How would you split the bills?

Sorry I think this goes deeper than percentages. I also think that as adults you should be able to agree a solution you’re both happy with.

I get your point that you had to get a bigger house because of his kids, but then on his side you presumably agreed to this. If you didn’t want a 2k a month mortgage then you could have discussed a different solution- maybe his kids shared, or your joint son comes in with you at weekends or you have a sofa bed in the study which someone uses at the weekend? Equally you do get the “benefit” of a nice spacious house.

Once you’ve calmed down I would really break the costs down and show him what the mortgage would be like on a smaller place. Give him the option that you downsize, or move to a different area (you have to mean it).

But say that if he wants you all to stay in the same house, the whinging and whining stops, expenses are split 50/50 and if he wants more spending money he can cut down in other areas.

so when you got together and living in the work flat - did the 3 older kids stay with him and I assume he paid for all stuff for them

He has 5 children to house, one of which is also yours

I really don't like this. He stood by and let you blow through your savings on maternity leave and has now got the arseache because he thinks things are unfair

You need to tell him what you will pay to cover you and half of your mutual DC. Which will not be half of a huge mortgage and the bills. That's it. You need to build up your own savings.

If you were in his position he wouldn't subsidise you. As a poster up thread said he's a grifter.

Does one of you have 4 kids and one of you has only one kid? If not, I'm not sure how your finances are relevant to the OP.

I suspect many of those stating you are unreasonable did not have the information that you went into debt during maternity leave after exhausting your savings due to paying such a high proportion of joint costs when they voted.

what do the figures look like if all expenses for your joint DC, extra food and family days out come out of joint not your spare funds? I bet he would need to pay more and you are likely to have a bit more left for yourself.

Exactly.
How many red flags about being used financially do some poor women need.

He's used her from day one.
His money goes on fags as a priority.

This is how me and DH do it, for context i earn about 3 times what he does but i would never have my husand worse off than me.

And for clarity ill use basic figues.

One joint account for bills and we each have our own accounts

My wage and his wage = £5000

ALL bills are = £3000

That leaves = £2000

Which is split and given to each of us at £1000

Anything bought for the kids is split 50/50

So each spouse is no worse or better off, we are just the same.

So your spare money was previously going on your step kids 🤦🏽‍♀️ he also had free accommodation and was happy for you to pay the bills basically meaning he was living for free.

Your spare money goes on the house and kids. His on his self

it’s easily done. I was the same as you - paying for everything - I could afford to etc and then had dd. And I still paid for everything for her

only diff he didn’t have 3 young kids to pay for - which you are

if that was me I would be pissed off so get why you are @Tashaa

if he isn’t willing to talk about it an contribute fairly then there really isn’t much other option

YANBU to want 50:50.

Neither of us ever have much left over. His goes on maintenance, fuel and cigarettes. Mine goes on family days out, stuff for the house, extra food

This jumped out from your posts. Your spare money goes towards things for all the family but he puts cigarettes before this?

You are subsidising his maintenance and living costs and the money you're spending on extra food and days out for his children is on top of this. Sounds like he's choosing not to see this.

Hold your boundaries Next time he moans about money tell him he can get an immediate saving by quitting cigarettes.

I think 5050 is fair. You earn more but he has more kids.

really I think he should be paying a higher percentage than you !

I can't imagine paying entirely for my own maternity leave. It's his child too, yet only you have born the financial brunt.

It sounds like you started off on the wrong foot to be fair, I understand why you thought it was fair as he was 'paying' for the accommodation, so you paid all the bills, but in reality he wasn't paying anything, or paying anything extra to have you live there, so the bills should have been split 50/50 from the get go.

So in that chapter of your lives you were paying 100% of all bills.

So when you moved you still continued to pay all bills? What about mortgage, was that 50/50 at that point?

What was the arrangement when you went on maternity?

He should pay a bit more but also must pay for his own kids that aren't yours. Well him plus his ex.

Yes - he would have to house his 3 children from his previous relationship whether he was with you or not and any other split means you're subsidising his 3 children.

He’s happy to be a financial drain on you, unfortunately.

His older children are not a joint expense. Lower earner or not, his financial responsibility for them is not something he can expect you to share.

Sorry OP, that he allowed you to pay all the bills in his free housing was the clue that you ignored.
The maternity leave was more of the same.
You are a mug sadly, and he is pushing back as you are finally waking up to how foolish you have been.
You have been used.
You are paying for your shared child and his children.

You can continue on and waste your money on him or wake up and sell the house, buy somewhere for yourself and be sensible.

Or spend the next 20 years funding his children and housing to come out with only 50% of a property at the end of it.

Absolute madness.
You have wasted enough money as it is.

But all OPs “spare money” goes on the family and his “spare money” goes on himself. So in actual fact, OP has no spare money for herself despite earning more and only having one child, not 4!

I think you need to explore this a bit more when talking about 'fairness', how did this come about?

This is what has started you off on the trajectory of feeling pissed off, and it shouldn't go ignored IMO. If you had to blast through your savings THEN go into debt to have your joint child then he can get to fuck basically, he can't have it both ways.

You are being used.
You are paying for his children.
He's using scum that took the piss during your maternity leave.
Surely that tells you everything.

Why are you with someone who financially abused you during maternity leave?

Wake up.
You are wasting money funding him.
Give some serious thought to how better off you would be if you weren't funding this user loser.

You are not married thankfully.
Time to get real and put yourself and your child first.
Wake up OP.

I doubt if you split he will want to see your child much.