AIBU or is this understandable?

Just out of interest, what was her main reason for visiting your city? Was it to see you? To have a holiday? Or a bit of both? And did she say where her husband was?

What do you want from this thread, OP? To be told it’s ok to let the friendship fizzle out? It sounds like it already has. To be told to stop sending gifts? That’s fine - does she even want you to send her kids gifts?

You seem like you’re kind of irrelevant to her nowadays so I’m not sure why all the handwringing. You are hardly the best friend ever to her either (after not even really seeing each other for two years). It just doesn’t seem like that big a deal (or even like she’d notice or care) if the friendship drifts. From her perspective it probably already has.

I get why you are disappointed and yes it seems a bit one way. However I don’t suppose it was great for your friend either. If you don’t see the children regularly maybe stop with the gifts if it makes you resentful and just send cards maybe?

I’m curious what the messaging between the pair of
you since all this?

I'll sign off with this last post as not wanting to offend or upset. I think we just have different opinions on the situation and that's ok.

I have no children myself but one of my close friends was a teen mum when we were 17 and needed support. I'd go round and play with him, do bathtime etc just to give her a break.
Other friends had children in thier 20s/30s and neither needed or wanted that level of involvement. But I'd like to think they know I'd be happy to help if required.

Try not to take it all personal as I think your friend is struggling. But it is ok for you to say that the current state of the friendship doesn't suit you. You are entitled to withdraw and put your time and energy into friends who can reciprocate. I genuinely wish you well.

When my second child was a similar age I lost touch with a lot of friends. Toddler was a horrendous sleeper and exceptionally clingy, baby wasn't much better. I would cut short nights out because my (now ex) oh couldn't cope with the kids but was also very controlling. I would gloss over it as missing him etc. DV got worse. People cut me off, no one checked i was ok. It was horrible and took me another couple of years to leave. Both kids turn out to be ND.

So if it was me I'd send a message checking she's ok. It doesn't sound loke things are normal in her marriage for a start.

I would be hurt too but I wouldn't be ending the friendship over it. Was she traveling with her partner or by herself? If she was alone sounds like she was just overwhelmed, and I'd cut her some slack this time, but be wary if this ends up being a pattern.

IMHO, you shouldn’t be upset with your friend or end the relationship with her without a good chat.

I can understand it seems odd not to see you, even for a coffee, when she’s in the same city. But being the lone adult in an hotel room with a 6 year old, toddler and 6 month old baby would be a real challenge for the most capable of parents. Especially if the kids are fractious (quite likely after travelling and being in an unfamiliar environment) and disturbing everyone’s sleep. Yes, she could’ve invited you into the chaos, but was maybe too ashamed or worried the kids would play up even more (e.g. get giddy) with a visitor there.

Do you know why her husband didn’t accompany her?

It sounds like your friend might be a little overambitious about what she can juggle with children. For example, suggesting she may be able to go away with you, leaving the children at home. Some parents do this. But lots wouldn’t want to leave a baby or v young children for a holiday or, if they did, would prioritise a holiday with their partner (if relatives can have the kids).

Lots of parents wouldn’t want to ask their DP to care for their young baby/toddler alone, simply so they could on a childfree holiday with a friend. If a father did this when he knew the mother would struggle alone, it’d be rather unfair. That’s why time with friends who don’t live nearby can suffer when you have young children, unless you stay with each other or go away together, which means the friend will see the chaos and mayhem. So has be v easygoing.

Do you know why she was meeting her sister in the city? Maybe it’s because one of them is having a difficult time, or there’s a family problem to sort out, and they’ve had to prioritise talking about that? You say you’ve wondered if she may be having problems in her relationship. Perhaps she’s left to get away from her DH and hoped to see both her sister and you for support. But talking to her sister about it has drained her so much, she’s exhausted by the time she’s seen to the kids. Or maybe the sister needs her support.

While she has three very young children, I suggest you’ll have to visit her to keep an in-person relationship going or book a holiday home somewhere together with the kids (much easier than an hotel room). But, if her DP is unsupportive or abusive in some way, and expects her to care the the kids all the time or doesn’t like her seeing a friend alone, maybe even seeing you in her hometown is difficult.

I’d ask when’s a good time to call her and ring for a chat. Say, you were so sad to miss her when she was so close. That you’d have liked to help look after the kids with her given she was alone. Ask if she’s OK? She’s only 6 months postpartum.

But how did you suggest the hotel? Did you suggest the hotel’s restaurant or bar?

My point was you said you wanted a catch up with your old friend. She’s told you she’s struggling to leave the hotel room with the toddler so a nice suggestion would be to take all the pressure off her and offer to bring the catch up to her.

I’m not suggesting bringing wine and coffee because she doesn’t know how to order her own food but as a treat for both of you.
^^
”Don’t worry [friend] about not being able to meet up out of the hotel. How about I bring drinks and nibbles to you. Everyone can stay in their PJs if necessary, no pressure and we can just have a nice catch up.
^^
What can I bring that the kids might like to eat?”

When a mother is telling you she’s too overwhelmed to make it out of the hotel room, she’s too overwhelmed to make a decision among options with a number of unknown variables.

What kind of messages has she been sending since them for you to think she’s giving this a lot of thought?

Well mine wouldn’t that’s for sure! What are you talking about - have you done a survey? 🙄

You replied to multiple posters who suggested perhaps offering to take one or two of the other children out instead to let your friend concentrate on the toddler that you weren’t interested in spending time with the children….. which is why I thought you had no interest in them. You also mentioned stopping buying gifts for them which again suggests your not really interested in them but I apologise if thats not the case.

And no offence but you also really haven’t come across as having much experience with young children otherwise you’d understand your friend has had a rubbish week spent stressed out and was probably too embarrassed to let you see she wasn’t coping. If your friend can’t leave the hotel room or leave the children with her sister for a couple of hours there’s more to it than just an unsettled toddler. The fact she reached out before the visit suggests she’s tried really hard to make the effort to see you but just couldn’t make it happen- please be kind to her.

I haven't read every single response to this, but I have read your comments and I think Ive got the gyst. I think your friend's children - especially the unsettled one - might very well of benefitted from leaving the hotel room. Stuck inside the same 4 walls for a whole week is enough to drive anyone crazy. I bet the kids were bored. I think it would have been great for her to visit you, have an extra pair of hands and take the pressure off. So the question is, why didn't she? Her priorities will have changed, children and husband will always come before friends. She may not be as invested in the friendship as you are. There could be any number of reasons why she couldn't/didn't make time to see you. I'd say you've every right to be hurt and a little bit pissed off that she couldn't spare an hour with you, especially as she was so close. An unsettled toddler - for an entire week -sounds like an excuse.

Personally, I would step back from this friendship. I think it will just fizzle out.

To be honest I do understand where she is coming from. When my kids were small one of my friends was forever suggesting meeting at times when my kids would’ve been hard work and it was very stressful for me, embarrassing and exhausting. She let you down but I doubt it was coming from a bad place.

I think your husband is right. You’re obviously just there to provide presents for the kids and she keeps you dangling with empty promises to make sure you continue.

ditch her.

And how have you responded?

And what have her messages said? Odd you’ve not mentioned this before!

Actually, most six year olds would.
They love a new grown up to chat to.

That definitely shows you haven't got children @Furning

I think the relationship has changed. Most likely as she has 3 children and life has taken her in a different direction. Maybe you don’t have as much in common now (from her point of view).

It sounds like if you didn’t reach out to her, she probably wouldn’t either.

I don’t believe she spent the week cooped up in the hotel - she probably just had a good time with her sister.

Sorry OP but your DH is right.