To be so antisocial

This is very inspiring, both for introverts and those who are not. It is the Ted Talk on introverts by Susan Cain. If you have time, have a look.

I'm audhd and hardly ever have any contact with others now. They can't handle it if I unmask and if I mask I don't want to talk as it just centres around smalltalk which I don't have the energy for now.

It works both ways though doesn't it?

I've seen so many posts on here by people who claim the same about "extroverts" (and I use both classifications guardedly as I think most of the time they are used incorrectly).

I've seen people describe extroverts as "needy", "narcissists", "show-offs", and "empty vessels make the most noise". Screeds of real bile about people because, basically, they enjoy being social or are good at it.

As I said earlier, I think to some extent a bit of a reset was needed. The world of work does tend to value extroverts more than introverts, so I understand the desire to emphasise the value in quiet, private, reserved lives.

But in recent years it seems to have become carte blanche for people who are socially anxious to lash out at people who aren't.

I'm just fighting back agains the general assumption by many people that introverts must have something wrong with them that needs fixing.

Socialising can be in the day and with just one other. Doesn’t need to be about parties and staying out late.

I think it’s the social interactions that are beneficial to people’s health. So a quick chat. Or going to a hobby group. Anything really - it’s about forcing yourself to get out and interact with others. Even just for a short time.

The pressure to conform to society's norms about socialisation would make you get in the bunker quick and stay there.

You know the drill, "oh come on out, you'll love it, there will be lots of people you know and we'll have a laugh. Come on, don't be a fuddy duddy, you're making yourself old, life is short, it won't be a late night, we're just going for eats, then cocktails later" yada yada.

No thanks. I'll go anywhere for a late into afternoon lunch/meet up, but no I'm not going out at night anymore unless it's to a family celebration. They are usually great fun, but I know everyone and they know me. I don't have to make small talk or be friendly and engaged for hours with relative strangers or people I don't know so well. That's exhausting TBH, yep an introvert, but we are needed for balance in the world!

There are many thousands like me. But honestly, I'm not worried what people think anymore. They usually forget who was there anyway

It isn't a 'getting older' thing - at 71 I enjoy the company of my friends and family - sadly widowed now and my friends have helped me a huge amount.

I am not a naturally sociable person. Now that I'm not guilt-tripped into doing things (I was a serious people pleaser for a large chunk of my life), I no longer feel obliged to pretend to enjoy it... because I've always preferred my own company, and I'm OK with that.

When a family member announced the Covid ban on socialising in groups and outside of your family home, my first thought was, "Excellent! I get even more of an excuse to avoid people!"

It is much more peaceful and, in any case, my job takes so many hours out of my life that I struggle to have much of a battery left after it all.

I do think it’s important that people understand that social isolation isn’t particularly healthy.

You may hate socialising in big groups and noisy parties. But a coffee and a walk with a friend? Even an introvert can’t really argue against that. And it is so good for you.

I think COVID and wfh triggered a reaction in a lot of people. Up to a point it was a reasonable reset: life in the 90s and 00s was very hectic, society puts a lot of pressure on people to socialise which can leave them feeling burnt out and drained and it’s difficult for unsociable people to fit into this.

But I think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction now. People seem to positively relish isolation and misanthropy and see other people as the enemy and social interaction as some sort of trauma to be avoided at all costs.

I think its very dangerous. People shouldn’t feel pressganged into socialising for its own sake but some level of social interaction is really important for mental health, for social cohesion and for understanding. I think it’s entirely reasonable to be much more selective about how you spend your free time as you get older but this histrionic people phobia is pretty toxic.

Its not losing the ability to. Im losing the will to socialise. I dont need it.

Why is it acceptable nowadays for people to be gratuitously rude about “extroverts”? (Usually not actually extroverts just people who can handle themselves socially).

If someone started a thread on here saying: “I find introverts tedious, self centred and rude,” they would rightly get torn a new one?

Why are people so triggered or threatened by people who enjoy the company of others? I see this all the time on here and its so judgmental and nasty.

I do agree. I think Covid did give some people a bit of a reason to be more insular. Then the whole WFH thing which is awful for people in their 20s.
Add in screens and phone addiction…

Are we losing the ability to socialise? Losing social skills. I think even for introverts it can’t be healthy to be alone all the time apart from your partner.

I think it’s an interesting discussion.

It’s normal to want to socialise less in middle age than in your 20s or 30s. Middle aged people have less time and energy.

But I will be honest and say it’s not healthy at all to have no interest in a social life outside your family, no. It’s fashionable at the moment to talk about how awful it is being around other people and wanting to retreat into the family, I see this all the time on here and it really concerns me.

Its so important not to lose contact with people outside your immediate family. Not only because just under half of all marriages fail and you could end up really isolated but because its so important to have a sense of perspective and community. People who don’t socialise at all outside the family seem to lose their social muscle and it gets harder and harder to get it back.

I feel quite worried about the fact that so many people seem to embrace this isolation. Its a very modern phenomenon and one that we should be concerned about. There’s so much data that shows how damaging it is for mental health to retreat into a family bubble.

Not everyone has to be a roaring extrovert and its fine to be selective about how you spend your time but please keep your hand in, cultivate a few friendships which meet your needs and nurture them. Even if you don’t always feel like it. Its so damaging to be reliant on just one person for everything.

Im 64, retired at the end of March last year and haven't joined any clubs etc since. I don't have any friends here. I chat on WhatsApp with old friends but no longer meet up. Im married and have a little dog. I chat to people I meet when I'm out walking or shopping but I'm more than happy on my own during the day.
After a lifetime in childcare, the peace of a quiet house and garden is blissful.
I don't miss the company of others
I think people changed during covid

There's definitely a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

I have a friend who can never be alone. She has to see people every day. I guess being isolated and alone would impact her more than an introvert. Maybe the research was done on extraverts.

My parents are very sociable though and I do believe it offsets some of their less healthy habits. I think it also has an impact on your brain. I guess the speaking/thinking as you socialise.

I get it can be exhausting though.

Yes I’m just wondering about the research. You would assume if people are happy to be alone and not socialise then this wouldn’t impact their heath. I don’t know though.

I do get it. I am a pure mixture. I like socialising and seeing people for a bit but also happy with my own company.

I guess if you’re happy alone then you’re not lonely.

@Delatron This isn't about loneliness or being isolated when you don't want to be.

It is just as normal to be an introvert or to not particularly enjoy socialising as it is to be an extrovert who likes and needs to be around people all the time.

Us introverts don't particularly enjoy socialising because we find extroverts insufferable exhausting to be around.

I live on my own have done for years and love it.
Im really not nore have i ever been a people person.

You do you. Whatever makes you content as long as you are not too reliant on your husband for company.

What is unhealthy is angst about whether it is right or not. Everybody is different and the need for human interaction varies massively.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/loneliness-has-same-risk-as-smoking-for-heart-disease

Obviously everyone needs to do
what they feel is right for them. But I do think it’s important to protect some
friendships as we get older.

Even finding a hobby group or just something that gets you interacting regularly with other people.

I think you should do what’s right for you. I’m 52 and only in the last few years have I overcome the need to people please. I’ve attended for years and years waaaaaayyyyyy too many events, lunches, coffees, Christmas do’s, work social lunches etc that I didn’t want to and didn’t enjoy.

I've now taking early retirement and don’t miss that part of my life at all. Even if the last few years of working, I really really practised the art of saying no. I really actively practised the sayings, I can’t do that, have a great time. The more I used them, the more confident I became in them tbh.

Forward to today, some people might say that I don’t have any friends or my life has gone downhill since I retired. Nothing could be further from the truth. I live the time I have with my husband, I feel closer to my husband than I’ve ever done in 32 years of marriage. I love spending our money on coffees together, walking together, pub lunches together. I love that we’re building a retired life together, we Lee having no spend days where we concentrate on our individual hobbies…I love that we are saving and using our money for travelling…I love that my time is taken up with my granddaughter.

we’re all different, and particularly on this app, we’re all at different stages of life. Some much younger women here won’t relate to anything I’ve written. They’ll love the big friendship groups, the mums from schools, the old university friends. But I’ve done all that too. I can’t begin to write how many friendship groups and bases I’ve been through whether it be colleagues, school friends (mine and my children’s), the mums at karate, football what ever….and at the end of the day, yes I don’t regret all that but equally years and years later it really doesn’t matter, all friendships move on, evolve, stop, start etc. It’s only when you get to my (our) age that you realise that you must do what’s right for you and what makes you happy 🫶

I have autism and feel this way about most social situations. I will grin and bear it occasionally as I know it makes other people happy and is important to keep my (few) friendships alive, but generally I find other people exhausting and socialising for more than a couple of hours at a time gives me a migraine from overwhelm and overload - I've even been known to throw up from feeling so "peopled out" in the past.

I've always been rather unsociable too, I think whats changed is my willingness to fake it, rather than me actually getting more unsociable iyswim.