To have a baby with a man i dont love

She pretty much already is for 14 years though.

Is it that strange? Up until really quite recently love was not a core factor in a marriage for most women… they got married to someone suitable, arranged by their parents and they had babies with that man. Even today many many women are making pragmatic decisions such as ‘I don’t love this selfish toad with bad breath one bit but we have 3 dc , a part time job to fit in with parenting and he would never share parenting effectively, so I’ll stay at least until the dc are all 18.’

I wouldn't do it, personally.
In very different circumstances to the OP, I had to make a decision to limit my family size to one child. It's not easy BUT at the end of the day, the imperative to act with integrity, transparency and consideration for my existing family members totally overrides my need for a second baby, thoughts of "who will be around the table at Christmas in 20 years time" and wanting to experience those newborn snuggles again. Maybe I'm just wired different, I dunno 🤷‍♀️ there clearly do seem to be folks on here with a baby at all costs mentality and I just really struggle to understand it.
Also serious question for the OP - are you sure you are ok to go through with the emotional and physical vulnerability of late pregnancy, birth and postpartum with a husband you don't love or even like very much? From my side, I had quite a rough recovery from birth and just don't think I'd intentionally choose to go through that experience in a situation where I already knew there was an emotional disconnect with my spouse AND sexist attitudes at play.

I’m surprised 21% think YANBU. I guess that’s the ‘have a baby at any cost’ crowd.

Well, he needs to consent at the very least

It's a terrible idea because it ties you to a sexist, uncaring man you don't love for at least 18 years. If you would like another child, foster, adopt or go down the IVF route once you're divorced and have a stable home to bring another child up in.

This. You don't necessarily need IVF just donated sperm.

I think that using a man you don't love as a sperm donor in a miserable relationship just because you fancy having another baby to cheer yourself up is about as selfish as it gets.

Whether morally ok or not i probably would in your shoes.
Much better idea than doing it yourself with a sperm donor - that means your baby never knowing their Dad, having a baby with your husband means your baby gets a loving father and a full sibling

It also would not necessarily be in the best interests of her existing children.

I would put all your energy and love into the child you already have and focus on splitting from your husband and co-parenting in an amicable way. If you figure that out and still feel something is missing, then there are plenty of other ways you can be an influential figure in a young person's life. Volunteering to help kids with reading, or helping out at a youth club etc, it doesn't necessarily need to be as extreme or permanent as creating another life or adopting.

I don't think it's correct that every child would prefer to be born rather then not. I've certainly never felt this way and remember even as a very young child thinking I would much rather my parents had never had me.

OP, if you are financially strong without support, then I think you should.
I would get good legal advice.
I would start squirreling away money in a deliberate way, perhaps putting into a family members account.
I would separate finances and pay your share into joint account.
You are in an abusive relationship and you need to protect yourself.
Shore up money for a mat leave.
Buy prepaid cards as a way to have extra money.
Talk to family and friends.
Long term it might be worth reducing your hours dramatically to divorce him without paying for him.

Spousel payment is an awful idea to a man who is nasty to you because of your success.
Avoid it if you can.

I’m a single mum with three kids. It’s not a life I’d choose. I left my husband for similar reasons to you but I already had 3 kids at that point. So no, I wouldn’t go out of my way to make life difficult for myself or my children. And honestly, who ‘dreams’ of being a single mum of three children? That’s bizarre!

There really should be some law about who can procreate.

”Surely all kids would rather be alive than not”
Jesus.

@ComeAtMe

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

How can a kid ( your words) would rather be alive than not ?
You don't having thinking children in your fallopian tubes , you have secondary oocyte/ovum .

I wonder how old you are and have you really thought through single parenthood and everything that brings .

God this thread is depressing

I will never understand women who have children with men that they know to be shit dads. “He sees his kids EOW and we’ve recently had a baby”, “one more doesn’t really make a difference”

I had a baby with someone that turned out to be utterly useless. I left him by the time my daughter turned 2. He continued to be a dog shit dad and went on to have 2 more, daughter is now NC with him. I’m sorry but I just think it’s the height of selfishness to subject another baby to a shit parent, how can you be a good mum when this is your starting point?

to clarify- I meant going down the donor route before getting with this guy. Doesn’t make sense to do that but then claim your dream is to be a single mum

In theory it’s ok. I’m a lone parent is DD16 so I will say this. One is way more manageable.
six figure income so could afford a nanny early years then good private school. But you need to consider the risks here of what having a second child brings for example if they have profound needs. Honestly I would get out now and give your DC a great life.

Why would you trap your DH by having a 2nd child and then taking that child away?

You're thinking of you not the child. Don't do it.

* I meant to say too old, not too young, in my previous post!

I've had periods in 35 years with my DH ,where I seriously considered leaving him .
We have had some truly awful times ..but having come from divorced parents it made me not want that for my DC ..
And I'm glad we didn't divorce..now the DC are much older ,some are adults some late teens ,it's so much easier and less pressured and we are more relaxed.we get on better ,we both want the best for our children.id hate to be in a relationship with a step parent resenting every penny I spend on my DC .

Have you tried relate for counselling..it's doesn't sound all bad with your DH ..if it was horrendous you would be long gone by now .
If it was horrendous you wouldn't be willingly considering sex and willingly considering a baby with a horrendous man.
So I think you need to talk to your DH and work out how to make this marriage work .

I think you run the risk of sexism emerging again very strongly when you decide to leave him. Or when you are pregnant for the second time.

And he isn’t a good parent of he is sexist and uncaring in his dealings with you op because of how that manifests itself.

Also, children model their own relationships on how their parents interact.

Plus if your second baby is a son then you risk having a child who identifies very strongly with the same sex parent and ends up absorbing his father’s values.

And a dd could suffer sexism
herself once she becomes an adolescent.

I know you are dealing with all of the above when you have one child anyway, but you could be so much freer if you stick to one and in doing so you reduce the number of times that you have to interact with this man.

You say you are too young to start again with another man but you never know how life turns out. You might have step children enter your life.

And horrible though your dh sounds, I guess morally I couldn’t have sex with a man in order to get pregnant, knowing I was going to leave him. It would feel cynical and dishonest. And I wouldn’t want a child of mine conceived with those values.

I suppose I don’t think that children are a right they are a blessing, and even though you want a second for the best of reasons and for your existing child as well as you, I think it is better to try and run with life’s punches rather than try and engineer a different reality.

Would you consider couples counselling @ComeAtMe ?

It’s sounds like you’ve replicated your own dp’s loveless marriage. Maybe there is something to work through ?

For what it’s worth, our babies were like bombs going off in our relationship. Twenty years later we’re a solid partnership but those baby years were tough.