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Original poster

SS destroyed his room last night

211 replies

SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 18:35

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 19:32

He was 13 by the time contact stopped and they would've taken what he wanted into account. Court wouldn't have helped. I've told DP I don't feel safe with him here but he hasn't listened

OP posts:
ApplesAreAmazing · 01/02/2026 19:30

I think he had a meltdown, he's probably embarrassed about the fact that he's messed up his life and it was a cry for help. Your DP is right he cannot abandon him. I think with some love and care, some ground rules like set out above and a frank chat that this is going to be really hard but you both believe he can change that he may well make it through. He's going to need a lot of support, both professional and from home, but hope is a wonderful thing and can really inspire young people. I've seen someone turn a young person around with a lot of support, and no judgement, just rules and love.

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 01/02/2026 19:11

Poor lad, he sounds broken. Please don't give up on him op.

FuzzyWolf · 01/02/2026 19:09

His mother has really let this boy down. Why didn’t your DP go to court to ensure contact? The adoption formalised his role in his life but it sounds like he couldn’t be bothered either and has also really let him down. Now his dad’s girlfriend (or boyfriend - I don’t want to assume) wants to kick him out. Poor kid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2026 19:06

Are there other children in the house?

Rayqueen2026 · 01/02/2026 19:05

Poor poor lad he has never had proper stability and now sounds like he may be running with the wrong crowd..you two sound lovely and I think with time, patience,rules, communication you could turn this lad around

NoYourNameChanged · 01/02/2026 19:02

hattie43 · 01/02/2026 19:00

I think this kid needs a stable loving home . His mother has been a useless parent and he’s dragged himself up . Set some rules and boundaries and start being a normal functioning family . If not he’ll be lost forever .

This. It certainly won’t be easy but your partner owes it to his son to try. He didn’t wreck his room at all, he smashed up some Lego, hardly the end of the world.

hattie43 · 01/02/2026 19:00

I think this kid needs a stable loving home . His mother has been a useless parent and he’s dragged himself up . Set some rules and boundaries and start being a normal functioning family . If not he’ll be lost forever .

itsthetea · 01/02/2026 18:59

So a child who has been abandoned by his mother at a very difficult age - a child who is screaming for security - you have a chance to help this child but it’s a small one because it sounds like his mother totally failed him

cadburyegg · 01/02/2026 18:59

Where do you think he should go? If he’s kicked out of another house his behaviour will only worsen and who knows where he’ll end up.

I agree to lay out some ground rules. If he’s not in education he needs to be in work. Appropriate chores. He needs some stability and boundaries

wobblyweewoman · 01/02/2026 18:53

Well he didn't destroy his room did he? He smashed some Lego and ripped up a poster.
Big deal.
The point is you think he was on drugs, that's your starting point.
What are your house rules?
Time to think about them, talk to your partner, then together tell him what they are- out of bed every morning at 11 at latest, no drugs, do your own laundry, clean up after yourself, walk the dog, everyone must contribute so if you're not in education you must be in work and if it's only for a few days fine you don't have to contribute money but you have to help in the garden or whatever, etc etc etc, whatever is the case for your house.