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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you split the bills?

181 replies

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 16:43

Household is me, DP, his three children aged 8-13 who are here weekends and holidays, and our shared DS aged 2, who is in nursery 4 days a week.

I work 4 days a week, he works 5. I earn 50k, he earns 40k. I generally buy anything DS needs. Our bills are about 4.2k a month. Mortgaged house in need of repairs.

AIBU: split bills according to percentage of household income earned
AINBU: split bills 50/50

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 01/02/2026 17:34

Neither

you are earning less because you work less. I’m going to presume this was by mutual agreement to care for your shared child. You should not take the financial hit for that all on your own. He should start by compensating you for part of your lost earnings.

then you have a bigger house for the additional children. He should pay for that.

then the bills for his children should be split out.

then the remaining costs should be split proportional to income. You should use the point right after you adjust for your lost earnings. For this to be fair, you need to be willing to live within the lower earners means.

or you could just decide you are partners in this, pool everything, and give yourselves equal fun money. Experience the highs and lows of life together.

if you want to keep it split though, you really should try to split it accurately.

Wantacampervan · 01/02/2026 17:32

Cigarettes are burning money.

Wantacampervan · 01/02/2026 17:32

Cigarettes are burning money.

SkelatorIamNot · 01/02/2026 17:32

I would usually say percentage of earnings but considering he has 3.5 kids to your 0.5 I think 50:50 is more fair in this situation.

Jellybunny56 · 01/02/2026 17:26

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:23

The deal was never that I should be more financially responsible for them than he is

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Honestly for the % difference here I don’t think it’s worth the stress. Begrudging the bedrooms of the home you chose to buy, with the man you chose to be with, knowing he had children who would need a bedroom, is madness.

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 01/02/2026 17:24

I'd split everything 50/50. He earns less but he's got more kids to pay for. 50/50 seems fair.

I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who split costs down to the penny.

Original poster

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:23

Jellybunny56 · 01/02/2026 17:22

He had those kids when you met though surely? So you knew they were part of the deal?

Show quote history

The deal was never that I should be more financially responsible for them than he is

OP posts:

Jellybunny56 · 01/02/2026 17:22

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 16:58

But the reason we need a four bedroom house is because of his kids

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He had those kids when you met though surely? So you knew they were part of the deal?

notatinydancer · 01/02/2026 17:20

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:01

Obviously I’m not going to say that because it’s not fair on the kids

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No but you could spell it out.

mindutopia · 01/02/2026 17:19

You pay into your joint account for all household expenses, including your ds (not your responsibility alone!) according to your incomes. You pay slightly more than him because you earn slightly more.

On the weekends and holidays when his dc come to stay, he does the food shop and pays out of his personal account for that. Any extra food you and your ds eat on those days offsets their use of wifi, electric, water, etc. He pays for days out for them or any activities. You pay for yourself and your ds from the joint account.

Costs related to the house are paid by you or from your joint account depending on who owns the house.

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2026 17:19

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:09

What’s changed is we had DS, I got massively in debt over maternity leave because he was paying me c.1k a month and I realised he was massively taking the piss

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This always riles me. I take it that the pregnancy was accidental and you didn't actually agree to getting into debt while carrying his baby? He's a piss taker. The teens are about to get even more expensive and you need to stop subsiding him. He pays 50/50 and he's getting a good deal at that. Everything that isn't for your personal use should be equal. Unless you want something like weekly fresh flowers, or like seasonal ornaments and he isn't bothered. He shuts up or ships out.

FamBae · 01/02/2026 17:19

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:01

Neither of us ever have much left over. His goes on maintenance, fuel and cigarettes. Mine goes on family days out, stuff for the house, extra food

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I'm not sure what he hopes to achieve, is he going to pick up the extra food bills, pay for family days out etc. or are you going to magically carry on paying for these as well as contributing more, while he gets a few quid in his pocket to spend on what he likes. It sounds like your already subbing his cm payments, by picking up these extra costs.

Original poster

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:18

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/02/2026 17:15

If you've told him you're sick of arguing about it, and he isn't listening, could you just refuse to talk about it? Walk out of the room if possible when he raises it, or just say nothing?

It sounds like he's grinding you down which is pretty unpleasant. Refuse to play along if you can.

All the bills come from my account so I have to ask him to pay it every month

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 01/02/2026 17:18

Joint account. Each keep (equal) personal spending money in personal account, rest goes into joint account and all expenses paid from there. You’re a family now.

Original poster

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:17

Coconutter24 · 01/02/2026 17:15

I’d rather that doesn’t come to that as I want to live with my child full time.

Surely you’d rather it didn’t come to that because you love him and want to be with him? Your answer sounds like you’re only there for your child

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Normally yes but right now I’m furious with him

OP posts:

jbm16 · 01/02/2026 17:17

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 01/02/2026 17:02

Only the lower earner would say that.

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Depends if you consider yourself a family or not...

My DH had well paying job so I gave up career to bring up our children. I didn't contribute financially during that period, however I massively contributed to our home life and enable him the chance to focus on his career.

OhamIreally · 01/02/2026 17:17

Then you need to tell him that you’re already subsidising him and are not prepared to do it further.

Reading feminist literature which touches on the male exploitation of unpaid female labour has made me realise that males consider ALL the productive value of a woman’s labour should accrue to him, not just the unpaid part.

Coconutter24 · 01/02/2026 17:15

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:11

Fine, I would have to go back to full time work but could easily afford life for me and DS. DP would financially struggle.

I’d rather that doesn’t come to that as I want to live with my child full time. But I’m absolutely sick of these arguments

Show quote history

I’d rather that doesn’t come to that as I want to live with my child full time.

Surely you’d rather it didn’t come to that because you love him and want to be with him? Your answer sounds like you’re only there for your child

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/02/2026 17:15

If you've told him you're sick of arguing about it, and he isn't listening, could you just refuse to talk about it? Walk out of the room if possible when he raises it, or just say nothing?

It sounds like he's grinding you down which is pretty unpleasant. Refuse to play along if you can.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2026 17:12

Chasingsquirrels · 01/02/2026 16:47

Per income.

But I would consider a joint child's costs to be part of the bills.

Me too, he doesn't get to pay for some of his children only.

Original poster

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:11

TFImBackIn · 01/02/2026 17:07

I think he is using you, OP. I'm really sorry but he seems to think you should be paying more than him to house and feed his own children.

What would life without him look like?

Fine, I would have to go back to full time work but could easily afford life for me and DS. DP would financially struggle.

I’d rather that doesn’t come to that as I want to live with my child full time. But I’m absolutely sick of these arguments

OP posts:

FateAmenableToChange · 01/02/2026 17:11

If you’re not married you should be paying 50:50 on all costs including your shared child. And any extra costs due to his fecundity are his alone. He’s a CF in my opinion.

Iloveacurry · 01/02/2026 17:10

You shouldn’t be subbing him for his older kids. I’d say pay 50/50.

Original poster

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 17:09

Silverbirchleaf · 01/02/2026 17:01

I guess you were happier enough to buy the larger house when choosing the house, so what’s changed? What did you discuss before moving in regarding finances?

What’s changed is we had DS, I got massively in debt over maternity leave because he was paying me c.1k a month and I realised he was massively taking the piss

OP posts:

TFImBackIn · 01/02/2026 17:07

I think he is using you, OP. I'm really sorry but he seems to think you should be paying more than him to house and feed his own children.

What would life without him look like?

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