SS destroyed his room last night

Agreed.

Do you have any other children in your home?

Your partner sounds like a good man. This boy needs stability and support and guidance. That doesn't mean that it isn't hard.

I know he's not been engaging with school at all, is he registered with a school at all or someone in education? Social services? I just think you could do with some support from people with Trauma Informed training, some guidance, and I think ideally some training for you and your partner so you can be well equipped with strategies and a shared approach.

He's had an awful experience so far, no stability or routine or boundaries. You and your partner have the opportunity to be there for him to make him feel safe and help him to find some direction.

He's also a teenage boy with all those hormones and feelings raging around in him. And it sounds like he's got a lot to be angry about. It's hard when it's at you but you could make a huge difference to this lad's life.

The drugs are a concern, he could be at risk of getting tangled up in county lines stuff and all sorts so I'd definitely seek as much help from professionals as possible.

Would he be interested in joining a gym or a boxing club? I know physical activity helps my boys to better regulate emotionally and get frustrations out in a safe way, gain positive male role models outside of family, feel good about themselves for physical progress etc.

I agree. If OP has other children, which she has, or feels unsafe herself, then they are her priorities. If it’s not safe, then he needs to either change, with professional help, or be sent back to his useless birth mother.

I mean I certainly will wait to see the threads where posters come on to tell us about their daughter's experiences at school at the hands of such a young man (sorry, child of course, baby that needs a cuddle) whereby he is violent, aggressive, paranoid etc and hear about how he really isnt a problem, has had a hard life, shouldnt be excluded or even kept away from their daughters at school, he only threw something, he didnt attack someone, other students just need to understand, make friends with him, not reject him, be in his friendship group (has he got friends?)

And before the predictable - 'its not the same, OP is an adult and married to his father' - yes of course, but she is scared of him and doesnt want to be around him. She has that right, just like anyone coming into contact with him. She isnt his mother.

Father needs to try to support him but equally this young man and he is a young man, needs to want to engage. He doesnt sound like he does, cries of 'get therapy' are so misguided, he doesnt want that, he doesnt want or cant respond to 'parenting' therapeutic or otherwise.

It’s not a young ma
its a child

if a mother had to chose between her husband and her child you would tell her to chose the child every time

She didn’t accept a disturbed and aggressive young man being dumped on her doorstep and then being forced to share her home with him, while having her concerns about the safety of herself and her child completely dismissed. Interesting that you think his father abandoning this boy is horrific, but you’d have no problem with him abandoning his wife and other child in order to prioritise him.

The crux of the matter here is not that OP wants rid of him it’s that she doesn’t feel safe around him. And that concern is being massively minimised here. MN tells women every day that they should advocate for themselves and shouldn’t compromise their own boundaries to accommodate the comfort of others. Yet this is exactly what she’s being asked to do here. If this was a partner displaying these behaviours, posters would be shouting LTB from the rooftops. Why is this any different ? A sixteen year old can be as big and strong as a fully grown adult and just as capable of abuse or aggression, which is clearly OP’s concern. What’s horrific is the shitty advice for her to just put up and shut up.

Agree. I’m hiding this thread now because l simply can’t believe the lack of concern for OP’s entirely reasonable worries about a boy who is a totally unknown quantity, and displaying huge red flags that would provoke cries of LTB if he were a partner. OP doesn’t feel safe around him. That’s the top and bottom of it. Posters are minimising her concerns and effectively telling her she should put her own safety and that of her child to one side and welcome this aggressive and clearly disturbed adolescent into her home without question. It’s batshit.

OP wherever absent or step parents are involved, if you don’t specify, people will make things up to fill in the gaps. MN hates step parents and by default every absent father is a deadbeat.

You need to get your partner on board with the fact that you don’t feel safe with this boy. Yes, he has a duty to him as his father, but he also has a responsibility towards you and your shared child. He needs to sort out some kind of safeguarding strategy and make sure you and your child are never left alone with the lad, until you both get to know and understand him a lot more. At the moment he’s an unknown quantity and is displaying some huge red flags behaviour wise.

MN would generally never advise a woman to accept being around a man who makes her feel unsafe. Your situation is no different and you’re titled to have your boundaries respected. I hope you and your DP manage to find a solution.

The poisoned food thing is something that I've experienced with an adult who has severe MH issues as a result of childhood neglect and abuse. I think it is related to paranoia (possibly caused or worsened by drugs) and trying to have some control because they feel so out of control. I would just ignore it and suggest he prepares and eats some toast, if he doesn't feel comfortable eating the food you prepared.

That being said, your partner needs to refer his son to social care in your area. You all need support to be able to help him. He needs specialist interventions and having social care involved and a social worker should make it a bit easier to get those in place.

You might find reading some of Sarah Naish's books on Therapeutic Parenting helpful. They are aimed at foster and adoptive parents. Also, there are a series of books that I found helpful, for example:

https://amzn.eu/d/17tEenj

100% this .

That lads life has been trauma after trauma and even if it was his mums choice to leave your husband and move away, that was still trauma for him.
We foster and yes kids can show aggression and be violent, which IS scary and if you haven't experienced its easy to say 'why would you be sacred?' so I totally get that but please realise that is coming from A CHILD who is upset, confused and angry and has every right to be. His brain is still a child's and has another 9 yrs to go before fully formed at 25yrs.

Kids believe they are inherently bad in these situations. They believe that it is because they are 'bad' that no-one sticks around for them. Ive heard many say 'what's wrong with me that makes people leave/not bother?'

Although older they will probably behaving at a much younger emotional age than their actual age.

The aggression is a challenge to see how you will react/what you will, a 'I'll push you away BEFORE you choose yo abandon me, cos thats what everyone does'. To me the lego set was very significant. This is something special to him, represents a good memory with your husband so by threatening, and then smashing it, hes self sabotaging a positive thing and his relationship with DH.

He needs lots of support and care from uour DH and you. Is the plan for him to stay with you? If his mum is 'done with him'? Is the new partner refusing to have him? Can uou imagine what that does to a kid ?? He probably has no idea as to what is happening and what happens when his mum and new partner get back from their holiday . That must be SO SCARY for him regardless of how tough and angry he is behaving.

Don’t shout at me, but with your partners help, and for his life going forwards, would he consider joining the Army / HM Forces?
At 17.5, he could have a year of working towards it, mentally, physically, join a gym, focus, meet others in your area, make plans, begin with discipline for himself and something on the horizon, a future for him to aim for?

(ex forces)

Too little too late based on what you’ve said..!!! You really need to seek support for him asap.. social services? He needs tough love and asap. His parents have let him down terribly.

DH and SS need to get into counselling and he needs support. Poor kid needs helps working out how to get his life back and the only place to start from is love, stability, rules and counselling

What a sad situation. Poor kid. He feels like he is so fundamentally flawed that no adult in his entire life wants anything to do with him. And he’s right on that part but it’s the adults who should feel guilty, not him.

Honorable mentions to the people who think “using discord” goes in the same bucket as watching violent porn and taking drugs. Weirdos.

And in terms of “how could he score if he hasn’t been there in years” - take it from someone who knows (clean now, thankfully) the answer is very very very easily. White and green are EVERYWHERE. “But we live in a tiny village with one pub” ….. EVERYWHERE.

This.

This poor boy.

You need to sit him down with you and DH and make a plan for his visit. Be honest, tell DSS he makes you feel unsafe when he behaves like that.

Give DSS a chance to speak, and really listen, not just to his words but between the lines.

Just because he has let his son down very badly does not make the child any less his son.

She has not said or implied he is a danger to her or her child, she just didn't like the way the boy spoke to his father, while he was weeping, after smashing up some lego.

Her instinct is to dump him. His father says no, he won't abandon him.

So that's that really, unless she can force his father to dump him, I suppose, or until he actually does something dangerous.

Then why has OP DH been so wishy washy? If he was a Dad - why didn't he fight when she moved 2.5 hrs away, or drag her through courts when DS wasnt going to school, or drive fucking 2.5 hours EOW to have a relationship. I don't think hes behaved like a "real" Dad at all - the only reason I can fathom of that is because hes adopted him and even he doesn't see himself as truly his Dad.

Regardless of that - he has missed out on these core formative years and now any attempt to play the "Dad card" is going to be laughed at by SS.

Where it relates to OP - she has an 16 month daughter in the home. She should trust her instincts on this boy and tell her DH to think of a way to support him without moving him in until hes more stable. I wouldnt want him stealing from me OR having him being near my DD if hes watching violent porn. I would worry for my childs safety.

Ok. This kid needs serious help, including therapy. Your dp can’t abandon him. Even if you don’t feel safe, he will have to find somewhere to live with him. He has already been so terribly let down by his parents (including dp). He needs serious help, serious therapy to address all of the issues.

For the millionth time, he adopted him so is as much his son as a biological child. It is so so offensive and inappropriate to suggest otherwise.

You mean you cannot be arsed. Yes, it is difficult, no he did not destroy his room, yes your husband is his father, yes writing him off makes you a bad person.

Anyone can be left without parents. It could happen to your kid too (no, don't pretend I am wishing that on anyone, you know I am not). I am quite sure you would find yourself pretty disgusting, as most of the commenters on the thread do, if you had to read about someone trying to slither out their duty to your own child the way you are currently trying to slither out of your duty to this boy who is your husband's son.

There are times a family member becomes too difficult and dangerous to deal with and you have to give up on them for your own protection.

This is not one of those times.

He's hoping against hope that you or HIS FATHER will at least pretend somewhat convincingly to give a shit about him, hence his behaviour.

Get the poor fucking boy some therapy, set some boundaries and try a bit of affection and attention.

To be honest with you: This teen is now almost a man. Contact stopped at 13 years old. Your DP is not his bio-dad. SS doesn’t want to see him.

At this point- he is damaged beyond what you could do for him. I think your DP should try to connect in these 10 days as a friendly adult, but after this, let him go and hope he comes back when hes got some perspective and grown up a bit.

Tell him you are always there for him when hes ready - but at 17 hes beyond being parented - especially as he probably doesnt understand what parenting is anyway since his mum sounds so useless.

If i were you, i wouldn't want him staying either, its not your problem to fix and the violent/intimidating behavior is not acceptable.

Totally agree. Biological or not if he adopted him he is his son, the same as a biological son would be. Dad needs to step up properly now.

Your DP needs to take compassionate leave until his son is slightly more settled. Living with you will be life changing for SS.
Insist on ground rules, doing chores, knowing where he is late at night, boundaries about drugs and alcohol and being home by a certain hour.
Your boundaries will help him stay out of trouble and he can blame the strict curfew etc.

SS and DP need to find some common area of interest.
pizzas, go-karts, ferrets, chocolate cake, surfings, fishing, rugby - find something that they can delve deeper into together. Would SS enjoy learning to drive?
Once a trust is earnt, seek professional career help with finding SS an area that he could qualify for a apprenticeship, or traineeship etc.

Find numbers for local drug rehab assistance.
Find numbers for local mental health issues.
You might need to call on expert help in the short term

A good aim would be that SS doesn't live with his Mum for a few years, not until SS is calm and has a future plan.