SS destroyed his room last night

This

Dont we empower women to ensure that they are not unsafe and forced to put up with situations for other peoples sake?

I think the husband and his son should move out to an airbnb or hotel for the 10 day holiday.

Yes, he's a hurt child but there is a lot more here. Drinking, possibly drugs, and I'm thinking he might have got into some really dark stuff online. Brushing all this off as 'boy gets upset and has tantrum' helps no one, including the boy himself.

He sounds in very deep pain. He needs love, sympathy and understanding, but also boundaries and consequences. The rest of us have to live by them, and glossing over a traumatised kid's bad behaviour doesn't address the issue in any way whatsoever.

Having said all that, I do agree with pp who said he needs to hear that he is loved.

So he’s 16, a school refuser, watches violent porn and spends time on discord. He’s shown aggression by damaging stuff in his room, followed by ‘ look what you made me do’ and the following day denies it ever happened. Oh, and he drinks, and OP suspects he takes drugs. OP has other children in the house, and you don’t think this boy represents a threat to any of them ? And whether he is or isn’t a threat is beside the point. OP doesn’t feel safe in her own home and her DP refuses to listen to her concerns.

Of course he owes him something!! He adopted him FFS! He's his legal guardian! You can't just dump a child you adopted!

You’re speaking about him as if he had been violent towards you, rather than throwing a bit of a tantrum in his own room. Saying you are scared of him after one visit where he has been upset is severely disingenuous. Just because you don’t fancy having him around, don’t make a teenage boy who’s been let down by everyone around him sound like a monster for throwing his own Lego model and ripping a poster.

Take him, get him a decent adolecent therapist to work through years of neglect and confusion.

He needs care, help and love, not judgement and anger.

Some really shitty comments on here. Op has every right to feel safe in her own home. 16 year old boys can be big and strong, any act of aggression is unacceptable. This kid isn’t biologically related to either the op or her dh and while it’s admirable that her dh maintained contact with him, he doesn’t ‘owe’ anything. I feel sorry for the lad but he needs to learn how to behave.

This is heartbreaking. Poor lad, feeling unwanted. As for phone etc hardly smashing up a room. He needs love and security.

@SkinTotal your Dp adopted him so he is his dad- your post makes it sounds like you see DSS as less than as he’s not bio related. He is clearly struggling. He’s your Dp’s son and needs help- are you asking on here what help to give? It sounds like you just want rid of him.

It was disgusting that your DP dared him to do it. He did play a part in the outcome. The GP can help with referrals and there's information on the NSPCC website. If things escalate it's appropriate yo phone the Police.

So you’ve got kids? If your kid at 12 years old said they didn’t want to see you anymore, and had another adult to go and stay with, would that be it for you then? You wouldn’t bother with court or mediation or anything? You’d just say, “ah well, the court will take what they say into consideration so I won’t bother.”

This boy has had no adult ever actually try. Your husband just didn’t bother, even when knowing how bad his situation was. Now you want to kick him out. At least you and your husband are perfect for each other.

No-one has asked for this god awful situation - not least this poor boy. Your DP is a good man, please see that he is very much this lad's only chance for a better life. I would say he is not a lost cause, very far from it if he is opening up and saying he hates his life. He is screaming out for help.

Oh dear lord this is so similar to my OH’s childhood it’s uncanny.

Are you a professional in this kind of area? You should be. ❤️

I was expecting to read that he had up-ended his bed, punched holes in the door and thrown stuff out of the window at the very least, not broken a lego model and ripped a poster! He sounds sad, angry and lost.

similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

stop projecting this onto him, he is a distressed child having a scene with his dad. If you continue to tell yourself stories like this you going to make a difficult situation intolerable. Contact CAPA first response or another organisation that specialises in dealing with child to adult aggression and please stop pouring petrol on the fire by exaggerating, he didn’t smash his room and from the sounds of it You have no evidence of drug taking

How old are the other children in the house?

Come on. That's your partners child. Saying you dont feel safe is a massive exaggeration. He smashed some lego and got upset. He didn't threaten you.
Hes 16. And from the sounds of it has been massively neglected.
You shouldn't be putting pressure on literally the only stable parent figure in his life to also get rid of him. Thats awful.

your partner is his legal father. Let him help him ....it is between men, hopefully will work. The boy did not cry and said things which are nonsense. He hates his life - this is a real revelation

There are some hysterical responses on here.

Until recently I taught boys like this. You both need to get in touch with social services and engage with early help- they aren’t ‘useless’ as long as you engage.

Is he with you permanently or just while she is on holiday? SS would be able to help with local college courses, outreach, mentors etc. He is not beyond help but he has to want to engage.

You haven’t answered as to whether you have children?

He would get nurture and thrive amongst basic lessons at a PRU or SEN provision. Lots of older children ‘thrive’ once they go back to basics and fill in the gaps that are obviously missing. The damage he has done is to personal stuff so he is causing himself hurt and pain and is lost. That explains the tears…. What happens next for him?

Just depends if you are both going to commit to him?

This, but I would add, doesn’t trust him in house and leaves him with your DH who he has not seen or had meaningful contact with for three years??

No wonder the poor guy is angry. Some real clear talking and boundaries needed.

he is 16. So you either open the door and work it out or you don’t.

But there needs to be clear rules, counselling, love and support.

I would actually go as far as saying that there is no benefit to seeing his mother at this time.

But, on the other hand this is a damaged “adult” who can vote and get married (Scotland).

I don’t know who else you have in your home but for me it would be the equivalent of one of my dc friends.

if you and DH don’t want, are not able, or not willing, to do this. Walk away now. Because the last thing he needs is another break down

He doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. Poor boy. It will be very hard but there is hope. I appreciate of course that you are in shock and probably wondering how it all happened quite suddenly but that boy has had almost no support or stability in his life. Stupid mother still hasn’t grown up.

Somebody needs to tell that kid ” You cannot make me stop loving you,” over and over and over again..

Poor little thing.

Don’t let them gaslight you, the lying afterwards and denying it happened is pretty twisted. Combined with his inability to take responsibility (look what you made me do), and his love of violent porn, he sounds like a very dangerous young man.

If the OP and her partner do succeed in sorting the boy out I would guarantee that his 'mother' would want him back as a cash cow.