AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

I don't get all this secrecy shit. If my dp's phone is charging he will go on mine to google something and vice versa.
If there is no trust, there is no trust!

Telegram is like threads, Whatsapp etc.
The medium he's using isn't the problem. His secrecy is

Telegram is not the issue here. Like all messaging services/forums/social media it has postive and negative uses, and a lot of people will be using it because that's what their community uses. A lot of places use by default it because it is really well set up for non-WEuro languages. WhatsApp is a bit of a default in the UK, but is awful if you are switching between scripts. But I also follow some business channels, BBC in other languages, language learning channels (some really excellent resources on there) and some pretty picture channels. I'm sure there are loads of porn and drugs on there, but probably tons on Whatsapp too if you are looking.

Great idea!

I don't know anything about the app. I do turn away from people when using my phone though and hate people trying to peer at it. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't, it just feels intrusive if people are watching what I'm doing. Similar to how I feel when someone sits too close to me invading my personal space, or if I notice someone hanging about outside a room I was having a conversation with someone else in.

Isn't WhatsApp the most secure thing you can use, due to the end-to-end encryption?

I wouldn't dream of asking to see his phone - it would NOT be well received.

This is not a good sign at all. You should be able to ask to see it. Every time you see him moving away when on the phone, call him out then and there. I would demand to see his phone. I would. Because any man who acts like this is DEFINITELY cheating. The problem is you've let him get away with this secretiveness for so long and haven't called him on it earlier so he knows he can cheat and message who he wants. Stop it right now. So you demand to see his phone or your marriage is at stake. And don't let him erase evidence and then let you see it. Demand it then and there in the moment.

We always use each other's phones - to check imperial to metric, check the weather forecast. Whatever phone is closest to hand - and neither of us get wound up about that.

It's just a total non-issue - which I think is how it should be.

Yes I'm not saying that you'd WANT to regularly read about his cars (!) but if you thought he was cheating I'm sure he'd happily hand it over and you could flick through the car photos to put your mind at ease

Telegram is not as mainstream as WhatsApp.

I don’t care if it’s ridiculous’ or not. The app has a reputation.

And as I clearly stated, it can still be used for legitimate reasons, but it’s known for randoms sharing illegal stuff on group chats and drugs. Sorry if that upsets you.

Because people are entitled to privacy even in a relationship.

Any partner of mine demanding to see my phone would be told in no uncertain terms that wasn't happening. It's not healthy to pander to someone's insecurity, and nor am I going to be subject to emotional blackmail.

My phone is my personal phone and not anyone else's business, partner or otherwise. Don't like that, you know where the door is.

While it is just a messaging app like WhatsApp the fact he hasn't told you he has it is weird.

I'd keep quiet and just snoop when possible see who is messaging.

Well, my ExDP started being secretive about his phone. Sitting beside him, if I glanced at it, he's turn the screen away.
Found out later he'd been seeing another woman. Now my ExDp so I'd say OP beware.

I remember a post-Pelicot trial German news story about 70,000 men being in a similar telegram chat group.

Well i think it's weird to want to look at someone else's phone, no matter who it is. It strongly suggests a general lack of trust.
I have absolutely nothing to hide from my DH on my phone but I'd question why he'd want to look at it if he asked.

Exactly this. I know a couple of people who use it because they are paranoid about the security of their messages, even though they have nothing to hide. The rest are buying drugs or speaking to sex workers etc.

Telegram comes up as a hot topic in my line of work often, not in a good way.

Most of the people I know who use Telegram are Russian

It is an encrypted message app that is used for communication, sometimes advertising illegal activities like drug deliveries, local protests, prostitution and also as a normal messenger.
Its security is high like the dark web it bounces around different encryption servers.

In these times of censorship, Telegram is the best way of following certain groups who have been deplatformed or need to reach audiences without being found. Think sharing of Russian failures, or seeing what prominent 'anti vacxers' are saying.

It's also a secure service if you're sending sensitive info - which may or may not be illegal etc. Could just be work based

I think the furtive turning away from you, rather than Telegram use, is the bigger issue.

I don’t look at my husband’s phone and he doesn’t look at mine! I wouldn’t like it either. I have ‘girly’ chats on there I would feel uncomfortable him reading and he has cars etc on his which would bore me

A lot of scammers use Telegram pretending to be someone famous. You can hide your number unlike WhatsApp.

Telegram is used by a lot of people up to no good (recreational sex and so forth - fine if you are not married or in an open relationship, BUT!)

It would concern me if a partner had it and I believed the relationship to be exclusive.

I would ask what they were using it for. Just based on personal experience.

It’s not the app you need to be worried about. It’s the secrecy and DARVO response when asked about it.

Encrochat is more organised crime - drugs, people trafficking etc not high end crime by oligarchs etc in my experience.

I'd focus less on Telegram, because you're not going to get answers that will alleviate your anxiety without actually knowing. You're not going to get answers that alleviate your anxiety because it's his behaviour that is causing the distress about the app, not the app itself.

So you have one of 2 options:

Sit him down for a very serious discussion about his long-term secrecy over phone use, why it makes you legitimately feel insecure and why it's dismissive and inappropriate to simply deny your very real feelings exist. You can then ask to see his phone. Anyone who doesn't have a bonafide controlling twat for a partner should have no problem doing this.

Bide your time and snoop through his through. Yes it's duplicitous, but most of the time that's the only way to actually get the truth. You have three children – I wouldn't mess about with getting straight up answers.