Please be gentle. I’m exhausted and genuinely questioning whether I’m being unreasonable here.
My DSD moved in with us after being out of school for around two years. This was agreed as being in her best interests, with the aim of getting her back into education, which has now happened.
Since she moved in, however, I feel like I’m constantly battling everyone else just to introduce basic structure and responsibility.
Homework is a major issue. It’s always left until the very last minute. Even when she’s supposedly “doing homework”, the TV is on, she’s on her phone, and there’s no dedicated, quiet homework time. Unsurprisingly, very little gets done.
We’ve discussed (and agreed) that all homework should be completed before we go out at weekends. Despite this, DSD will insist it’s done, then at 8pm announce she “can’t do it” because it’s too hard. She struggles academically and genuinely needs things explained and talked through, so it isn’t something that can be rushed. I feel this comes down to DP not checking or enforcing boundaries, but nothing changes.
What makes this harder is that with our joint children, the same rules are adhered to. They understand expectations because they’ve always had them, and they follow them. This inconsistency is really difficult.
Food is another ongoing problem. DSD eats constantly, often having what amounts to a full dinner before dinner. Or finishing every bottle of juice in the fridge/snacks without anyone else being able to have a look in. No one challenges this, and our food bills have skyrocketed.
Clothes are also becoming an issue. DSD regularly asks GP/DP to buy new socks and underwear because she “has none”. I repeatedly ask if anything needs washing and am told no. I recently went to retrieve washing myself and found FOUR full wash loads of dirty clothes, including what felt like hundreds of socks and knickers. Neither DP nor GP challenge this.
The school uniform situation has been another source of frustration. We bought a whole new uniform, but GP bought another pair of school shoes when DSD changed her mind. We also bought trousers after DSD decided she didn’t want to wear a skirt — and now she wears neither, choosing things she’s not allowed to wear. We’ve made it clear that this is on her: if she gets a detention, we won’t be bailing her out. DSD has a brand new coat 3 months ago but now no longer wants it so wants another. It’s a complete waste of money. It’s exhausting having to try to enforce consistency when it feels like no one else is backing it.
Whenever I do try to raise boundaries or expectations, GP are quick to chime in that we’re being “too harsh”, which completely undermines any consistency and leaves me feeling like the unreasonable one for wanting basic routines.
To add to this, I’ve been told that DSD’s BM (and sometimes GP) have done her homework for her in the past, which DP hasn’t addressed. Given how much school she’s already missed, this feels incredibly counterproductive.
I feel like there are multiple parenting approaches given to DSD which doesn’t give the poor child any consistency. I feel like I’m the only one trying to put routines, boundaries and accountability in place, and I’m constantly made to feel like the villain for raising concerns.
So… AIBU for being fed up and blaming my DP’s lack of parenting here? Or do I need to step back and accept that this is just how it’s going to be?