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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby with a man i dont love

162 replies

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 19:32

I have 1 kid with my husband. I don't love my husband anymore. It used to be pretty awful, he was horrible to me, but now we have settled into housemate life. He is a good dad but he is sexist and uncaring. I do it all and I used to that now.

I know i want to leave and I will. But is it horrible of me to have a baby before I do?

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

Pls explain why its a terrible idea. I am perfectly capable of looking after a new child and loving them, with or without my husband.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/02/2026 21:13

I think if you can do it then why not. You get another baby, child gets a sibling and you have to coparent with this guy anyway so it’s better than throwing another baby dad into the mix. I’d go for it in your shoes. I’m actually jealous as I’m nearly 40 and would love another child but single and not really dating so accepting and grieving that it may not happen

Eenameenadeeka · 01/02/2026 21:10

Insane. You don't like him. Why would you knowingly give your child a man you don't like as a father?

OxyGon · 01/02/2026 21:08

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:51

Oh we would make the decision together. We both love being parents. We just dont love each other.

Show quote history

I’m not 100% sure what you mean but if it’s that you both agree to have another kid together before you split up then that might be ok. Anything that involves you having sex with your husband and getting pregnant by him without him knowing you want to split up with him and without him knowing you don’t like him are very wrong.

Imagine the answers on here if a man said he was going to pretend that he loved someone so that he could have sex with them.

VanityUnit66 · 01/02/2026 21:07

If he’s sexist and uncaring then he’s not a good dad is he? They aren’t the qualities of a good parent.

Henriettafromdablox · 01/02/2026 21:06

If you’d said I don’t love him but we get along just fine, he’s a nice guy, treats me well, and I’m genuinely fond of him, and I’m staying with him, I’d have said do it. But you said he’s sexist and uncaring, so it would be mad to proceed.

To do it in the full knowledge you’ll shortly be leaving is, quite honestly, really underhand
and deceitful, and doing the child a disservice.

Newyearawaits · 01/02/2026 21:05

sharkstale · 01/02/2026 19:54

Do it. If you're going to leave anyway and prepared to raise them as a single mum, go for it. You might not get another chance.

Edited

Bad advice all around.
What about the financial, emotional and practical responsibilities that come with having a child.
Parenting is very hard and children need best chance possible

Original poster
ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 21:04

People on here on the divorce threads always says how kids can cope really well and are happy as long as parents civil and co parent well etc. But when I suggest having a kid in knowledge that I will divorce in future, acting like my kids will be born into a crack den.

OP posts:
WorkCleanRepeat · 01/02/2026 21:03

I know two people that have have deliberately had a second child having already made the decision that they were leaving her their partners.

I always thought it was pretty calculated and deceitful. I couldn't do it, but it worked out fine for both of them.

Kokorokokooo · 01/02/2026 21:03

You've chosen a bad man and live in an abusive home, one child already has a bad life inflicted by you that you cannot or will not leave the marriage and now you want to add more children to suffer are you actually fucking ok?

TheJoyousHiker · 01/02/2026 21:00

Have you factored in that your DH might want 50/50 contact if you separate ? Would you be happy with that ?

Original poster
ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:55

Nezukokamado · 01/02/2026 20:53

'surely all kids would rather be alive than not'

What bizarre thinking - maybe no more kids?

Ok. You'll have to explain this to me like im really stupid. Maybe I am. But im not in any other area of my life. Pls explain.

I was born into a home of parents who didnt love one another. And im pleased they had me! Of course I am! I mean my preference would be loving parents but im grateful they both loved me, just were just a shitty couple

OP posts:
Nezukokamado · 01/02/2026 20:53

'surely all kids would rather be alive than not'

What bizarre thinking - maybe no more kids?

Original poster
ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:51

Leafonastick · 01/02/2026 20:50

So would this plan involve asking the (sexiest and uncaring) man to have a baby jointly, or would you just be getting pregnant? Or would you tell him you’ve stopped birth control? Or just do it without informing him?

If you’re ’too old to find someone else’ then pregnancy may not happen anyway. You need to make your peace with having one child. If you wanted to be a single mum of 3, you should have gone down the donor route, unfortunately. You don’t want to be more tied to a man you don’t love and who is sexist.

Of course, if he actually wants a second, then you perhaps can seriously consider this, but otherwise it’s a terrible idea.

Edited

Oh we would make the decision together. We both love being parents. We just dont love each other.

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 01/02/2026 20:51

Would your husband consent to sex, and making a baby, if he knew you planned to leave him? If the answer is no, as I very much suspect it is, then yes of course YABU.

Original poster
ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:51

Bonkers1966 · 01/02/2026 19:45

I was in a similar situation in my twenties. I decided to stick to the one child I had and got rid of the partner as soon as. To this day I regret not having a second child.

Hmm that's what I think will happen. Im sorry you have that regret. I can see what you stuck at one. Maybe everyone is right. And im being insane.

OP posts:
Leafonastick · 01/02/2026 20:50

So would this plan involve asking the (sexiest and uncaring) man to have a baby jointly, or would you just be getting pregnant? Or would you tell him you’ve stopped birth control? Or just do it without informing him?

If you’re ’too old to find someone else’ then pregnancy may not happen anyway. You need to make your peace with having one child. If you wanted to be a single mum of 3, you should have gone down the donor route, unfortunately. You don’t want to be more tied to a man you don’t love and who is sexist.

Of course, if he actually wants a second, then you perhaps can seriously consider this, but otherwise it’s a terrible idea.

Original poster
ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:49

missmollygreen · 01/02/2026 20:36

It is not a difficult one. It is massively selfish and unreasonable.

The OP basically wants to get a baby then force the STBXH to support it when she leaves.

This is very fucked up

Show quote history

I would be paying to spousal support to him if anything

V interesting to see so many PP presume I am the stay at home/in need of cash. The opposite is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:48

Just to clarify I earn a v good wage and own my home outright. I know divorce is costly but I've worked it all out and I will be 100% fine even if I pay my ex spousal. I understand about H not being ideal. But hes loving, attentive, just a shitty husband. I dont want to stay but I know i cpuld give a 2nd child a very nice life. V loving grandparents, a wonderful part time nanny, a great school and im a v committed mum. Yes, their dad isnt perfect and we'd be split up but the baby/child would have stability and love. My ex isn't a nasty man. Just some shitty attitudes to me as his wife. Sexism started coming out when I started earning a lot more than him. I still dont fully understand why its selfish. I mean I knew I would get this response but plenty of children are born into couples that divorce . I jsut am in full knowledge of that fact.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 01/02/2026 20:45

Utterly bonkers, mad, selfish, screwed up etc! 🤷
Get rid of the shitty husband and give your kid a good and happy life. Be a shining example of how to be a good human. Don't bring another child into a confused and fucked up situation.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 01/02/2026 20:43

Do you and your DH still have sex? I do see where you are coming from but I would struggle to do this if I didn’t even like the person.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 01/02/2026 20:43

Children should be created in love. This is such a bad idea.

DannyDeever · 01/02/2026 20:40

Does DH want a new baby? That's the deciding factor!

JLou08 · 01/02/2026 20:38

You can't see why a second child wih a sexist man would be a bad idea? If the children were the opposite sex there could be a lot of favouritism which would damage both boy and girl.
You have no idea what your DH will be like when you leave. He could make your life hell or just disappear with another woman, both of which would be harmful for a child. Yes, you already have 1 who will be harmed but why have another put through that?

missmollygreen · 01/02/2026 20:36

Marble10 · 01/02/2026 19:38

It’s a difficult one.. is it because you already have 1 with him, you think it’s easier to have the same dad , rather than meeting someone new and doing it all again? How would he react at having another child?

It is not a difficult one. It is massively selfish and unreasonable.

The OP basically wants to get a baby then force the STBXH to support it when she leaves.

This is very fucked up

cramptramp · 01/02/2026 20:33

You’re only thinking of yourself and what you want. Not the child.