’t argue with having to go to the relentless cancer related appointments I have which have to sit inside my already overloaded life, there is time for them because there has to be, I get the sense you would be able to make some time for yourself if you tell your husband you are going out for a couple of hours at the weekend or even just leave your kids on their own which it sounds like they would be able to manage. I know it’s hard but suspect not impossible

You need a tick box list for the kids in the evening, I appreicate these struggles but they do need some level of independence for when they get older.
E.g.

• Book bag sorted
• Uniform picked up
• Homework done
• Teeth done

This. You need to speak to the school's SENDCO. about making reasonable adjustments to DD's homework. To start with it should be something That she can do on her own in a reasonable time. It should also be meaningful.

For DS time management, have you tried visual timers?

The dad can't take over for 2 hours?
I have read the post. And also read all the suggestions to do everything but get husband to step up.This is a DH problem.

Nothing will change unless he helps.

You’re in a particularly difficult phase of parenting with 2 high need kids. On top of this, you’re in a difficult phase of life at 50 with hormones etc, And the world is in a very difficult place with cost of living/doesn’t meet the needs of so many kids, people having to work, ridiculously long hours and not having enough money , rising inequality (not to mention the really serious stuff that’s going in around us with cliemage change, threats from AI and the rise of the far right, the list of threats is long)… for many reasons this is simply not the period which was your 20s, and I think bringing some acceptance to that rather than thinking it shouldn’t be that way would be a good start

it sounds like you are a bit of a perfectionist which is a hard one to stop as it feel’s rewarding but it is punishing and will make you burn out.

Definitely drop the rope on the homework and push back with the school. Considering you are in a difficult phase, you need to start developing boundaries to protect yourself, whether that is simply going out to something lovely a week (book club/choir/whatever you can find) or lowering housework standards or putting boundaries around how long you chat with kids about their anxiety (actually focusing on it can make it worse, as well as better, there is a sweet spot, ) If you don’t do this for yourself, your anxiety will impact your kids anyway ans probably already is

I was in a very similar situation to you for years and ended up being a single parent, my kid has high needs/SEN. Then I got an aggressive form of cancer just over a year ago and have still had to keep everything together. But it has forced me to ask for help and stop being such a perfectionist, it’s hard having to tell him sometimes that I can’t talk because I have to go to sleep, but it’s healthy and I think it’s been good for him to see me practice self-care like that and make time for him at other times of day. I’ve had to accept our home will be a muddle, there will be cat fluff everywhere, and that this is simply a hard time and will (hopefully) pass, and to find moments of joy as equally this might be all there is.

I do have acquaintances who live a far more privileged life than me, but also feel so much for the people who have less; there are mothers like you and me living in Gaza right now, there is unimaginable suffering and pain and I am so lucky in so many ways. Perspective makes a huge difference to your mental health. You are comparing yourself with those more lucky than you, that’s always going to make you feel shit but it’s a choice.

Children also exist at weekends! They have clubs, homework etc. Yes, there are weekends but READ THE OP with some emotional sensitivity - she's utterly burnt out. I have also suggested trying to get out at weekends but leaving your children is NOT always easy (even with another parent) and sometimes it creates more hassles than it's worth. But again, read the OP.

I can go out whenever I like at weekends - with my children. Going out without them is a whole other beast. I do it sometimes, but it's not easy for a myriad of reasons.

WEEKENDS!

OP, I hear you. People with NT children do not understand the level of scaffolding and support our ND children need (almost) every single day. They just don't get it.

Please don't use social media as a barometer - as we all know, people tend to only share the positives. I have many, many friends who look like they are living the dream on social media - they are not immune to marriage trouble, work stress, illness etc.

Things will get easier as your children get older, but please do go back to school (again) and ask for a face to face meeting with your childrens form tutor, head of year, SENCO and head of pastoral care. It is not ok to be spending 2 hours an evening on a 30 minutes homework and no school should think this is acceptable. Clearly some key changes need to be made to properly support your children and to support you as well.

You sound like you're doing a phenomenal job. Your children are obviously so well loved. You need to really press school to work with you so between you you can work out a better way forward for both children.

Pick one friend who you really like and who you think you would enjoy seeing and ask if you can have lunch or a day out somewhere soon - with or without your children. I'm a huge fan of a day out and take my children out every weekend somewhere. Often somewhere very low cost or free, but at 12 and 14 they're not too old and it's not too late to have a joint day out with another family. You sound lonely and I really resonate with so much of what you said.

IT'S NOT THAT EASY!!!

I could have written the OP except I'm on my own with SEN children.

They really, really need us after school. If the OP has explained that her husband isn't home until 8.30pm and (by then) she is beyond exhausted already, do you really think she's in the right frame of mind to go out? No. She isn't.

"Get a babysitter!"
"You need to go out more!"
"You need to put yourself first!"

Boring. So boring and so soul destroying to hear, over and over, by people who either don't have children, don't have a job or do have an extremely flexible and supportive partner and/or grandparents or nannies available.

Absolutely this. There's so many excuses from women who have husbands who seemingly can't work less hours, can't be flexible and just completely unavailable to help out with parenting at all. Yet somehow women are able to meet these changes, change hours in their job and pick up all the parenting slack and which results in them burned out.

Your children have two parents and with such high levels of needs, this can't just fall to one parent. Being out the house 12 hours a day until 8.30pm every week night isn't sustainable for family life, especially in a house where you have a burnt out mum and two children with such levels of SEN. Your husband needs to do more than just provide for the family, he needs to take an active role in parenting his kids too.

One thing that stands out to me is that both children are spending a lot of time ruminating on problems and anxieties at school and this is bringing you all down.

Is it possible you could redirect this behaviour with some more structured time just having fun the three of you? Do an audit with them of the activities everyone does at the moment. Do they enjoy their clubs? Is there anything that is too much that should be stopped? What would they like to do to distract them from school worries? (Eg Cinema, milkshake in a cafe, walk by the river, learn a new craft, go swimming, restore furniture together).

Your DH needs to find a way to support you in this with time, money or preferably both. At least one weekend a month should be family downtime

Friendships, I have a good friend left from school, 1 from uni and otherwise it's friends from mum life, a group from baby times who persist, a group of school mum friends who have been around since nursery times and some ASN mum friends who know the challenges. I put myself out there and I chat and I accept the friendships that don't progress and absorb the sting of rejection when someone doesn't like me. It's not easy as I have a strong socially awkward side and have always been rubbish at friendships and felt bullied at school etc. I'm 43 now though so I've learnt to accept myself a bit.

You have 2 children with additional needs, I have 2 children who are younger but only 1 has additional needs (sounds very like your son) and while my kids were a baby and a toddler my life felt a lot like yours.

What changed? I realised I have 2 kids, but so does my husband! Yet here he was progressing in his career and managing a time consuming hobby while I was on my a**e daily. It took a lot of communication to fix because our sons needs were frankly terrifying for my husband who also needs a lot of structure to cope (likely ASD) so we spent a lot of time rejigging things.

We now have a situation where 3 days a week he WFH and drop offs and pick ups are on him. The other 2 days I work short days while he does long days at the office and pick up and drop are on me. Eldest does 3 days after school and youngest is in nursery full days those days and will also go to a free school when she starts.

We now have a situation where I have joined a gym 2-3 days a week and he is able to get out cycling 2&3 days a week. Wereyeach able to take an evening off here and there and go out. We try to keep it balanced where before all the free time was his and the additional labour was mine.
.you have a husband problem a d he either needs to sort out his working life or get a new job. Both of us have the odd day where we're out 7.3-8,aybe once a week when work is hardcore but there is no job where that is needed daily. We've been together 20 years so we joke we're having an affair with a coworker when we're out until 8, but id start to wonder if something more was genuinely going on if it's as everyday.

What do you do on the weekend? Many working parents will have a Mon-Fri of school, chores, taxiing kids to hobbies.

You're the same age my mum was when she became a grandparent. When I'm 50 my kids will be in their 20s. It's not a competition, I just did that smaller life a decade younger.

Your career slowed? Same! But in my 20s so it's taken me so much longer to build it back up and I'm still tens of thousands a year lower than my friends. Your career looks crap compared to others? Same but when I was younger and none of my friends had kids. They were earning way more than me, travelling more, going exciting places.

Did I miss a hen do or drop out of a group chat or disengage? No. Have they missed out on every social invitation I put out now that they have children? Yes! Do they message less?! Yes! I don't know if it's because I had stronger FOMO as a younger mum but these older mums in my friendships groups really cannot be arsed with keeping in touch.

Do you poo? Guessing yes. Send a whatsapp message then.

My kids are all teens so also don't have that primary school pick up chat but they do play team sports. Rugby is super social. The friends I see the most are those parents, we socialise at the club on weekends and our children do to in the same club with their friends.

At work, do you get a lunch break? I know when I've been in offices this soon becomes just eating over the laptop but if you are able to use a half hour in the middle of the day to meet someone for a cuppa or to go on a walk with a friend who works or lives nearby or a workmate. When I worked somewhere with a shower I'd go for a 20-30 min run a couple of times a week at lunch. Even as a teenager, my boyfriend would meet me for a sandwich in the park for my lunchbreak at my Saturday job.

Get micro-dosing on the friendships.

Will I be going on a holiday with my friends when we turn 50? Yes. Because we started saving monthly when we turned 40.

You've given great detail about your Mon-Fri but what about your weekends? When you say you've lost touch, have you stopped messaging? Have they? Friendships have to go both ways. Were the primary school friends people you ever saw outside of that connection? Would they have though of you as a friend or as so-and-so's mum? There were other mums I'd smile at in the street but then there are other mums who I could message to say "miss you! fancy meeting up..."

I’m so sorry OP. This isn’t fair on you. Your husband needs to help more. And other changes should be made

You have a husband problem.

He is not contributing enough, he needs to cut down his hours or find a job that means he can do half the parenting and household management.

Voila, you will have time back for yourself

@Costell9 you are flying solo that’s why.
Time to talk to your husband. .you both get the kids up early and get them ready before he leaves for work.
What happens at weekends? I’d be out the door all weekend making myself a life .

I'm so sorry OP, I can see how much you have on your plate, that all sounds impossible! I agree with others that your real issue is DH's lack of input into your life either financial or being there. Are you sure he actually needs to work such long hours?

Aside from the full DH issue, you need to carve out some small bits of time for yourself. A few suggestions that may not be possible but might spark some thoughts...

A talk to DH. He needs to be back at a decent hour ONE night a week to allow you the evening off. Plus a half day at the weekend he takes over DC?

Can you drop the rope on the homework? It sounds like you're masking the issues a bit with teaching DD for 2 hours per night. I'd have a talk with her teachers (maybe with support of the SEN lead?) and explain the situation and that 2 hours of homework per night is pushing back bedtime which has knock on effects on DD's anxiety. Say you'll monitor her to do, say, 1 hour per evening ( although I actually think half an hour would be enough).

The long bedtimes. Sometimes, in the past, I have found I'm trying to help DS so much and trying to cajole him to get to sleep or discuss his worries that it actually delays even more as he can feel MY anxiety. Can you lie with her and read a book or kindle with low light and get her to do the same? Or listen to music together so that you get a bit of calm too? It's not actually "allowed" so take this under advisement will but I buy DS melatonin online and give a very low dose each night. It has enabled him to get to sleep where before he was up thinking till 2 am some nights. I find that him feeling fairly rested helps the rest of his life go much more calmly.

Reduce clubs at all if possible? My DS is 13 and does one club per week plus cricket in the summer. It's enough tbh at secondary level imo unless you have a boundless energy or desperately sporty type of child (which yours may be!).