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Original poster

AIBU to be worried about husband's internet use. (What is Telegram)

135 replies

Kiki92 · 02/02/2026 11:23

Hi all,

I’m looking for some perspective... please no nasty comments. I’m genuinely seeking advice, not judgment.

My husband has always been quite private with his phone. He often turns his body away when using it. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years and, while it makes me a little uncomfortable, I’ve generally brushed it off. He works hard, treats me well, and supports our family (me and our three children), so I’ve never had any real concerns. I just find the behaviour a bit secretive. When I’ve mentioned it before, he’s always dismissed it as nothing.

Recently, though, I briefly noticed he has the app Telegram on his phone. From what I understand, it’s a private messaging app, but it’s not something he’s ever mentioned to me, which caught my attention. I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it. It seems odd that he has it....

Then this morning, while using our family iPad, I realised his Gmail account had been linked overnight when he used it. When I went to use the search function, I could see some of his recent Google searches from his phone. One of them was: “Why can I only message contacts on Telegram.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but taken together, it’s left me feeling uneasy. I’m not very tech-savvy and don’t really understand what Telegram is used for. I’d really appreciate any insight into the app, or thoughts on whether I might be overthinking this.

Anyone? Am I overreacting to be worried about this?

OP posts:
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GiddyRobin · 07/02/2026 00:54

Just so you know, OP, while Telegram isn't always used for anything dodgy, as evidenced by posts here, it is often the choice for men sharing porn. A friend's husband had it and we both spent months looking into it, she joined lots of infidelity forums - it's the top choice for the whole gamut.

So it's very much in line with everything else you've found. It's definitely just as much a part of your worries as the other sites; don't let him brush you off by telling you he's just using it to message his friends.

Namechanging11 · 07/02/2026 00:24

NotMajorTom · 05/02/2026 23:11

It’s fascinating on mumsnet how women are allowed privacy, but a man is being secretive…

Did you read the full post with ops updates?

NotMajorTom · 05/02/2026 23:11

It’s fascinating on mumsnet how women are allowed privacy, but a man is being secretive…

HUNGRY4MORE · 05/02/2026 22:48

@Kiki92 hope you're OK and that you have some real life support 💐

Namechanging11 · 04/02/2026 22:25

Claudiasboots · 03/02/2026 13:44

I am very sorry to hear this. Must be devastating for you. He uses the word “addiction” because he thinks it sounds better for him. Tinder is a dating website. I don’t know what Badoo is. Don’t let him brush this off as he couldn’t help it. He is married to you. He knows how to behave. He hasn’t. Don’t waste any more time on this man. You’re worth far more than this.

100% this, this idea of a 'porn addiction ' is massively over used. It's a very round about way to say cheating or infidelity.

Op you need real life support, there is absolutely zero shame in this for you and you do not owe him to keep this secret. This is no reflection on you whatsoever. He's making choices and decisions and he absolutely can control it. He's just chosen it all over you which is a complete betrayal that you did not deserve.

Whatever you decide to do next, do it knowing your worth and that it is not your job to 'fix' him. He's not broken he's just consciously been selfish and sacrificed your trust in the process. Do you have people in real life who you can trust to talk to openly about this? Accountability will be important all round here and you deserve a support network. He cannot be that for you as he's the one who hurt you.

I'm sorry he's let you down like this. This was not your fault.

SayWhatty · 04/02/2026 10:21

TallulahBetty · 04/02/2026 08:31

RTFT

Show quote history

Chill out.
I'm very sorry for what the OP's uncovered in her update, but I missed it the first time.

G00dnightJimBob · 04/02/2026 09:22

Gambling. Getting tips from 'Experts'

Evaka · 04/02/2026 08:38

This is devastating OP. So sorry to hear this. Agree with others he can pull the other one with his porn addiction. If he's on tinder he's cheating or trying to.

TallulahBetty · 04/02/2026 08:31

SayWhatty · 03/02/2026 19:31

I use telegram to access live streams of a sport that aren't available on tv. I'm a member of a fan group.

RTFT

GingerBeverage · 03/02/2026 21:53

Now he’ll start promising you he can change.

He won’t.

Cailleachnamara · 03/02/2026 21:00

Oh OP I am so sorry. My daughter has just thrown out her husband after finding out he had not only spent thousands of pounds on an online porn "addiction" and webcammers but had then escalated to hook ups IRL.

She has recently been to a support group for partners of men like this and has found it very helpful to be among others who fully understand. Fortunately there are no children in her marriage. With little ones to consider, your position is even harder. Your husband does not deserve his lovely family. What was he thinking? 💐

GoldDuster · 03/02/2026 19:31

Tinder isn't porn. What he's got isn't an addiction.

Addiction makes it sound like he can't help it. He can help it alright. He just didn't want to.

Do you have close friends and family that can support you?

SayWhatty · 03/02/2026 19:31

I use telegram to access live streams of a sport that aren't available on tv. I'm a member of a fan group.

LondonLady15 · 03/02/2026 19:26

Tinder gold means he isn’t just meeting people and cheating he’s using your joint funds for the privilege!
do not let him gaslight you with the old storyline of addiction. He’s been caught out and you need to get some legal advice and an sti test.
i knew a bloke who insisted on telegram chats and found out later it was so his wife couldn’t see his online status on WhatsApp or read msgs if she looked at his phone.

ginasevern · 03/02/2026 17:15

@Kiki92 Ah yes, the old male "I can't help myself" and "Give me loads of sympathy" trope, instead of being kicked out on his horny fucking arse. Tinder isn't porn anyway, it's for meeting and cheating. Don't fall for the script OP. It won't get any better and you deserve more. I speak through experience.

Abd80 · 03/02/2026 16:23

Tinder isn’t porn it’s for in real life hook-ups.

Tahoe11 · 03/02/2026 16:13

My DH uses Telegram all the time. We message each other on it. He uses it instead of WhatsApp because he won't use anything owned by meta! In itself there's nothing worrying in it, but I'd say the secrecy around the phone is a separate issue

HUNGRY4MORE · 03/02/2026 16:09

Kiki92 · 03/02/2026 13:16

So, I thought you deserved an update.

Telegram was the least of my worries. I managed to see his billing history on Google Play on the iPad... There's Tinder Gold, Badoo Premium and well as hundred of payments to porn chat sites, which span the entirety of our relationship.

I spoke to him and he has a massive porn addiction. I am NUMB.

So sorry.

Addiction makes it sound like it's something he can't help; to get sympathy from you. Those are dating/hookup apps. Please get an STI check, and leave him.

Moulez · 03/02/2026 14:19

Do you think he's met people too?

TallulahBetty · 03/02/2026 14:15

Tinder is not porn. He is still lying to you.

Claudiasboots · 03/02/2026 13:44

I am very sorry to hear this. Must be devastating for you. He uses the word “addiction” because he thinks it sounds better for him. Tinder is a dating website. I don’t know what Badoo is. Don’t let him brush this off as he couldn’t help it. He is married to you. He knows how to behave. He hasn’t. Don’t waste any more time on this man. You’re worth far more than this.

livingthenotebook · 03/02/2026 13:23

Where do you go from here, do you have someone you can talk to or confide in?

Has he said he will seek help or did he show any remorse?

Original poster
Kiki92 · 03/02/2026 13:16

So, I thought you deserved an update.

Telegram was the least of my worries. I managed to see his billing history on Google Play on the iPad... There's Tinder Gold, Badoo Premium and well as hundred of payments to porn chat sites, which span the entirety of our relationship.

I spoke to him and he has a massive porn addiction. I am NUMB.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 03/02/2026 09:25

Winederlust · 03/02/2026 08:35

Yes we do the same...but that's not really what we're talking about here is it.
Plenty of people on here genuinely believe that it's ok to routinely demand to go through their partner's phone as if that's some kind of indication of a healthy relationship.
In OP's case, people aren't suggesting to check his phone out of some innocent curiosity but because of suspicions of nefarious activity.

Show quote history

I think that is looking at it a bit back to front. Of course demanding to look at it isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. But I do think being relaxed about them looking is and on that basis I don't think it should be such a taboo to ask.

ponyprincess · 03/02/2026 09:01

Gloriia · 02/02/2026 13:08

While it is just a messaging app like WhatsApp the fact he hasn't told you he has it is weird.

I'd keep quiet and just snoop when possible see who is messaging.

Why is it weird he hasn't announced he has it? It wouldn't occur to me that it was necessary to inform my partner whenever I get a new app, a messaging one or other any other sort.