Is this me or them?

Stop engaging, talk to them less. Don’t expect them to understand your feelings. Don’t react. Just get on with your life and spend less time talking to them.

Stip seeing them. Do they bring any joy into your life?

Set up a password with the council services team. They will do this if you tell them you've been impersonated.

It’s them, not you.

I’d simply stop telling them about stuff. They don’t need to know about your bin issues. It’s a shame you can’t tell them without them doing what they did but they clearly can’t stop, so just keep your own counsel.

Im not sure they can really speak on behalf of your account to the council. If its area wide they can contact the council generally.

Id a. Not tell them my problems b. Change my account info and c. Not react to their nonsense.

Tbh while I think its a them problem I think let it go and don't make it a you one

Oh nice! Worth a try before you go NC…

@Unduall

I suspect you are sadly well on your way to going NC, or at least very low! They sound very toxic for you. It really does sound exhausting! Grey rock. Hard boundaries, etc..

I’d probably call the council, explain what mum did, and set up a password for clearance should she try that again!

This says it perfectly 👌

You don’t like the behaviour your parents are displaying and I totally get why. From your parents point of view they think they’re being helpful. They’re not. It’s controlling. This should be an easy misunderstanding to clear up and would be if your parents were reasonable. In my head it would look like this,
You, “I appreciate you being there for me but when I ask you not to get involved it’s because I mean it and I’m dealing with the issue.”
Them, “I’m sorry we overstepped the mark. We love you and want to help but we know you’ve got this and we’re here to listen. We’ll help if you ask. “
instead, you’ve expressed a perfectly reasonable boundary and they’ve - belittled you further, tried to make you feel guilty and become aggressive towards you. That’s not ok. I’ve been in a very similar situation to this and it’s demoralising. I had to be really firm with my mum and sister and I was terrified they’d just fall out with me. The conversations aren’t easy and I have to keep reiterating myself: I need you to accept that I have to be able to have my own opinion and make decisions about my own life. You can respectfully disagree or share an opinion but I will not accept being shouted at, guilt tripped or having my character attacked. My mum and sister, I think, are slowly coming around to this new boundary. If they start with the shouting, I say please don’t shout. Guilt tripping - I appreciate your help but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by what you said/I’m not allowed to have an opinion about this. If they start attacking my character, I say, you’re getting personal now and that’s hurtful. We’ll have this conversation another time.
It sounds like they love you loads and they want to protect you but they have never learned to deal with conflict respectfully. I’d give them a chance to grow and see how it goes xx

How?

I would try organising something for them at their place without them asking. Wait for them to ask why you did it. And then do it again. Maybe like ordering something you can see that's a bit tatty in their house. And then say, oh, I just thought you needed a bit of help on that.

Petty, but satisfying. But agree with others, more you share more it will happen, sadly, it's to put you in your place. You've overgrown them and it's threatening to them.

That is absolutely not on. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

My word, so they've never stepped back and allowed you to live as an adult? Sounds like a 'they' problem. Best just not to tell them anything about anything they could interfere with. Do you know why they're still so controlling? Or are they just so very caring amd can't let go? Parents will always want to do what they can for their kids but need to respect boundaries. Xxx

It is them. I havevadult children. If they have problems that they discusscwith me, we offer advice and, whete appropriate, practical help. Unless they specifically ask us to take action, we don't If they asked not to, we wouldn't.

Your parents do not respect you and still treat you like a child. To answer your question, it is them, not you.

It is them, not you.
I too have annoying interfering parent (Dad mostly)
I have stopped telling them things. Id like to be able to just discuss whats going on with my life, get a bit of sympathy and then left to sort it myself (unless ive asked for advice). Instead my Dad will wade in, in hero mode to fix things for me. I dont need him to do this. Im a fully fledged woman in my 50s ffs!
It drives me batty so i totally get your frustration op!

Why did you involve them in the first place. Did they really need to know you had a bin problem??

If your parents are so controlling in your life, stop contact for a while. If they try to contact you, don't respond. Keep doing this until you feel ready to have contact again and tell them you will do this every time they try to control things in your life. Stick to it!!!!!

That must be very frustrating.
My mum used to let herself into my house whilst I was out amongst other things. She had her own extra sets of keys cut without telling me.

As others have said, information diet and I also think Change your locks and don't leave spare keys around. (get a key rock or some kind of system instead)
You sound quite independent but cut back on anything that relies on them helping as it will just give them an in.

I'm not saying cut them out completely, but I think their behaviour is extreme and you have to wean them off being so overbearing. So I would also make a point of only meeting at their house or in a neutral place. If they can't see your home, they cant criticise. Its sad its come to that but it sounds like you need strong boundaries.

The fact she told them not to interfere doesn’t mean she told them about the problem! They still brought the subject up.

”We saw on the local news there’s a problem with the bins where you live, your street was one of the ones they mentioned. We’ll phone the council.”

”No, Mum, please don’t interfere - I would prefer to sort it out for myself.”

How would that scenario constitute the OP telling them about the bin problem?

But she also says she specifically told them not to interfere. I mean, I entirely agree with you that it’s interfering and infantilising, but they clearly had some conversation about it if the OP asked them not to do anything. Which in some ways makes it worse rather than better…

Read the thread. She didn't tell them. They heard about a widespread bin problem in the OP's area and took it upon themselves to sort it out.

It's them, 100 per cent. It's incredibly fucking weird, intrusive and infantilising for parents to treat their adult children like this.

They absolutely should NOT be impersonating you on the phone to the council, either.

You say this isn't the first time they've done things like this - can you give some other examples? Because while on the face of it a conversation about some bins might seem like a minor annoyance, I'm guessing they're interfering and suffocating in other ways.

How much do you actually see them/speak to them? I would be scaling back massively on the amount of contact if I were in your position.

I would tell the council that you have been impersonated and set up a password for future security. Set up passwords on everything you can think of.

Don’t tell her anything and stick to that. Make sure she cannot access your house to look at anything there or anything you have online.

Unfortunately I have a mother that doesn’t understand boundaries or allowing children to grow up, and the only other alternative is going no contact.

But you also say you had told them not to interfere — so presumably you’d spoken about it?

What did you say or do when you found out your mother had impersonated you? Did you express your anger and say ‘Never do that again’?

Look up 'grey rock' and use the techniques. Suggest you set boundaries with your parents and stick to them. One of those should be 'you will never impersonate me again, I can't be around someone who does that' then if they do, go non contact for a bit (or forever)