AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

Telegram is often viewed as more secure. People who are a little paranoid often use it glares balefully at brother who melts down if anyone sends a photo on whatssapp . Similarly, I know many journalists use it with sources for the same reason.

So he obviously likes to have super secure comms om his phone. Is this in line with his personality (eg like my over-paranoid brother?) or is it at odds with his personality? DH has a chat group on Telegram because one of his friends is in the naturally paranoid grouping and was refusing to use whatsapp!

I don't think this is about telegram or not telegram but your spidey sense that something is up. From personal experience I can say it's worth at least investigating. Either directly ask to see his phone or if you can't face that, have a deeper dive into his search history, and keep a closer eye on his movements, e.g. trips away, working late.

Telegram in itself is not a problem - I have a lot of work connections in eastern Europe and it's more popular there so I use it too. It's just like whatsapp. Regarding his search about “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.” I have found that sharing contacts between, say Telegram and Whatsapp, is not so easy. So if you have someone on Telegram then want to use (for example) Whatsapp, you can't see them in your contacts and it's not easy to share.

Obviously this doesn't mean he's not doing anything dodgy, but using Telegram and his search is not itself a problem at all in my view. I've done that same - and I'm definitely one of the most boring people out there!

I don't like people watching me when I'm doing something on my phone.
I also don't like them reading over my shoulder when I'm reading something.
It feels obtrusive.

I don't see this as particular secrecy - just no need to know. I've never looked at my DH's phone and he's never looked at mine - except maybe if we were showing each other a photo or something. Neither of us think the other is hiding anything. Neither of us think the other is being secretive.

OP is either paranoid, controlling or there is some other reason that she's not telling us. She needs to be careful her lack of trust is in itself not the thing that causes a relationship rift.

I said if you have serious suspicions (ie. find illegal materials). OP asked for people’s opinions, which we are giving.

I'd be less concerned about Telegram than the secrecy. It it was the app alone, I'd not think twice, Telegram is a bit like Tor in the sense that it has its legitimate uses but its high security and anonymity does tend to attract certain types of users. But that coupled with the shifty behaviour would have me suspicious too.

I'd engineer a conversation about it. Lounge on sofa, glance across. 'What's Telegram? A messaging app, like WhatsApp? Oh, let's have a look, is it any good? WhatsApp is doing my head in lately.' His reaction will be telling.

If he's up to nothing he'll lean over, show it to you, comment on why it is/isn't better than WhatsApp. If he gets defensive, you'll know something is afoot.

Telegram isn't only a private messaging app. It's also social media with groups and channels where you post status updates and comments, that kind of thing. A bit like Twitter I suppose.

In my social media circles, Telegram is just considered to be where all the fascists, racists, conspiracy theorists and incels hang out, because it has little to no moderation and things that would get taken down on most social media platforms tend to stay up on Telegram. It's not a platform I'd associate with people trying to cheat on their partners. I just associate it with total wrong'uns really.

Haha. I came on to say this.

Yeah it's used for 'drugs and things'. So is a regular telephone number. Does that mean if someone has a phone number they're a drugs baron?!

@Kiki92 My DH uses it. Has been for a few years. At the time it was because the videos, etc, were HD quality so much better than you could get on WhatsApp, and when you're buying things at auction, the more detail the better. They've since moved to WhatsApp as it now has HD quality as well and it means they reach a wider audience.

Any app can be used for the wrong thing. Him being secretive over his phone is more concerning. Don't ignore your gut.

Telegram has downsides but it's the whistleblower's app of choice. If your DH is having trouble at work or is in a role in which he might be approached by a whistleblower, it wouldn't be surprising that Telegram's in play. Likewise, if he's a researcher or journalist, the privacy of Telegram means it's often how tips arrive. Even the Guardian has a Telegram tipline, despite their frequent coverage of the app's more distasteful uses (lately, a proliferation of deepfake nudes) & shady origins.

And say what to the Police? My Husband has downloaded a messaging app to his phone and I am suspicious.

My mind boggles at some people's thought patterns.

My wife is always looking at my phone and I don't mind at all. She usually charges it for me as I tend to forget. We haven't got any secrets from each other - I think

I don't think you can say he is "definitely" cheating. DH and I will both move away if we get work calls if there is a chance of background/family noise.

But I agree, depending on context it could signal he is not wanting to be heard.

How is telegram old school? It's a younger service than WhatsApp?
Also if a message is deleted from telegram it says x deleted a message/photo etc and that message can't be deleted, you also can't hide message threads. On WhatsApp you can delete the "x deleted a message" and you can also pin lock and hide chats!

WhatsApp is used for that much more than telegram is!

Telegram you can have private messages that delete and are not traceable.

Personally, I've only ever seen it used for naughty things so I'm really surprised by all the comments here that it's really quite popular.

I also thought it was quite old school and not in use very much anymore.

However, can you just ask him?

Telegram is a messaging app I use it myself, it's not end 2 end encrypted like WhatsApp and also isn't owned by meta unlike Facebook is.
Unlike WhatsApp you should be able to contact people who aren't directly in your contacts and they should be able to contact you as well. A lot of small business owners use it so they don't have to give out person numbers etc.

My partner doesn't know all the different messaging apps I use and vice versa; there's nothing untoward about it we just have different friend groups who prefer different apps.

I think I currently have group chats on
Facebook messenger
Telegram
Signal
WhatsApp
And Xpal.

Different folks just prefer different apps.

Off topic, but why is it a general idea that we should always run to our partner, phone in hand?
Surely, a personal smart phone is our bit of privacy.
Speaking for myself.

Telegram is super-encrypted and can be used very innocently (like WhatsApp) but is often used for dodgy/illegal dealings.
Drug deals, illegal streams, sex.

Telegram is more secretive than WhatsApp (easier to hide messages and conversations), also you get loads of people (strangers) using it to send nudes, videos (you can send high res) and buying drugs and selling sex, so YES it can be nefarious. My ex used it to try and start an affair with me (which I didn't entertain) but his wife found the convo.

The fact your husband made that Google search suggests to me he might be using it to buy drugs or sex or just swap nudes. That would be my guess.

Im also wondering if he is engaged Telegram groups he would not want you to know about. Some kind of extremism. Whenever I read about a group of people doing something creepy/violent there is always a Telegram group. There are lots of non creepy/violent things related to hobbies and campaign's too.

I had it for a brief time because some (nice mum related) campaign groups are on there but I didnt like the interface.

It is possible your husband is using this app perfectly legitimately or equally he may not. However surely him just having it on his phone is not grounds for suspicion in itself.

As for all these people who claim that their husbands should be prepared to hand their phones over for inspection whenever requested, I find this plain weird. There is nothing remotely dodgy on my phone but I would not be handing it over to my husband for inspection whenever he demands, why should I? I think this is downright controlling behaviour. Everyone has a right to privacy.

Sorry OP but my husband used telegram to send explicit messages to other women when he was working away from home a few years ago. He'd used it once before, before we were together and all the old contacts just sprung up. It's no excuse but he was going through a very very difficult time. Took us about a year but we worked through it.

Telegram can sometimes be used legitimately by companies as a messaging service between employees but if it's on his personal phone I'd be suspicious.

I joined Telegram to communicate with an Training developer I was in a Beta testing group for. It's seen as being more secure, I've not been aware of any adverts or spam, and none of the other discussion group members can see each others phone numbers, so I don't have scammers latching on with their "Hello beautiful lady I'm American working in the middle East, looking after my small child alone after my wife was tragically taken from me on a car crash" messages. As a female in a group that was probably 95% male I found that very reassuring. You used your number to sign up, and it will connect you already have as contacts but it just means randoms can't get your number.

Drug dealers might like it, but it doesn't mean only drug dealers use it. Most serial killers are men, but it doesn't mean all men are serial killers does it?

Telegram app

• Privacy-focused: Offers end-to-end encrypted “Secret Chats,” self-destructing messages, and strong security options.