Page 2 | To feel annoyed / upset about this?

Honeysucklelane · 2026-02-02T15:18:19+00:00

My mum and sister went out for lunch today to try a restraurant about 20 minutes away from where I live. I don’t work Mondays so I’m free all day. Just before lunch I got told they were going out for lunch and a walk, and invited to meet them for a coffee ‘later on.’ I decided not to meet them for coffee, rather than drive a 40 minute round trip just for a coffee with them when they would have already been out for a big lunch. After lunch I got messaged saying how amazing it was, so I said I would have loved to try it. I feel a bit childish and irrational to be feeling hurt that I wasn’t invited and I was only ‘good enough’ to come along for coffee as an afterthought. My mum doesn’t treat us (or our other sister) equally and there’s a history of her frequently staying at my sisters and not even seeing me even though it’s not far - and yes I can go over there, but she’s usually so busy doing housework / gardening for my sister it’s pointless me being there.

crazeekat · 03/02/2026 17:23

She’s a dick and so is sister for not asking and allowing dickmum to do it.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 03/02/2026 17:19

Rattai · 02/02/2026 17:06

What was their response to your text?

‘Oh are you annoyed?’ Seems like I’ve done the wrong thing.’

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Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 03/02/2026 17:17

FishMouse · 02/02/2026 19:03

I could have written this. It's not very nice. You're not unreasonable at all for making the comment, don't let them turn it on to you. It is also annoying when richer sibling who works less, with a bigger house, gets a maid/dog walker/laundress on tap as well.

Thank you. It is hard. I don’t begrudge the bigger house / garden, (it’s a LOT of work) or the cleaner / ironing lady. I do begrudge my mum doing a ton of hard physical work there and then both of them ringing me complaining to me about the other one afterwards.

My mum chooses to do it, my sister has a lovely tidy, clean whatever afterwards, and I get to hear them bitching about each other. 🙄

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Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 03/02/2026 17:11

LadyQuackBeth · 03/02/2026 11:48

I can see how two people having the vouchers for something would automatically turn into a two person plan without any active decision to leave someone out. Asking a third person would mean it became complicated, splitting vouchers or asking you to pay when they weren't - there are so many ways it could cause offence.

It's hard to know if it is a pattern or your perception, none of us can tell and everyone is projecting. I think you give mixed messages, for example, because I'm hearing it in the voice of someone I know who would simultaneously say "they are only 20 minutes away," as if that's nothing and then "a 40 minute round trip," like it is a huge imposition. OTOH, someone who often feels left out will align with you, but only you can really tell.

You clearly want to have a better relationship with them, if you wanted to go for lunch. I do think you have some control over it. From making suggestions yourself, to communicating slightly better. Unfortunately not speaking up, allowing it to fester and then lashing out is childish behaviour. You need to learn that if something is not important enough to say at the time, then let it go. If you find it hard to let go, then that is a sign you need to speak up. You might find having boundaries (not tantrums) actually improves your relationship. It's not guaranteed, but worth a go.

It was credit on an account not vouchers, so it possibly didn’t even cover both of their meals and I would have paid for myself.

I did not ‘lash out’
I did not have a ‘tantrum’

When I got a message saying where they’d been and how amazing it was, I replied that I would have loved to try it. Got told I can, so I replied ‘well maybe next time I’ll get a lunch invite instead of just for coffee.’

I don’t think that’s lashing out or having a tantrum, but because I do not lash out or have tantrums, they knew I was annoyed / upset by my response.

I would have made the trip for lunch and the walk they were doing, as that’s a longer event. But it didn’t seem worth doing a 40 minute round trip to sit in a tiny busy coffee shop for what would probably be half an hour having a quick hot drink. They would have wanted to get back as they’d been out a while by that point.

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Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 03/02/2026 17:01

ShortColdandGrey · 03/02/2026 11:28

My sister used to get upset when I would go out for dinner with my mum. The difference between me and my sister was that I would invite my mum out and buy her dinner and we would have a mooch around the shops. My sister only and still only contacts my mum because she needs her to babysit, or needs my parents to do something for her. I don't think she has ever taken her out for the day. It wasn't about not including my sister it was about spending time with my mum. Do you ever contact your mum and arrange to go out just the two of you?

Yes. Over the years I’ve visited her more in the school holidays with my kids than my sisters have.

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LadyQuackBeth · 03/02/2026 11:48

I can see how two people having the vouchers for something would automatically turn into a two person plan without any active decision to leave someone out. Asking a third person would mean it became complicated, splitting vouchers or asking you to pay when they weren't - there are so many ways it could cause offence.

It's hard to know if it is a pattern or your perception, none of us can tell and everyone is projecting. I think you give mixed messages, for example, because I'm hearing it in the voice of someone I know who would simultaneously say "they are only 20 minutes away," as if that's nothing and then "a 40 minute round trip," like it is a huge imposition. OTOH, someone who often feels left out will align with you, but only you can really tell.

You clearly want to have a better relationship with them, if you wanted to go for lunch. I do think you have some control over it. From making suggestions yourself, to communicating slightly better. Unfortunately not speaking up, allowing it to fester and then lashing out is childish behaviour. You need to learn that if something is not important enough to say at the time, then let it go. If you find it hard to let go, then that is a sign you need to speak up. You might find having boundaries (not tantrums) actually improves your relationship. It's not guaranteed, but worth a go.

Branleuse · 03/02/2026 11:48

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 16:52

She loves organising etc, but then bitches to me about it afterwards which isn’t fair.

I am more capable of keeping my house and garden tidy as it’s much smaller and my DH is quite tidy too. That’s not to say I don’t deserve or need help occasionally too, or just to be popped in on for a cuppa when she’s going over there to spend days there. Or included in lunch plans… It’s a very odd dynamic and has been for years, and if I think I’ve got it tough, it’s far worse for my other sister who is even more side lined.

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Do you and your other sister get together at all?
I assumed that you were being left out of a three, but maybe it's just that your mum and sister are friendlier?

I wouldn't want to have to invite my brother whenever I do something with my mum.

I make the effort with her because she's my best friend.

My mum also does things with my eldest son a hell of a lot more than with my other kids, because ds1 is the one that has made the effort to see her because he wants to.

I don't think it's about who you love the most. I think as adults, then you have to maintain your own family relationships.

Branleuse · 03/02/2026 11:32

Could you start arranging things for you and your mum, and see if she would like that. Or arrange an outing for the three of you
Is sister is arranging outings for her and her mum knowing that you would like to come, but she still doesn't invite you?

ShortColdandGrey · 03/02/2026 11:28

My sister used to get upset when I would go out for dinner with my mum. The difference between me and my sister was that I would invite my mum out and buy her dinner and we would have a mooch around the shops. My sister only and still only contacts my mum because she needs her to babysit, or needs my parents to do something for her. I don't think she has ever taken her out for the day. It wasn't about not including my sister it was about spending time with my mum. Do you ever contact your mum and arrange to go out just the two of you?

aLFIESMA · 03/02/2026 10:47

If this is 'the way it is' then you have to figure out if you are bothered enough to try and change things and risk becoming more upset and frustrated OR accept this 'it how it will always be'.
There can be a great deal of peace and freedom that comes from letting go of an unfulfilled 'fantasy family' and although sad lets you move forward you sound a lovely insightful person Honeysucklelane, take care x

Theunamedcat · 03/02/2026 08:34

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 16:02

I’m not sure if she shows off to her friends. The pattern is, she stays there, does a shed load of work because they ‘live in utter chaos’ and she can’t stand it, then rings me up afterwards and tells me what a mess it is and how disorganised they are and how they need to do x,y,z to their house to make it ‘run’ better.

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I would tell her to tell your sister that or say i will he sure to tell her that next time we speak 😆

Seriously though she is talking like this about your sister can you imagine what she says about uou to her

BeaLola · 03/02/2026 08:31

She’s ok, but doesn’t live nearby. If she was going out for lunch with my DH’s sibling nearby, she would include us too.

I was hoping she was nearby and you could focus on your relationship and go for lunch etc with her.

I am sorry and having read your update can see how hurtful it is.

I have no wise solutions but I think I would have to opt out of further "consolation coffee add ons" and perhaps focus on time with DH/DP and your friends, and as time continues doing things that make you feel valued/seen/good , your Mums behaviour I don't understand but I guess you won't be able to change how she is. for you

Nextdoortomeis · 02/02/2026 19:09

I'd think well sister is going to look after mum in old age. Happy days.

FishMouse · 02/02/2026 19:03

I could have written this. It's not very nice. You're not unreasonable at all for making the comment, don't let them turn it on to you. It is also annoying when richer sibling who works less, with a bigger house, gets a maid/dog walker/laundress on tap as well.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 18:53

Gingercar · 02/02/2026 17:52

I’d have reacted just as you did.

Thank you. I get treated like I’m childish or unreasonable if I show that something has annoyed or upset me.

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Gingercar · 02/02/2026 17:52

I’d have reacted just as you did.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 17:35

Justmadesourkraut · 02/02/2026 17:29

It does sound hurtful. Does your other sister, who is even more sidelined, live nearby? If so, reach out to her and plan a nice lunch or outing together to make up for this. You can't make people be thoughtful or caring, but you can turn it round and focus on building other good relationships.

Don't spend your life wishing your mum and sister were different. It's frustrating and just makes you feel worse. Limit your expectations of them, and aim higher with people who will respond and be genuinely pleased to see you.

She’s not nearby. We haven’t spoken for years because she said some awful things about me to the other sister. Also she was constantly ringing me up to ask why our mum was always with our sister helping her. Which got me very down, because it kept blighting disparities in how we are treated.

Families are complex, and I’m glad I could come here and chat to people as there’s no one else to talk to. It isn’t really just a lunch / coffee thing today I guess, but years of situations. 😔

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NovemberMorn · 02/02/2026 17:35

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 17:29

She has actually said that in the past when I pointed out to her how upset our other sister was that she barely visits her.

Which is natural to get on better with some people over others, but when it’s your kids you do not tell them you get on better with their sister and that’s why you visit her more. It’s blatantly obvious who the ‘favourite’ is.

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It's a horrible way for a parent to act.
I'm not saying your mother is horrible, but to make one child feel less than the other....even an adult child, is not a nice way to act.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 17:29

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2026 17:22

Maybe your mum just finds your sister easier to get on with.
I think it's a mean way to act, but personally I would hate to feel I was being invited out just because you wanted to go.
Like you, I would have refused the coffee invite.

She has actually said that in the past when I pointed out to her how upset our other sister was that she barely visits her.

Which is natural to get on better with some people over others, but when it’s your kids you do not tell them you get on better with their sister and that’s why you visit her more. It’s blatantly obvious who the ‘favourite’ is.

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Justmadesourkraut · 02/02/2026 17:29

It does sound hurtful. Does your other sister, who is even more sidelined, live nearby? If so, reach out to her and plan a nice lunch or outing together to make up for this. You can't make people be thoughtful or caring, but you can turn it round and focus on building other good relationships.

Don't spend your life wishing your mum and sister were different. It's frustrating and just makes you feel worse. Limit your expectations of them, and aim higher with people who will respond and be genuinely pleased to see you.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 17:26

mamajong · 02/02/2026 17:19

If this is a pattern yanbu, however they are allowed to meet without you without it being a slight on you. My dm does lots for my dsis and my dbro, i never mind it but if i meet just my mum i get 'where was my invite' etc but sometimes i want to meet my mum on my own as my siblings are big personalitoes and tend to make it all about them. Not saying you are like this btw just sometimes you dont all have to do everyrhing.

Like others have said maybe because you didnt ask to go they thought you didnt want to, next time just say 'oh fab, i am actually free today do you mind if i join you for lunch rather than coffee?'

What is yanbu? Absolutely they are allowed to meet without me, and they’re off away for a night or two together tomorrow.

I got upset because it felt like ‘we’re going for lunch, but you’re only worth inviting along for coffee later on, and we’ll then tell you how amazing the lunch was we had without you.’

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BillieWiper · 02/02/2026 17:22

It's clear this is a pattern of favouritism you've endured for decades.

It seems to me incredibly cruel to treat your children so unequally. It's true to say that some parents do, deep down, have a 'favourite' child. But they really need to go out of their way not to make it obvious to the others.

I hope you have strong relationships with others in your life? X

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2026 17:22

Maybe your mum just finds your sister easier to get on with.
I think it's a mean way to act, but personally I would hate to feel I was being invited out just because you wanted to go.
Like you, I would have refused the coffee invite.

mamajong · 02/02/2026 17:19

If this is a pattern yanbu, however they are allowed to meet without you without it being a slight on you. My dm does lots for my dsis and my dbro, i never mind it but if i meet just my mum i get 'where was my invite' etc but sometimes i want to meet my mum on my own as my siblings are big personalitoes and tend to make it all about them. Not saying you are like this btw just sometimes you dont all have to do everyrhing.

Like others have said maybe because you didnt ask to go they thought you didnt want to, next time just say 'oh fab, i am actually free today do you mind if i join you for lunch rather than coffee?'

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 02/02/2026 17:17

YourJustOrca · 02/02/2026 17:14

What were the vouchers? Had one of them bought them for the other as a Christmas/birthday present? If this is the case then I can see why they wanted it to be the two of them,

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They weren’t a gift from either one to the other, more like credit vouchers.

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