Page 6 | SS destroyed his room last night

saraclara · 01/02/2026 21:39

It's so easy to sit in front of a computer screen and tell someone who's actually got an angry young man in her house destroying things, who she knows watched violent porn and thinks is taking drugs, that she should be feeling sorry for him and giving him a hug.

Oh, and that she's unreasonable to worry about her safety and that of her own children.

Yes, from the comfort of my safe sofa, I feel sorry for the SS too. He's clearly had an awful life. But right now, in her place I'd be feeling unnerved and concerned about my family's safety, too.

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:38

Mistoponta · 01/02/2026 21:33

It's OP's 'own home' too. If a 16-year-old was on drugs and behaving aggressively in a home with other, younger children in it I would absolutely be looking to remove them from that home if there wasn't immediate and significant changes to that behaviour. You can still be a parent and parent the child while at the same time acknowledging the dangers posed by said child. You do not have to accept any and all behaviour.

You're crying about the 16-year-old's feelings, what about the other children? And their safety?

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What actual evidence is there that anyone in the house was at risk? What actual evidence is there he took drugs?
Hes upset and had a meltdown which is pretty understandable
I care about the boys feeling as many on this thread do because it seems every single adult in his life has taken leave of him and literally can't be bothered to deal with him. And that's so sad.

You would not be saying any of this if he was a bio child.
Teenagers sometimes shout and cry.
Those other children in the house are his half siblings legally.
I bet they'll come a point when they hit their teens when one or both of them have a meltdown. Slam doors, swear and cry.
Do you think for one minute op would be thinking of asking them to leave?

There's no evidence of risk to them. Was anything directed at them? No.
Utterly ridiculous.
If you have siblings you may occasionally hear them having a meltdown.
This is part of life its part of parenting.

Sunshiningxx · 01/02/2026 21:38

He dont feel he is loved or wanted any where he goes.
Living with you lot that are not even blood just a man thats been their on and off in his life.
He must feel awful.

MissingSockDetective · 01/02/2026 21:36

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:34

No it isn’t his home, it’s somewhere his mother has dumped him so she can go on holiday with her latest squeeze. Contact stopped at 13 and the boy didn’t want anything to do with DP. And l haven’t said anything about him being biological or adopted. It’s irrelevant. My comment was from the point of view that the boy clearly represents a threat to OP and her children, and that her being made to feel unsafe in her own home is totally unacceptable. So many posters turning a blind eye to that is shocking.

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If his dad lives there, it is one of his homes.

MissingSockDetective · 01/02/2026 21:35

Mistoponta · 01/02/2026 21:33

It's OP's 'own home' too. If a 16-year-old was on drugs and behaving aggressively in a home with other, younger children in it I would absolutely be looking to remove them from that home if there wasn't immediate and significant changes to that behaviour. You can still be a parent and parent the child while at the same time acknowledging the dangers posed by said child. You do not have to accept any and all behaviour.

You're crying about the 16-year-old's feelings, what about the other children? And their safety?

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But he only broke a toy and ripped a poster, if an older sibling did that you wouldn't immediately jump to throwing then out! It needs dealing with but the reaction that he must leave instantly is too much. The streets would be overrun with teenagers if all parents threw them out on this basis!

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 01/02/2026 21:34

It is a horrible situation OP and you have my sympathy. But also this is a child, your dp’s son and that child needs someone to step up and help him turn it around.

Your dp needs to prioritise his son who is in a crisis. If you feel unsafe, I’m sorry to say it but you might need to live separately for a while until this is resolved.

Could you live with giving up on him and the potential consequences? Would your dp be the man you thought he was if he didn’t prioritise his son? Are you going to force him to choose?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:34

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:26

That's his home too. He is legally her husbands child.
If your child had a strop would you chuck them out at 16? For watching porn or saying things you didn't agree with? No. You'd parent them. BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARENT.
This is such a disgusting view that this child is somehow disposable because he's not a bio child
Absolutely awful. No wonder the kid is acting up.
Imagine this was you at 16.. if you have any empathy at all.. how would you feel being treated like a random intruder in your own home? An optional extra by your own legal guardian?

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No it isn’t his home, it’s somewhere his mother has dumped him so she can go on holiday with her latest squeeze. Contact stopped at 13 and the boy didn’t want anything to do with DP. And l haven’t said anything about him being biological or adopted. It’s irrelevant. My comment was from the point of view that the boy clearly represents a threat to OP and her children, and that her being made to feel unsafe in her own home is totally unacceptable. So many posters turning a blind eye to that is shocking.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 01/02/2026 21:34

Why are people acting like being a dad is optional?

That’s his son.

He has a huge responsibility towards him.

Just as much as his kids with OP.

Mistoponta · 01/02/2026 21:33

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:26

That's his home too. He is legally her husbands child.
If your child had a strop would you chuck them out at 16? For watching porn or saying things you didn't agree with? No. You'd parent them. BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARENT.
This is such a disgusting view that this child is somehow disposable because he's not a bio child
Absolutely awful. No wonder the kid is acting up.
Imagine this was you at 16.. if you have any empathy at all.. how would you feel being treated like a random intruder in your own home? An optional extra by your own legal guardian?

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It's OP's 'own home' too. If a 16-year-old was on drugs and behaving aggressively in a home with other, younger children in it I would absolutely be looking to remove them from that home if there wasn't immediate and significant changes to that behaviour. You can still be a parent and parent the child while at the same time acknowledging the dangers posed by said child. You do not have to accept any and all behaviour.

You're crying about the 16-year-old's feelings, what about the other children? And their safety?

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:31

dreamiesformolly · 01/02/2026 21:28

Are you seriously trivialising this as a strop?

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No. It IS a strop. He smashed a lego building abd tired a poster.
Which many people do when they are 16.
I did similar at 16. Luckily im my parents bio child so they didn't throw me out on the street. Apparently its okay to massively iverreact if its just an adopted child??
Teenagers act up. Especially ones who have had a hard time
He hasnt hit anyone. He didn't break anything of value. He was crying.
Yes this was a strop.
Its not trivial because clearly this lad is struggling but to try to make him out to be some kind of terror that needs to leave is beyond understanding

dreamiesformolly · 01/02/2026 21:28

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:26

That's his home too. He is legally her husbands child.
If your child had a strop would you chuck them out at 16? For watching porn or saying things you didn't agree with? No. You'd parent them. BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARENT.
This is such a disgusting view that this child is somehow disposable because he's not a bio child
Absolutely awful. No wonder the kid is acting up.
Imagine this was you at 16.. if you have any empathy at all.. how would you feel being treated like a random intruder in your own home? An optional extra by your own legal guardian?

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Are you seriously trivialising this as a strop?

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:28

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:26

OP didn’t adopt him though, and she doesn’t feel safe with him there - not to mention there are other children in the house.

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If shes married to his father then she accepted that when she married.
She can't just pretend she didn't.
She can leave if she wants but acting like her husband is somehow at fault for not abandoning his child is horrific

MissingSockDetective · 01/02/2026 21:27

icequeenelsa · 01/02/2026 21:09

Some really shitty comments on here. Op has every right to feel safe in her own home. 16 year old boys can be big and strong, any act of aggression is unacceptable. This kid isn’t biologically related to either the op or her dh and while it’s admirable that her dh maintained contact with him, he doesn’t ‘owe’ anything. I feel sorry for the lad but he needs to learn how to behave.

Completely wrong. When he adopted him he became his father, just as much as a biological father would be.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:26

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:23

He adopted him!! He is the legal guardian!! Yes he does 'owe' the chold (although that's a sickening way to look at it whst is wrong with you)

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OP didn’t adopt him though, and she doesn’t feel safe with him there - not to mention there are other children in the house.

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:26

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:15

So he’s 16, a school refuser, watches violent porn and spends time on discord. He’s shown aggression by damaging stuff in his room, followed by ‘ look what you made me do’ and the following day denies it ever happened. Oh, and he drinks, and OP suspects he takes drugs. OP has other children in the house, and you don’t think this boy represents a threat to any of them ? And whether he is or isn’t a threat is beside the point. OP doesn’t feel safe in her own home and her DP refuses to listen to her concerns.

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That's his home too. He is legally her husbands child.
If your child had a strop would you chuck them out at 16? For watching porn or saying things you didn't agree with? No. You'd parent them. BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARENT.
This is such a disgusting view that this child is somehow disposable because he's not a bio child
Absolutely awful. No wonder the kid is acting up.
Imagine this was you at 16.. if you have any empathy at all.. how would you feel being treated like a random intruder in your own home? An optional extra by your own legal guardian?

MissingSockDetective · 01/02/2026 21:26

The thing is, your partner is his dad and it sounds like he is pretty much the only one who is ever going to be there for him. It won't be an easy fix, he will need a lot of help, maybe counselling etc, but as a father he cannot simply.abandon his son, just as you would not abandon your children. Has your dh spoken to social services about what options there are to help him?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:24

Crankyaboutfood · 01/02/2026 21:21

you married a decent man. Try to help this young man.

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OP has concerns for the safety of her and their other children while this boy is there, and with good reason. I don’t think it’s the mark of a decent man to dismiss them out of hand.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2026 21:23

My own children would be my priority. Another act of aggression or drugs anywhere near the house and I’d be taking them elsewhere or asking DH to take his older son somewhere. And of course you and the other kids have a right to feel safe in your own home. This boy has had an awful childhood but it’s not your fault anymore than it’s his. At his age my brothers were both 6 foot 3 and twice as wide as my mum.

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 21:23

icequeenelsa · 01/02/2026 21:09

Some really shitty comments on here. Op has every right to feel safe in her own home. 16 year old boys can be big and strong, any act of aggression is unacceptable. This kid isn’t biologically related to either the op or her dh and while it’s admirable that her dh maintained contact with him, he doesn’t ‘owe’ anything. I feel sorry for the lad but he needs to learn how to behave.

He adopted him!! He is the legal guardian!! Yes he does 'owe' the chold (although that's a sickening way to look at it whst is wrong with you)

Shedeboodinia · 01/02/2026 21:22

You need to extend your arms to this kid.its going to be very hard but it seems you are his only hope.
Keep trying.
Hes no the only teen to take drugs, get angry or throw something. Its not ideal but he's not completely off the rails, yet.
You can't commit to adopting someone then walk away when it gets a bit tough so your DH should make him the priority for a bit, just as any decent parent would for their child.

Crankyaboutfood · 01/02/2026 21:21

SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 18:35

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

you married a decent man. Try to help this young man.

Mistoponta · 01/02/2026 21:20

I know this is MN and anyone can post but this is why asking on here is a mistake, OP. Misinformed, weird takes on the situation have created some truly odd posts. Not least the dismissal that a 16-year old cannot be physically intimidating or violent - and that loss of control in an argument isn't a cause for concern regardless of whether it was 'just lego'. When he clocks DH or OP on the nose everyone will cry they should have acted sooner.

Also, the classic you just need to 'sit down with him, tell him no more drugs and go to school' and all will be solved.

He's clearly in need, there's clearly a lot of work to do here, and it's clearly a risky situation to have him in your home. Don't take advice on how to proceed from anyone on here.

Octavia64 · 01/02/2026 21:19

icequeenelsa · 01/02/2026 21:09

Some really shitty comments on here. Op has every right to feel safe in her own home. 16 year old boys can be big and strong, any act of aggression is unacceptable. This kid isn’t biologically related to either the op or her dh and while it’s admirable that her dh maintained contact with him, he doesn’t ‘owe’ anything. I feel sorry for the lad but he needs to learn how to behave.

Her dh adopted him.

her dh does owe the child.

teenagers are adult sized. But they are still capable of toddler style meltdowns. I used to teach in a secondary school and I’ve seen a few.

they can look scary (full sized person crying and running and shaking etc). But once you’ve seen a couple you realise they are just kids inside there.

teenage boys in particular. They look like men. But they can be incredibly emotionally fragile and need support.

this boy clearly needs support. I can understand why you don’t feel safe - so discuss with your dh how to handle the situation next time.

soupyspoon · 01/02/2026 21:18

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/02/2026 21:15

So he’s 16, a school refuser, watches violent porn and spends time on discord. He’s shown aggression by damaging stuff in his room, followed by ‘ look what you made me do’ and the following day denies it ever happened. Oh, and he drinks, and OP suspects he takes drugs. OP has other children in the house, and you don’t think this boy represents a threat to any of them ? And whether he is or isn’t a threat is beside the point. OP doesn’t feel safe in her own home and her DP refuses to listen to her concerns.

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This as well

And I love the suggestions for therapy, he really sounds like he would engage doesnt he!!!

mushforbrain · 01/02/2026 21:17

@icequeenelsa its not ‘admirable’ it’s his responsibility!!! He adopted him, he is his father ffs