SS destroyed his room last night

Excellent Post. Very well put nfjufg.

Threads like this must make adopted people feel really shit.

What's with the 'He's not even his' and 'Ditch him' comments. If this was a biological child nobody would be saying that the child's only remaining parent should wash his hands of him so just stop it. It's horribly offensive.

OP I don't know what the answer is and it could even be that you and your DP need to live separately for a while if you're not safe in the house with his son. But he does need to help his son.

Nobody wants this boy and he knows it.

Life is unfair sometimes and you get brought up by selfish people.

Direct him to the council and get his name on a housing list, he's better off on his own. His own safe space.

He clearly feels unsafe at your house, hence the idea that he's being poisoned.

I don't think you can make things right, maybe have your partner direct him to the GP for some councelling of some sort but really this lad is just coming to terms that he's on his own in this world.
Hope he gets a decent girlfriend that helps him take his mind off this this shitshow.

There are many like him.

Agree. Though honestly some affection and kindness wouldn't do him any harm either, but you're right it's not going to fix things. He needs structure, boundaries and I'd get him in therapy too.

You need some outside help, I wouldn't be happy with this sort of behaviour around my toddler either. But he didn't destroy his room, and it doesn't help when you catastrophise like that.

I feel really sorry for him tbh, but your job is to protect your own child.

I'd try him in therapy to begin with.

He's not a baby - he's an angry teenager who drinks, takes drugs and watches violent pornography.
The time for cuddles is long since past.

He needs to be on a structured programme for troubled teens, an apprenticeship or if he is 16, he needs to get a job. If he is just moping around he will be a danger to OP and her toddler. I wouldn't sign up for this with a toddler in tow.

He needs a reliable adult who is a decent parent and loves him. To be studying, in a routine, quiet home life, nice room, no worries. He’s not had that.

See in your situation I would see what he said as being like something a much younger child would say to their parent.

He was trying to put the blame on his dad because he doesn't feel like he has any control and he wants an adult to take responsibility.

Yes, he has been able to do what he wants with no barriers, but that isn't the same as having control over his life. The kid needs some rules and the knowledge that there is someone there who loves him irrespective as to whether he follows them. The opposite of what he is used to where nobody gave a shit what he did.

It's going to be tough but good for your DH being willing to have a go. The boy doesn't have many people on his side.

The poor baby who's now accusing OP of poisoning him? How is a cuddle going to put that right?

Good good. This place is insane sometimes.

I should go to bed.

The poor baby needs a cuddle. And a heart to heart with his adopted dad. What happened to talking things out with kids

Your concerns are valid and you have a toddler to think about and put first.
An unrelated male taking drugs and watching porn is a clear danger to you and your child when your husband is not around.
That rules it out for me.

The teenager needs to return home or be placed in care if his mother is not willing or able to look after him. He's already dropped out of school and unlikely to ever return. If there was no other child involved I might take a different approach but the toddler is your main concern.

You’ve got your baby to look after, don’t agree to DH going out, to work or anywhere else, leaving you with his son. If he tries to you need to get the baby and go out first. You are not responsible for looking after this angry distressed teenager.

Your DP can take emergency dependants leave, compassionate leave or unpaid leave.

He's clearly traumatised and neglected, especially if he says he hates his life. Your DP needs to look into therapeutic parenting.

This isn't going to last 'a few days'

You know deep down this IS because he's not a bio child

It's really nothing to do with that. You seem to be blinded by it, but no one else is. In fact many, many posters have explicitly confirmed his unshakeable position as DH's son.

Agree. The lad didn't choose to come to his dad's and has been dropped off for an undetermined length of time, but it could just be 10 days and this isn't fixable by DP if he doesn't want to be there and doesn't end up coming back.

I do agree that the dad should not be leaving OP to deal with this. He needs to book some family leave off work to spend some time transitioning his son into the new environment

Dad definitely should not be heading off to work and leaving you to deal with this. He may have to take some time off.

actually, how is the son even able to be there? Doesn’t he have school?

He's there for ten days. His father has to work. That is not conducive to camping trips and restorative parenting.

Well we don't have enough information to really know, but if it just the 16 month old baby, they could very easily go away for a few days with op while things settle down.

I never said he was a random. He adopted him so clearly has some obligations. However if I’m being really honest, I would struggle to welcome with open arms a child that wasn’t biologically mine who hasn’t wanted to see me in years and was acting like this.
The key point here is that the op doesn’t feel safe with him around. I actually feel for the dh he is in a shit position.

So you admit he owes his son something and he's not just a random he owes nothing to?

TBF I had to, as a teenager, share a house with a "male" who was angry and prone to outbursts , threatening violence etc. he was only a year older than me so technically a child but it's still scary and threatening when someone much bigger than you is raging away. The difference is he was given no boundaries at all. He was always calmed down from his ranting by being taken to buy cigarettes/given money so it of exacerbated the problem. And ultimately ruined hisife

That's why, whilst I think the OP should let her partner help the boy, I do think an important part of that help is boundaries. In the moment that can mean just standing there calmly while he rages as sometimes meeting the energy doesn't help. But he does need to be taught. In the same way that toddlers are taught to control themselves. You don't just give them what they want because it's normal for toddlers to tantrum.

That's probably me projecting though because from the OP the husband sounds quite on the ball with what the boy needs. If he just started plaatsing endlessly.to avoid confrontation is when I would think about alternative arrangements.

I don’t care who he is. He’s a male who makes OP feel unsafe. And with good reason. Many boys of this age are bigger and stronger than their parents and something about his demeanour makes her afraid for her safety. The minimisation of that on this thread is shocking.