SS destroyed his room last night

This is a good idea re the lego.

Nothing to add that others haven't already said. He had a meltdown, I feel for him. He obviously feels lost and like he has no control over his own life. He needs help, stability, and adults that care about him and consistently show up for him.

I’d be suggesting to my (if I had one) husband to find the instructions to build the Lego online, print off, and give him and SS some private time to re-build it.
They need to rebuild their relationship and I’d be doing EVERYTHING I could to support a Husband I loved to make that happen.
poor kid broke down after smashing Lego and ripping poster because he’s sad. A very sad 16yr old boy.

This post says it perfectly. What a poor boy, he’s had an awful start in life and must feel so unloved by everyone around him.

If you’ve got other kids I wouldn’t have him in the house

He has been abandoned by his mum and his biological dad. I'd cut him some slack and try and support him.

Are there other children in the house?

Do you mean DSS mother has left him with you permanently or just for this holiday?

A big well done to your DP who won't wash his hands of this child like everyone else seems to want to. His life has been royally fucked up by his mother, he's had no kind of stability and now she's washed her hands of him.

What you saw when he was crying was the real him, the rest is all an act - it's what he has to put on to try to protect what very little self esteem he has.

He currently doesn't even have the self esteem to take responsibility for what he's done, all he can do is blame someone else to try to protect himself. He really needs a lot of help not least due to the lack of any kind of education and and potential issues with drink and drugs.

If you don't feel safe with him right now then the best thing would be for your DP to get a place for the two of them so he can give him some stability and try to get him back on track.

He desperately needs to feel like he is somebody's priority.

It he watches “violent porn” I don’t blame you for feeling unsafe especially if you’re left alone with him. It’s not saying he will do anything but you have every right to feel the way you do. Your partner should take this into account without dismissing your concerns.

But he is also a teenage boy that’s been enabled to miss so many important years of school (how is this even allowed?!). He really needs help and his mother is not interested which is a shame!

This boy has had an horrendous life - his father wanted nothing to do with him, his mother left the only father figure he had known when he was young, she is clearly feckless when it comes to parenting, and has now swanned off with another bloke leaving him with your DH.
He hasn’t hit anyone, didnt damage the house, broke a toy and ripped a poster. Give him a break!

This. Everyone has left him. So he behaves badly to test you, to get in first, to push you away, to repeat the pattern that really he doesn't want, but that unconsciously does want, because it's the familiar shit that he knows. It's a defence mechanism.

He is a very angry young man. I wouldn’t feel safe around him, I’m sorry for his shit life but I wouldn’t trust him not to kill us in the night. He’d have to go.

How do you think people manage to get drugs when visiting a new country??
Ive no idea but they manage - my friends son managed to get coke all over the world no issues. (He’s clean now. Thank god).
If you know how to get drugs and you want them badly enough you know how to get them anywhere.

Poor kid. The years of sitting isolated at home won’t have helped anything. I think you need to adjust your expectations. He’s a young man who is likely to have a lot of issues and needs help. Can your DP pay for therapy for him? Would he go to school now? This could be a chance to change things.

How long is he supposed to be staying with you? Is your partner taking time off to do things with him?

It sounds as though he's been massively let down by his Mum, who has now pretty much abandoned him. He has no education so will have absolutely no prospects. I think you and your DH need to sit him down and talk to them, tell him you're there for him and you want to help him through this rough patch. Tell him he still has opportunities, he could go to college and study for English/maths or whatever and then go on to a course in something he enjoys. He needs support, not demonising. Him smashing the Lego isn't ideal but it's not the end of the world.

He didn’t destroy his room and given the shitty sounding life he has had with a terrible mum, no wonder he is struggling. And you and your partner sound quite shitty as well. He didn’t even bother with court? Even when he knew his son wasn’t being schooled and wasn’t being parented, he still didn’t even bother to go to court and fight for his child and fight to get him a better life with proper parenting? And now that the 16 year old is acting out because of the life you both left him in, you want to kick him out with nonsense about not feeling safe? Grow up.

This child has been abandoned by his biological dad, his mum left the only dad he's know and moved him away, never enforced a routine and let school slip. He's slipped through the nets left, right and centre. Now his mam has a new boyfriend and has gone on holiday without him, sending him to live with a man he hasn't seen properly in years.
I guarantee that he believes every person he gets close to will abandon him, and so he pushes them away before they get a chance to. If he does it, then he is in control, and (believes he) won't feel disappointed when they inevitably leave.

What he needs is someone to prove that that isn't the case. Someone to put strong boundaries in place and still love him when he breaks them (because he will). Hell break them over and over again to push someone away. It's a self fulfilling thing.

This poor kid needs love and stability. It's really lovely that his dad is still trying

"He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense"

Why does he hate his life? This is the kernel. He sounds really unhappy.

What a lot of old nonsense. He definitely did not “destroy his room”. Also, how do you think he managed to get hold of “something” when he hasn’t lived in your locale for 5 years?

So, this boy's life is..

• born to an immature 17 year old girl
• no contact with his real father
• he's adopted by your DP who then splits up with his mother
• just before he starts secondary school his mum gets with a new man and he's yanked away from everything he knows to a new area 2.5 hours away
• his mum allows him not to go to school
• social services don't do anything
• his mum gets with a new man, declares she's done with him and palms him off on you

I think it’s a bit disingenuous people asking OP why she doesn’t feel safe. There is a violently upset, man-sized (16 year old) teenager breaking things. Sometimes being violent to things escalated to being violent to people. Yes, clearly the poor child needs help, but gaslighting OP isn’t going to help.

OP talk to your DP about how you are feeling scared, and what you both can do to help in this situation, including getting some outside help.

That might include setting firm boundaries with SS, explaining that you love him, empathise with what is happening and want to help him, but that throwing and breaking things is not acceptable.

Why don't you feel safe op? Are there other children living in your home?

Are you made of Lego op

Why don't you feel safe with him there? He smashed Lego and ripped a poster - no big deal there!

Has he threatened you? Can you not understand why he's behaving like this?