SS destroyed his room last night

Absolutely agree with this. The reason this has even been a debate is because he is a child (getting towards the very late stages of childhood though let’s be honest) and op is a stepparent (who are almost always treated unsympathetically on MN).

Op isn’t wrong to feel unsafe and uncomfortable based on the information she’s shared and if this were any other dynamic the replies would have been so much different.

I do actually feel for the boy who clearly needs help and support. I hope his dad can provide this for him but it shouldn’t be at the expense of the op’s safety.

What a load of misogynistic claptrap. He poses a threat because he has displayed unprovoked aggression, and blamed someone else for it - ‘look what you made me do’. Whether ‘apparently’ or not, the information that he watches violent porn and uses an unregulated website which is known to have been used for grooming came from his mother. Are you suggesting she just made it up ? He uses racist language - OP is non white, and OP suspects he drinks/uses drugs - so it’s not that she just doesn’t like him, she’s seen something that makes her feel unsafe.

And he didn’t just wake up the following day with no aggression. He completely denied that the previous days’ aggression had happened. OP doesn’t feel safe around him. The likelihood is that she will be left alone with him at some point because his dad works. He’s an unknown quantity.

We tell women all the time they shouldn’t allow their own boundaries to be compromised for the comfort of others. The issue here is not whether or not he poses an actual threat, but that OP perceives him as one. The notion that OP should just get on with it until ‘at some point he becomes a danger to somebody’ is batshit. Because the likelihood is that that somebody will be OP or her child.

Using Discord isn't like taking drugs

However, I would not like my child using it as it is frequently used by people with bad intentions to groom children. Or you just have very unhealthy chats with lots of porn, weird conversations etc. completely unregulated spaces for teenagers and adults to mix a anonymously are inherently a bad idea.

However, it should be viewed the same way a 13 I(I think that was the age the OP said he was when he was caught) year old girl caught drinking or sneaking out or chatting to strangers online should be treated. I't should firmly be put a stop to, but because the child is vulnerable and a potential victim. Not viewed as evidence the child is "bad".

The mother seems to have failed to control or support him and used his spiralling issues as an early teen as a way to try to get sympathy for herself. His dad needs to take time of work or do whatever he needs to right things at this stage.

Absolutely, the poor kid has had an awful time. And her response is 'i don't know what we can be expected to do, we should just turf him out' well if not them, then who?

Ditto the mother, but it sounds like she can’t be arsed. Just saying.

What you are describing, and seem to be suggesting is a lot for a father to do is bare basic bare minimum.

OP, you and your DP need to get on the phone to social services now and get thos poor boy some help and support. Get him back in the system and get yourselves some support.

Talk to the GP too. Do what you can to get him into some form of formal education.

The narrative appears to be very different here depending what side of the fence you’re on. Those siding with op are rightly pointing out the other concerns - violent porn, racism (when op is non white), potential drug taking. Those labelling the boy as a poor, lost letdown teen are minimising and claiming all he’s done is ‘break a toy’. There is obviously a huge middle ground here that none of us can presume we know because we aren’t there witnessing this and we don’t really understand the history or dynamic.

But if op genuinely feels unsafe or uncomfortable in her home that’s not ok and she shouldn’t be vilified for it. Stepparents always get their arse handed to them on MN no matter how awful the child’s behaviour is.

He poses zero threat according to the information given. Hyperbole is not your friend.

A weeping teenage boy threatening to smash up lego that he and his father had put together, and chucking a phone in his own room - despite you and OPs very best efforts to categorise him as an out of control Rebel without a Clue - simply does not, in any way, constitute a danger to anyone.

OP clearly dislikes him and wants nothing to do with him and still the very best she could come up with is that he tore up a poster and chucked his phone in his bedroom. She even had to justify the porn comment with "apparently" as she has not seen it herself and went on at some length about behaviours he has apparently engaged in - but not at her house, with his mother "apparently".

This is the absolute entirety of what he has done in OPs house since being dumped by his mother:

"He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood" (at this point OP speculates he had "taken something"). Around 2am he was in his room "crashing around" and he then threw his phone and ripped a poster before weeping and saying he hates his life.

He then slept and woke up nonchalant and with no aggression the next day.

So, no, his father can just parent him in his father's home if he chooses to, get him some therapy, show him love and boundaries. Since nobody has done a thing for him for years it is certainly worth trying anything at all.

You have no idea at all how he will react to being parented and loved and given boundaries and cannot in god faith make statements guessing the future.

If at some point the boy becomes a danger to anybody that can be addressed.

For now, he has not shown that he is a danger at all.

For now, he's just a sad and angry teenage boy who did had an argument with his father in his bedroom.

The main point is that the son doesn't want to be there. He decided at age 13 that he didn't want anything more to do with OP's DH. That may have been his genuine choice, feeling that his loyalty ought to be with his bio mum rather than his adoptive dad, or given that the ex caused a lot of problems for OP and DH when they got together it may have been his mum dripping things into his ear.

But he's been dumped with somebody he doesn't want to see by his mum who prioritises a holiday with her new man over her son. She's also said that she's 'done with him' so the expectation seems to be that he's his dad's problem now, not that this is a short term thing for the duration of the holiday.

The DH has tried. He's reported the school non attendance issue, he used to do a five hour round trip to see his son when they were still in contact. He doesn't want to abandon him now. But he's dealing with a very very angry young man whose mother has shoved him off to somewhere he doesn't want to be, with someone he doesn't want to be with.

Boundaries will mean nothing to him because he has no investment in the family. The DH parenting him will be met with hostility, resistance and non compliance. There is no overnight fix that one good heart to heart will resolve. And in the meantime he poses a threat to the OP and her children precisely because he's so angry he has no concern for anyone else.

I think if DH wants to try to be the parent this boy needs, it has to be away from the house and the others. OP and a baby shouldn't be put at risk.

Poor wain, he’s looking in every direction for an adult to love him, and each one he goes to lets him down. Without sounding too harsh from what you have stated, your reasons for feeling “unsafe” are ridiculous at best. If you don’t want him in your house due to feeling “unsafe” that’s fine but surely if you give one flying fuck about the child you’ve known since he was 8 you would agree DH should buy somewhere separate he lives with his son (adopted or not) to allow him a safe space he knows he’s wanted, loved and always wanted.

Nope, he's not unpredictable, it's totally predictable to start crying and have an argument with your dad when your mum dumps you, aged 16. He's behaving like an upset teenager and that is all.

And if he has drug or mental health concerns it's his father's job to address that. And that's an if because OP tried so very very hard to make him sound as awful and wild as she could and he still just sounded like an upset teen.

There is absolutely nothing, nada, not one word to suggest he's a danger to her or her child. If that changes, the approach changes.

She just cannot be arsed with him. But that is not her choice to make on behalf of his father.

He's also accused OP of poisoning his food, and refused to eat.

He is unpredictable and clearly has mental health issues or drug related issues.

Yes, what he seems to have been through is tragic, and OP 's husband will need to do what he can (though what's possible during a ten day stay is highly debatable).
But those things do not make OP unreasonable to be anxious about the family's safety.

Oh no wait he threatened to break the lego, threw his phone, tore a poster and cried while saying he hated his life. After his mother dumped him again.

Get to fuck with your bullshit concerns.

Lol. He broke some lego and cried. No reason to assume he's a danger to anyone. If that changes that can be addressed appropriately.

What you meant to say was you cannot believe the OPs callous lack of concern for a 16 year old boy as she's hoping his father dumps him, like his mother did.

I know hes the husbands son, did you mean to quote me, I didnt say otherwise.

I don't doubt he has MH issues etc but I don't see that we can help him

What have you, or rather his dad, actually tried? Has he sought professional support for his son and/or himself how to parent a child so desperately in need? That would be the minimum starting point that should have been initiated 3-4 years ago when the issues started.

But the 16 year old is his son, why did adopt him if he wasn't prepared to be a parent. The partner has to do something and it has to be better than what he's done so far!!

The partner adopted him, that makes him his son. So this kid has not been to school since year 7, how did you partner let that happen?

Wow- everyone has let him down.

He is 16, he is not an adult- ground him- he can’t go out and get drunk/do drugs then, limit your internet so it blocks certain websites, once he is ungrounded put a curfew in place, there is no way i would allow my 16 year old to come home at 2am, if he breaks curfew he is grounded again, he clearly is in need of some structure and boundaries which he will hate at first but will subconsciously realise that you care about him enough to enforce them, as for you not wanting him in your home i understand why you would feel a bit unsafe but tred carefully- you will basically be asking your dh to choose between his son and you.

Not a valid comparison. The ‘chlld’ in question is a 16 year old male, who may be as big and strong as a fully grown adult man and just as capable of inflicting physical harm. He’s displayed aggressive tendencies, drinks, watches violent porn and possibly takes drugs. He clearly doesn’t take responsibility for his actions - ‘look what you made me do’. Huge red flags. OP’s husband works, so her and her child are going to be left alone with him at some point. She doesn’t want that as she doesn’t feel safe with him. She’s entitled to have those concerns taken seriously and not be asked to compromise her own safety to accommodate the needs and wants of others. It’s disturbing that you can’t see the difference.

I can’t believe how many people are minimising the op feeling unsafe due to a violent and unrepentant 16-year-old boy! I wouldn’t feel safe either.

This

There's lots of black and white thinking on here.

I think I'd feel scared of this boy too. He is behaving disruptively and antisocially. He is clearly very dysregulated and that makes him unpredictable, especially coupled with booze and/or substances.

He is however also very vulnerable and he has been catastrophically let down. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to suddenly be able to behave calmly. He (currently) has no future and his mum has rejected him, and he will be aware of both of these things. Given he's had zero education in the last 5 years, and that his mum clearly has her own emotional problems, I think this boy is exactly how any of us should expect him to be. I'd imagine for him seeing his dad's happy family life is quite painful.

If I was OP I'd suggest partner takes emergency leave to spend time with his son for a few days. Very ideally going somewhere with him where they can be active, boys share things and talk when they are walking/doing things. Alternatively I'd take my DC to visit grandparents or even stay in a premier inn for a few days to give them space.

He is both a big young man and is also a boy who needs to know his place in the world.

Poor boy and thank goodness your partner isn't giving up on him unlike you and his mum.

You say he didn't make much sense but he did say he hated his life. That's all you need to hear. The poor soul needs proper help, patience and loads of love. I'm glad his dad is there.